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Oh the tears of a Real Housewife. As legit as beachfront property in Arizona. Last night on the second installment of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion it was Gretchen Rossi's turn to crumple face without tears. 

I dunno what you call that sort of cry where no liquid emanates? I mean is it all the botox? At the very least I would expect wine to come out 'cause all they consume is wine. Well, that and bulls#*!. 

So much happened last night – where to begin… 

Well, let's all get this out of the way: Alexis Bellino talked about JIM BLOB's man part. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of television ever! She tripped and stumbled over a forced non sequitur about how he wears a size 14 shoe if you know what she's saying… EW! So that's how things started and if you can believe it they went downhill from there! 

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE! 

Tamra Barney recounts her moving 'Please don't think I'm a bitch anymore so Bravo will give me a spinoff' speech at the Women's Expo. Tamra reveals Eddie never knew about her past suicide attempt but is sooo supportive. Vicki Gunvalson practically grabs Tamra in a choke hug to tell her they're besties forever, reminding her of the Cartier handcuffs she gave her. Diamonds speak louder than rhinestones, so Gretchy you're out! Tamra cried like one, maybe two, actual tear droplets. Dang… 

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Moving on to the juicy goods, Gretchen is on the hot seat for perpetually, possibly, maybe lying all the time. And you know, always changing her stories. Case in point: what became of the Rolls Royce Slave bought, errrr… no leased for her birthday. Well, Gretchen now claims she gave it back and never accepted it to begin with. Oh! Is that because it was a promotion and never hers to begin with? 

So apppppaaarently Tamra was lying when she had her big Lydia McLaughlin "friendship whisperer" peace treaty with Alexis. Apppaaaarently, well according to Gretchen's magic folder of truth, after Tamra invited Alexis dress shopping and Gretchen questioned that decision, Tamra emailed her to say that she still hated Alexis, despite the heart-to-heart, and Gretchen should remind her of that when the making up scene aired. "FML". She also said she didn't want Alexis at dress shopping but the producers made her invite ol' Lex.  Somebody's lyyyyying! #AdrienneMaloofVoice

Tamra admits to lying about Alexis by claiming Gretchen is soooo difficult to deal with that she is forced to omit the truth to avoid the emotional wrath of the Gretchenator, Wannabe Barbie on a rampage! Aaaahhh… Tamra calling Gretchen out on lying is like botox complaining that facelifts make wrinkles too tight.

Tamra accuses Slade of "doctoring" the emails she allegedly sent Gretchen. Poor Lex, pawn of the ages, pipes up to whine "Nobody likes me so why am I here?!" Good question. 

Alexis decides she'd rather be on the side of the Menopausal Mean Girls (thanks @WhatleyDebbie on twitter) than be out in the cold looking cute so she swoops in with the straightening iron to defrizz this mess. Alexis says Tamra warned her about what she said that to Gretchen, but only because Gretchen is so clingy and demanding and SWF like that Tori Spelling Made for TV movie, A Friend To Die For so she was forced to lie to save her Herve Leger collection from danger! 

Gretchen then claims Heather Dubrow and Tamra talk "so much shit" about Alexis but at least Gretchen is no fair weather friend, she's straight up about her hate. Lemme sum this up: Tamra is playing both these girls and they're both so dumb they're falling for it. They basically reversed roles –  Gretchen is this season's "Alexis" (yay she gets to cry the bullying card next season. Whooopeee!) and it's her turn to be served up a dramavention, piping hot and laced with Nair. 

You know, I'm disappointed in Gretchen's folder of truth. It was so… manila. Clearly her top secret exposés should be in a Lisa Frank Unicorn Rainbow folder with SPARKLES! Also, when are one of these Housewives gonna start marketing reunion props as the next venture on the Bravo Home Shopping Network? Fans, Folders, Weaves In Purses… oh my! 

Lydia – don't quit your day job of instructing the maid how to work the washing machine, toots! So, I guess next season it's back to Gretchen and Tamra hating each other. Bravo needs to retire one of these bitches. According to my Magic Hate Ball all signs point to FIRED for one of them! #gretchen I guess I shouldn't count my wrinkles until my facelift heals… 

And just for the record: just cause you admit to lying, DOESN'T MAKE IT OK! 

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And then we have to discuss Malibu Country. Of course… That show is dead – and so is this storyline but that doesn't stop Heather from trying. It goes on and on and back and forth. First we discussed the difference between Heather's illustrious like for realz hired role cause she's an AaaacTRESS and Gretchen's offer to maybe do a walk-on. Apparently Gretchen's part was so not legit she didn't even get a payment offer from the producers. You know as someone pointed out on twitter, Heather's big glamorous job was all of 1 minute, 30 seconds on film. HA! 

Heather is incensed that Gretchen was using the "role" as leverage to hurt Tamra and rain on her wedding dress parade. Is that why Gretchen wore the trench coat with nothing on underneath?

There is much debate about the date of the role conflicting with Tamra's dress shopping and when the dates were decided/discussed/turned down for the role. Gretchen apparently sulked and cried in the corner during the shopping and screamed "Get me the f*@k out of here!", but since (according to Gretchen) it wasn't on camera nothing could be proved. No one had their iPhone handy for that little meltdown moment?! C'mon girls… 

Gretchen is armed with a voicemail from her agent stating that they want her for some part. Alexis pipes up that she got the same offer. I'm starting to think A) Alexis & Gretchen have the same agents or B) No one can tell them apart and offer them the same jobs over and over. First Fox5, then Malibu Country. And who. cares. I'm done. This storyline is totally dead. It was dead on arrival. The funeral has been had, the casket has been buried, and Phaedra Parks has already been paid. 

Also dead: Gretchen's friendship with Tamra. And her friendship with Alexis. Oddly, Alexis still seems sad about that. Poor Lex, she should sell some of those genuine tears to her castmates. Only $19.99, includes an Alexis Couture Travel Clutch! "I was disposable," Alexis quips. "Sort of like you need Lydia now, you needed me then." Yep! Gretchen snaps that their friendship is over because Alexis is "fake on camera". HA! Seriously – that's hilarious! They're all fake on camera! 

Since Gretchen is pretty much being burned alive this reunion, Tamra then calls her an attention seeker who tried to upstage her proposal last season by texting Tamra for "four hours" claiming that was supposed to be her storyline, followed by planing a Page Six story claiming Bravo paid Eddie to pop the question. 

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Vicki claims Gretchen only proposed for a storyline anyway because Gretchen has always been so wishy-washy about Slave and doesn't really want to marry him so much as she wants a spinoff/plot on RHOC. 

Tamra puts Gretchen on the spot by asking her when the wedding date is. Gretchen stumbles, claiming she's just enjoying being engaged right now. Oh Tamra is goooo-oooo-oood! This coming from a woman who snagged Gretch's storyline with a proposal, dragged her feet on setting a date for a storyline this season and parlayed it all into a spinoff for the wedding. Gretchen, you're an amateur baby. You've got a knockoff wedding storyline in the works and it's nothing compared to Tamra's professional manipulating. Even Alexis says Gretchen admitted she was afraid of Tamra – and who wouldn't be. She's ruthless! 

Heather claims watching Gretchen's proposal made her feel "hollow" because there was really no genuine moments there. Ouch! Heather is a biatchatwat. Yikes – that hurts like attending a RHOC party sans wine! 

Heather rants about how Gretchen's "nearest and dearest" weren't present, for instance herself and Tamra (!), and that made the proposal sad and empty. Um… Heather, really?! You would count Gretchen as one of your closest friends? Dang, the producers have you really wrapped around their finger. Did they promise you another guest spot a soon to be canceled spinoff. Are they calling you 'The next NeNe Leakes'! The show's over babe, say goodbye.

Poor Gretchen claims it was just the opposite, in fact she had her real-real friends and her family there so it was actually a really sweet day. Then she starts crying. I mean "crying," I use that word loosely. She starts yodeling about how none of her co-stars are supportive of her relationship and everyone makes fun of her and it was such a special and amazind and important day and she spent months assembling her costume and trying on hair bows. And it's JUST. NOT. FAIR!

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Now I know why Gretchen didn't get the role on Malibu Country. Where are the tears Wannabe Barbie?! I don't think I saw any Bravo interns making gluegun tears in the background to drop onto Gretchen's artfully molded cheeks. They must be off today which is why the plastic fat ones couldn't roll down Gretchen's contoured and painted vinyl face. Pity! Somebody's getting FIRRRED! 

Vicki concedes that if Gretchen truly loves Slade "in sickness and in debt" they should get married. You know, I rag on Gretchen (and she totally deserves it) but if she loved her engagement and it was special to her, then good for her! And so be it I hope they're happy. I'd rather not see it play out on RHOC next season, but I've resigned myself to my fate and let's just get this over with!

Other than that Alexis is confronted about "bullying". Alexis basically backpedals claiming, "the word doesn't really matter" she was just trying to express on how she was feeling. "I'm sick of hearing about it. All of us are in a different place now, and I'm past it." 

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Clearly she is exhausted by the subject, despite Heather, Gretchen, and Tamra trying to argue with her about it again and profess their innocence. And good for Alexis. She was feeling bullied, those women are bitches, Gretchen did throw her under the bust and deserves the payback, and let's just leave it be. 

Did anyone notice Lydia did not speak the entire episode and just sat there blinking her My Little Pony eyes. Poor little Sparkle Hooves. 

Until next week when Vicki throws an adult temper tantrum, Brooks traumatizes us with his new hair transplant, and Briana arrives to defend Ryan! 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – CAN TAMRA AND GRETCHEN'S FRIENDSHIP SURVIVE? BIGGER LIAR: TAMRA OR GRETCHEN? IS ALEXIS FAKE ON CAMERA?

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