Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I so forgot how deliciously shade-full and snarky these ladies are. Of course there was also Krayonce… who is just as kraysane as always!
Everyone has had a lot going on since last season. NeNe Leakes re-married Gregg, as we know, and is now like Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory, opening all her wedding presents. Once such wedding present is a $400 Hermes plate from Teresa Giudice. Teresa needs to ask for that plate back. #NotARichBitch
NeNe is ripping through the wrapping paper going 'For meeeeeee….?!' when Gregg reminds her it's actually "for we". Apparently not – it's NeNe's world and we're all just living in it. <Snaps>
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Speaking of worlds, Porsha Stewart's was turned upside down when Kordell surprised her not with jewelry or a new car, but by filing for divorce and leaking it on twitter. As NeNe said, "Kordell knows how to break up with a bitch!"
Since times have changed, Porsha gave NeNe a wedding planner and NeNe passed along her divorce attorney. Miss Porsha hints that she could reveal some serious secrets about her marriage. She also wants to work it out if Kordell is willing and asks her attorney to write down some things he needs to do.
Porsha decides she will wear her wedding ring until all is said and done because took her vows in front of God and meant them. NeNe thinks she needs to have another drink (or 6) and reevaluate things.
Later Porsha and Kordell do a deposition, where he pretty much stonewalls her and says she was too immature to be a wife. As Porsha recounts the tragic experience her mom kinda loses it. Fairly.
Apparently Kordell ditched Porsha at the hospital after her miscarriage and there was some heavy implying that he is gay. NeNe refers to his 'Surprise! We're divorced!' nonsense as a "queen move" and I agree. Kordell is acting like a big, fat, queenie, bitch, jerk who needs to pull his panties out of his butt and look up the definition of "marriage". Maybe he needs to get together with Krayonce!
We know she's all about a fake relationship…
With Porsha's life falling apart, Cynthia Bailey's is expanding. Well, kinda. Peter also pulled a surprise – an unwelcome one – when he purchased a big warehouse across the street from Bar One to move The Bailey Agency into. Surprise! Let's uproot your business with money we don't have! In another unwelcome surprise, in through the door waltzes Kenya Moore. Throwing some serious shade, Cynthia introduces her as the coochie crack woman from last season!
Cynthia invites Kenya to the opening party the following night, a white party, then asks if the eviction was real. Kenya claims her landlord was just trying to get attention. She complains that none of the ladies reached out to her in her terrible time of need. I mean she was like packing rhinestone crowns and silicone butt pads into boxes all. by. herself! And no one – NO ONE – twirled through her door to extend a helping bottle of wine.
Cynthia is like yeah, well someone had a baby, someone got divorced, someone got married, someone expanded a business… Cynthia also reminded Kenya that she also like burned a lot of bridges last season and then fanned the flames. Kenya's response: I don't care about those people, what about me!
Nonetheless if she can posssssssibly dig up a white dress from her copious amount of boxes strewn on the front lawn of the storage shed she's been staying in behind a Buckhead mansion she'll go to Cynthia's opening. Maybe Kenya should buy Chateau Sheree…
or at least rent out the shell as temporary digs.
While Kenya is out on her stallion booty, Phaedra Parks has a new Buckhead Mansion (it's the 90210 of GA!) and a new baby. Apollo is in charge of the renovations while Phaedra is in charge of everything else. Apollo has no taste and can do nothing right by Ms. Parks – what else is new. The house seems nice and they seem to have the right kind of dynamic for a couple who just had a baby and bought a new house. Meaning I've been there, and everything my husband did irritated me as well.
Kandi Burruss, on the other hand, has more serious issues. Starting with that kitchen reno – what was she thinking with that backsplash?! Kandi's mom hates her fiance Todd and refuses to participate in any wedding planning. Mama Joyce thinks Todd is a freeloader who is riding on Kandi's success, but as she reminds us she wrote the TLC anthem "No Scrubs" so she's not about to be with man whose hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride.
Maybe Todd isn't as successful as Kandi, but one look at his IMDB resume says he's no loser. The man worked for Oprah! What is going on here? Todd says Kandi needs to confront the situation instead of ignoring it in the hopes it goes away.
At the Bailey Agency launch, everyone wears all white like angels (clever disguise), bringing up the rear is Krayonce – who is late. And nearly as soon as she waltzed into the room a cold wind blew everyone fabulous out. "I don't have time for that beauty queen on bath salts," snipped Phaedra in what was the most LOL moment of the entire episode. It's interesting that the entire "get fresh crew" (as Todd called them) is getting along with the exception of Kenya.
NeNe and Phaedra decide to take the very moment Kenya sauntered in to take a tour of the facilities with a smirking Peter. Of course Kenya follows… Within minutes she's into it with NeNe about why she didn't come to the wedding. NeNe says she really doesn't care if Kenya came or not – her loss – but she was not about to reach out and ask if Krayonce was coming when she did not respond to the invitation. Since Kenya was EVICTED maybe she had no valid address to send the invite to?
Krayonce throws in NeNe's face that she was stressed out, sooooo overwhelemed, and everyone ignored her while she was Gone With The Wind Homeless. NeNe is confused because she thought Kenya with all her illustrious DVDs and booty squats was a very, rich bitch.
NeNe reminds Krayonce that planning a wedding is stressful and overwhelming, as well. Something Kenya wouldn't know since she's never planned one. Right, Walter. And speaking of Walter, Kenya is furious that NeNe invited him to the wedding and finds it disrespectful. Kenya forgot it was NeNe's wedding and therefore she controls the guest list. If she wants to invite Krayonce's "stalker", she can!
I have to say, NeNe was remarkably calm and non-plonky. Kenya grabbed NeNe's ear (does she not know who she is dealing with?! Call Kim Z!) to try and make her listen about what a terrible injustice it was to invite her fake ex-boyfriend to the wedding. As Cynthia said, "I just can't with the Walter nonsense." Just when I was expecting NeNe to pluck some eyeballs or a wig off, she turned on heel and snaps, "Gone with the wind is gone – and so is Walter!" Then strolls out.
NeNe leaves Krayonce to implode in a pile of Made In Mexico butt implants and orange-tinted facial makeup. Literally Kenya was smoldering and I don't mean in a 'damn she's hot!' way, I mean in a 'Watch your butt NeNe!' I bet Phaedra was crouched in the corner with her Phaedra Sparks taser primed and ready!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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