Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don't know why they bothered taping one this season since it was pretty much a complete rehash of last season's! Of course things ended on a much better note, so there's that – and it seemed as if Teresa Giudice and Joe Gorga had finally taken the steps towards the slow, treacly path to rebuilding… But then we saw WWHL. So, anyway – Deja-Jersey!
Apparently all things Jersey must end with Posche. #Posche4Life. Kim D has some magic clutches on the producers of RHONJ – I mean how on earth has she roped them into filming her event three seasons running?! It starts with Penny Karagiorgis squaring off against Teresa. Did Teresa tell Penny all about the misdeeds of her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga? Penny says yes, Teresa says no. I say (as does Joe Giudice): "Who cares?!"
Penny reveals she has Teresa's phone number in her phone but there's no proof they've communicated as she doesn't save "texez" – or "Texas" if you're Teresa. Then Johnny, Penny's large, not in charge, husband appears to defend his wife and take Poison down to size (invisible?), or something. He's got texas and tweets galore and he's also got Poison breathing down his neck like a steroid-engineered gnome. Little man feisty. Little man get mad. Little man attack. Rawr!
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In the middle of Penny screaming at Teresa with Melissa shrieking nearby, Kim D sidles over. Kim. D… What she be wearing?
Let's interrupt to discuss something truly important: The Weaves Of Penny & Kim? Seriously – that is not hair. My Barbies had higher quality gold locks. Both ladies were sporting scraggly, day-glo yellow manky, frayed and frazzled plastic tracks. Kim had big crimpy waves and Penny had just acres of margarine colored polyester mess. Kim Zolciak needs to do an intervention stat! A good weave, like a good storyline, is hard to find.
Caroline Manzo finally does something for the first time all season by screaming at Kim D because she's destroying a fambly. And famblies are thick as thieves (unless you've had a lapband!).
'Specially one where the husband is having an affair. Can't wait til that lil tidbit comes out on her spinoff! Caroline freaks out at Kim, Crissofart grabs her face and demands she get it together, then they all escort Mean Red, their psycho-mommy outside to leave. "Oh stop it," snaps Kim D. That Kim D – destroying families all with a little whip of her wonky weave! #Posche4LifeBitches.
So I don't know what was said next cause I was distracted by National Geographic: Hair Rituals Of Suburban Famewhores. I assume there was a fight – we didn't see any of it cause of legal issues, but we got some jerky camera angles, heard Poison sqwaking about his wife (dang that man must not work cause he spends his entire life defending Melissa about her cheating and stripping past. Smoke, meet fire… ) and then we got a great still shot of some wrinkled clothes on the floor. I thought someone threw a sink?!
L.A.M.E. Everyone goes home. They're all shell-shocked. A fight! An invisible fight. Oh now, how tragic. Despite Bravo having the footage they basically showed us more of Poison yelling at Teresa and wondering why Johnny is mentioning her. Teresa remains confusedly, like, how did alls this happen. Was it the texas? Cause like ring, ring Penny called and it was like 'Bye bitch'.
At the Gorga McMansion they have not quit their day jobs of complaining about Teresa and blaming her for everything. So tired of them playing victim – I don't even care if Teresa is responsible, just stop your whining and shut up! If I had a $1 for every time I heard Teresa's name on RHONJ I'd be able to bail her out of bankruptcy debt! Complaining about your sister-in-law non-stop does not a storyline make, Melis!
The Wallpapers come over to rehash the fight. I seriously believe Richie's wardrobe was found in a 1980's Miami Vice Time Capsule. Kim D probably dresses him – you know she destroys everyone's life! Richie tells the Poisons to just make amends with Teresa, cause you know Joe may be "going away" for a long time and they need to stick together.
"Let's not talk about old school, let's do old school," Richie demands. #TimeCapsuleWisdom That was moving. Go Richie. Was Kathy even there? Reality TV Problems: What to do when your husband has a bigger storyline than you do and you're actually a member of the cast. Solution: binge eat cannoli.
Over to the Juicys – Juicy is driving! DRIVING. He's either A) really, really dumb and flagrantly flaunting his lawbreaking or B) legally able to drive again by some miracle. So they're headed over to Jacqueline Laurita's where Teresa is still pondering how all these people she like texas'd once are like trying to say she did some stuff that she like maybe did in a Fabellini induced stupor, but like she didn't mean to!
At Jacqueline's a surprising things happen. Jacqueline and Teresa turn into Jacqueline and Teresa of yore. Time Capsule by Bravo! Chris Laurita, dispensing the advice of the season, suggests that maaaaaaybe Teresa did "accidentally" have something to do with discussing Melissa to Penny. Like perhaps, Teresa was hanging out with these nefarious famewhores because she was angry at Melissa and perhaps – just a suggestion – she should just own up to it and apologize for associating with
Melissa's peers unsavory characters.
Teresa, to my utter shock, agrees. Seriously you could've knocked me over with a Kim D wig strand. Juicy is officially over it so he shuttles Chris off to eat prosciutto in the basement, "I can only hear so much of this s#*! before I get bored." DITTO!
And Jacqueline continues where Chris left off. A sober and twitter-free Jacqueline is a wise Jacqueline. She tells Teresa that if there's any truth to what Penny was saying she should just own up to and you know, possibly apologize. Even IF Melissa did cruddy stuff to Teresa, still be the bigger person and have the bigger forehead, despite appearances, and say 'Sowwwryyyy'.
Teresa SHOCKINGLY admits that yes, she may regret some of the things she's done out of anger. "I was around people that were saying things about Melissa and maybe I shouldn't have listened… You know, I should have walked away." Jacqueline googles "accountability" shows it to Teresa. 'You can have this accountability stuff for free. But, like, it's really hard to come by and worth a lot, a lot. More than Louis Vuittons. Wanna do it?!'
Admitting that her intentions were not malicious but rooted in hurt (and because Melissa was also "doing things to her") Teresa says that because they were in a bad place she got mixed up in the wrong things. Chris makes an analogy to his relationship to Dina how it makes him feel better about not getting along with her when he hears people say negative things about her.
And the next day at a BLK. tasting for the new flavors (which according to The Caroline are taking the world by storm. Hardly.) Teresa uses that verbatim to apologize to Poison.
Before that happened we get a preview of the Manzo spinoff. It's Caroline moping and morosing around her Ham Game Palace and deciding not to sell, but move more pigs in. Yep Frannie is living there now with her livestock and the Manzo spawn will always have a place to do their laundry and eat mozzarella balls. Momma's never goin' nowhere.
Back at the BLK. tasting there's a poison-inspired flavor that tastes poisonous, but the mood is euphoric. Teresa pulls Joe aside and says she's sorry she brought bad people into their lives. That it happened because they were in a "bad place" and she blamed Melissa for their fractured relationship. "I really should have done things differently. I admit I made a mistake. I listened to the wrong people and I apologize."
She admits Poison should love his wife and kids more than her. It was humble. It seemed authentic. It was nice and genuine. Teresa cried and said she just loves her brother and wants to be a family. He cried. I liked it. I LIKED IT. I was moved and I thought this was a true step in a positive direction for this family… but then WWHL happened. Dammit Bravo!
The end of the season party takes place at Teresa's shore house which started the season destroyed by Sandy. Juicy has been working hard to renovate it and it's a nice low-key bonding event. Everyone comes. I noticed Melissa brought a STORE BOUGHT cake – and not from the Italian bakery. Fighting her urge to throw it over the dock, Teresa smiles and places it with the other desserts. She's a whole new Teresa. Even her hair looks softer.
The Caroline makes a rousing speech about how even when they hate each other they're always there for each other. They are? Juicy tells Teresa he's gonna try to do the best for his family cause he loves them. "We just need to stay strong," he tells her. Bless her heart, Teresa loves this foolish man. And I hope he doesn't take her down with him.
And that's that. End of an era. Hopefully next season will bring an entirely new storyline free of Gorgadice feuding. And I'm still pulling for Teresa to get some sort of a spinoff and move away from this mess. It benefits everyone – her fans can watch her gleefully and her haters can enjoy RHONJ sans Teresa!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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