Well, another Real Housewives friendship bit the dust! Last night on Real Housewives of Miami two long-time friends fell apart over one massive lie and a whole buncha excuses.
Adriana de Moura and Lea Black are continuing their argument from last week. Attempting a Breakfast At Tiffany's drama queen moment Adriana goes to stand out in the rain while she desperately calls a taxi. Did she pawn her car to pay for Chanel? I mean the Bank of Lea is now officially closed…
Lea comes out to woo Adriana back inside where they continue bickering about how Ana attacked Lea at least season's reunion and how Lea decided to be friends with Joanna Krupa even though she's Adriana's mortal enemy. Adriana doesn't believe Lea should have any sort of relationship with "Ho-anna". And then Lea hits Adriana where it really hurts: "Why are you so jealous of Joanna?"
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Good lord Adriana is OBNOXIOUS! And fake. And just – ick. Can we kill this girl off the show and just leave her wardrobe behind. The fashion literally is the best part of RHOM!
Adriana claims that now that she's not new and shiny and super model-y enough Lea has traded her in for a flashier version. Apparently Lea also doesn't like that Adriana is poor which makes no sense since Lea was always helping her pay her bills. Me thinks that Adriana started getting all too big for her britches thinking she was a big star and no longer needed Lea. Then she acted like Lea was invisible while Ana was calling her a high-class prostitute
(aka Joanna) at the reunion, and THEN it came out that bitch had been married and using Lea for years.
Adriana keeps trying to turn the argument around into things Lea has done to her, like she's been calling her a grifter and a con artist all around turn, according to Marysol Patton. Hey baby truth hurts! Eventually Adriana's taxi arrives to pick her up and carry her off.
Later at home she totally rewrites the story to manipulate Frederic about what an abusive and cruel bitch Lea was. Frederic is incensed while Adriana sips her tea and strokes her cocker spaniel. She does it again when Marysol pays her a visit to drink champagne and update us on Mama Elsa's condition (she's improving and speaking, despite a scare).
Marysol is supportive of Adriana's decision to cut Lea from her life over a tepid little lie that never hurt anyone. Apparently Lea is out to destroy Adriana just as she attempted to destroy Marysol. Marysol reminds Adriana that Lea is a terrible, terrible untrustworthy friend. Meanwhile Lea says she is having trouble mourning the loss of a friendship to a woman it turns out she never knew. Who to believe, who to believe?
Moving on Joanna and Romain check out a tennis match where all the grunting and sweating and Maria Sharpova made Joanna realize she's not having sexytimes. Romain just wants to watch tennis in peace but Joanna wants to argue about how she's not getting any. Romain tells her she bores him in bed to which Joanna tells us that she has sex in elevators, private jets, and public bathrooms! She's not boring, just trashy! This storyline is so BS!
Also having trouble in sexytimes paradise is Lisa Hochstein. At home, Fembot is on the computer in her bathroom (huh?) when Lenny comes to bring her wine, not to ostensibly woo her but to distract her from wanting to woo him. Again, huh? Apparently despite hand-crafting Fembot into his perfect creation, Lenny would rather stick to the crafting and not to the sticking, if you know what I mean! They argue about how he never spends time with her cause he's reconstructing boobs into plastic cannonballs all day and Lisa is sitting around doing faux sexytimes photo shoots with the maiyd who never cleans.
Can we talk about Fembot for a second. FEMBOT HAS NO CELLULITE! None! NONE! I am so jealous. I am so, so jealous. I want no cellulite. Lisa, whatever happens in your life remember this: you are 30 and have no cellulite and can wear underpants on TV and no one is going to call you a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese.
Lisa is distraught that Lenny is too busy for sex because she wants to get pregnant. She's had a couple miscarriages and fertility treatments aren't working so Lenny thinks they should opt for surrogacy. Lisa is sad since she really wants to feel a baby growing inside her. Poor Lisa. Lenny then turns off their touch screen light switch (what was that thing!?) and rolls over to sleep, leaving Lisa to feel sad and alone.
These people confound me. She has no cellulite and permanently perfect hair (clearly she is a Fembot) and he has a light switch with 400 buttons on it that he can barely operate, especially when you are woken from a deep slumber. Is that safe? I say opt for The Clapper.
Lisa distracts herself by planning a subvert mission to reconnect all the warring factions of RHOM. Oh the producers duped this poor non-cellulite thing. She decides to invite Lea and Joanna to a girls night since Lenny will be in Vegas. Then she covertly invites Marysol, Alexia, and Adrianna.
First we cover Alexia Echevarria. She has Peter-problems. Peter just can't find his niche. He's a model/photographer/homeless abuser/pot head/musician who likes tattoos and his mom apparently, but none of that is paying and none of that is steering his life in the right direction.
Alexia and Herman built a music studio in their house so Peter can pretend work and Frankie can get music therapy with explicit rap lyrics, which he is writing with Peter. I guess that's fine for extracurriculars. It's nice to see Frankie thriving and his language is really improving.
Alexia reveals that Peter's birth father has quite the criminal history and she fears Peter considers himself a "bad seed" desperate to follow in his dad's footsteps, despite Herman's involvement in their lives.
Alexia's mom, a retired psychiatrist (who one tried to fix her up with the Prince of Spain!), is on the case to renovate Peter. She's also poised to take over Mama Elsa's spot as the resident kooky mom. Can she do it?! Can she live up to the sprawling challenges placed before her? Can she convince Alexia that too much neon is a bad thing and help Peter understand that he really, really cannot sing and does not need a Bravo single to perform in the WWHL clubhouse. Just say no to delusion.
Lea later meets with Alexia because they have some lingering hatred over Lea purportedly saying Peter deserved to go to jail. He does! It turns out innocent Princess Marysol may have been spreading rumors. To be honest, I wasn't listening. Sorry. Too many meetings about who said what to whom about what instance in this episode and they all ran together. Basically everyone hates Lea and they are poising her to look like the evil queen.
And finally, it's girls night! Lea and Joanna show up first and Lisa exuberantly demands they do shots. One drink in with Joanna still sticking to water, Adriana and Co. arrive. Lisa is all like isn't this fuuuun, I thought we could all bond. SURPRISE!
No one is thrilled. The two sides ignore each other and Lea skulks out but not before icily kissing Adriana and saying hello by shoving her giant sparkly clutch in her face. I wonder if it's scratchy? Outside Lea texts Joanna and Joanna makes Lisa come with. Lea starts crying about how her longtime friend ignore her and is accusing her of all kinds of crazy.
Lisa is conflicted about what to think and then Joanna whips out the marriage license. Which means wither Joanna knew Adriana would be coming or she planning to confront Lisa about the marriage thing that night. Whatever the case Lisa isn't so easily affronted cause Miss Innocent 2013 wants to think the best about her friends and doesn't want to assume they're liars.
Oh Adriana is so gonna hit Lenny up for some dough!
Joanna makes Lisa take the paper and then Lisa decides to go back inside where Adriana is having a blast with Alexia and Marysol.
Next week, Marriage License-gate continues.
TELL US – TEAM LEA OR TEAM ADRIANA?