Last week's episode of Princesses: Long Island ended with Ashlee White poofing into thin air. I don't know about you guys but I've barely been able to sleep, eat, or care for my children. Worry consumes me! What if bad people kidnap Ashlee and force her to eat mixed cheese? What if she breaks a heel? What if Ashlee's parents hightail it outta Long Island before she's found? Who will care for little orphan Ashlee?
Thankfully, Chanel Omari is on the case, looking high and low for Ashlee. Mostly low. Winery employees can barely contain their smirks. I have a feeling they couldn't care less about Long Island's precious little snowflake. They're clearly bad people. Meanwhile, Chanel sobs, "All I can think about is, what's happening to her right now?" I know. I know! Cheeses, heels, orphans, it's all too much to process at once. Chanel adds, "I can't think about losing Ashlee forever." It's like she can read my mind!
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In all seriousness, I hope Ashlee gets deported to Mars (Why? I have no idea! Joe and Teresa Giudice have enough indictments to share, don't they?) and we never have to see her again. While Chanel frantically calls Ashlee's cell phone and contemplates involving the FBI, Erica Gimbel, Joey Lauren, and Amanda Bertoncini enjoy a beautiful afternoon on the water.
Erica, Joey, and Amanda drink, bitch about Ashlee, swim, bitch about Chanel, and drink. Erica calls Ashlee a disrespectful little girl. (She is.) Amanda thinks Chanel is "selfish and wrong" for "taking sides". (They're all wrong.) Out of the blue, Chanel texts Amanda, Ashlee is in the hospital.
Between Chanel's sobs, we find out that Ashlee is in a small hospital in a small town, but we do not find out why. The others, Amanda, Erica, and Joey, discuss the situation. Joey says, Ashlee thinks I'm doing this stuff to her, but it's all in her head. Well Amanda says it's not HER fault. Erica reasons, "God punishes people when they do bad things to people," adding, "She pissed me off today and hurt my feelings and maybe this is God punishing her."
Enough about Ashlee, the girls go on to talk about Erica's extraordinary power over men, and Joey says she'll only marry a man if he doesn't sleep with Erica when put to the test. Obviously, Erica says, that'll never happen.
Ashlee rewrites history – once again – to make herself out to be the victim. She disturbs me on so many levels. "Amanda, Joey, and Erica left me," she says. "I had a panic attack. I had nothing else to do than to hitchhike and go to the hospital. I am so happy nothing happened to me. I'm so lucky. These girls should be ashamed of themselves. I am so happy to be alive. This all could have been avoided."
Where to start? First of all, they did not leave Ashlee, she left them! Ashlee ran away from lunch to call her daddy because they were being "so mean" to her. Ashlee ran away from the winery, screaming how dare everyone!, when Amanda, Erica, and Joey had the audacity to walk within 300 feet of her precious space. Then Ashlee magically disappeared when Chanel turned her back for two minutes. Ashlee is insane.
Next, Casey Cohen invites Amanda out for lunch, but I'm not quite sure why. Other than the fact that she, too, is insane. Casey calls Amanda disgusting, adding, "I would have never left Ashlee alone like that." Casey is like, my girls were hysterical, and I demand to know why. Every rational word that Amanda speaks is a wasted breath. "Ashlee is the most level-headed person I have ever spoken to in my entire life," remarks Casey. "She's very normal. She's very very normal." Is there room in Ashlee's mental ward for her best buddy Casey?
Casey continues to lecture Amanda about how friends are supposed to treat other friends and loyalty… blah, blah, blah… Casey is mentally stuck at 15 years old. I honestly cannot even stand to listen to her nonsense. Amanda explains that she defends whomever she thinks is right in any given situation. Casey says that's wrong, adding, "I'd take Ashlee's side automatically." Casey is not as far above the high school bullshit she thinks she is… if anything… she keeps it going in full force.
Chanel visits Ashlee. Good God. She cries. She sniffles. She recounts her experience. So, Sniffleupagus went to the hospital for a PANIC ATTACK, and they had to give her a BENADRYL. Then, she most likely asked the doctor to arrange for a MEDIVAC to return her to her tacky, outdated home on Long Island, and when he refused, she told him that he's a BAD DOCTOR!
Chanel wants to organize an apology ceremony. (Chanel needs to apologize to Amanda for wrapping her drink in a napkin and not a Drink Hanky.) An apology ceremony? Count Ashlee out! "I will never apologize," she says. "I don't even want to see them. They don't care about me. They consciously chose to make me as helpless as anybody could ever be." Chanel clearly does not understand the magnitude of Ashlee's plight – she needed a Benadryl!
Fast forward to the apology ceremony. Chanel prays. Joey expects someone to end up in the pond. Casey shows up, hissing, "I know what these girls did to Ashlee!" I officially nominate Casey to be thrown into the pond. Chanel starts the ceremony. She cries. Of course.
Amanda sobs because Jeff gave her the wrong ring. Erica reminds Casey that she screwed her boyfriend in high school, just in case she forgot, and then she admits to drowning her own sorrows in alcohol. Joey tells the others to never take living at home for granted.
Ashlee reveals that she had a stroke a year ago. On one hand, it sounds like she went through a bad time, but on the other hand, it's not a free pass to act like a mean little girl. Don't even get me started on her victim complex. Ashlee chastises Amanda, Erica, and Joey for leaving her when she needed a Benadryl. Casey is like, I wasn't even there and I was almost there, that's how not there you all were. My. Head. Hurts.
So, Casey and Ashlee alternate taking digs at Amanda, Erica, and Joey, and Amanda is the first person to make ANY sense at this IDIOTIC apology ceremony, pointing out that Ashlee is a grown woman who put herself in a dangerous situation. She says, "You went off … it was 15 minutes … it's not like you were going to be on a milk carton," to which Ashlee says, "I am so proud that I'm not on a milk carton … people blink and their kids are not there."
Taking part in Tashlich, a Rosh Hashanah tradition of tossing bread into water to cast away sins, Erica apologizes for past
drunken lays transgressions, Amanda apologizes for the Drink Hanky treating people maliciously, Joey apologizes for not better hiding Ashlee in the vineyard falling off the right path, Casey apologizes for giving me a headache being uptight, and Chanel apologizes for enabling Ashlee's ridiculous behavior hurting people.
And Ashlee thanks God for her wonderful life. True story.
My final words on this show: I think Bravo owes America an apology ceremony for the mess that was Princesses: Long Island.
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Also last night, Jeff took Amanda to the Long Island Railroad, to give her a promise ring. Jeff's voice. Amanda's excuses. Their tongues. I can't. Watch the video:
Photo credit: Bravo