Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. Everyone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.
Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie?
Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!
Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshipping Lisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF – and even better, they share a birthday.
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Everyone else at SUR hates Scheana because when you have your grey/purple fake tooth glued to the boss' diamond-studded derriere, no one trusts you. Let's talk about Scheana's tooth: SCHEANA GOT DENTAL SURGERY YOU GUYS! It was they very scariest and worstest six hours of her life and it could have ruined her singing career. And no one called her after the terribleness of getting Novocaine!
Did she really think Stassi would be bothered to care? Stassi is too busy asking the mirror, mirror on the wall who's the fairest SUR girl of all – not Scheana now that she lost that tooth! <Evil laugh> Stassi is really something out of American Horror Story, isn't she?!
Scheana thought all these SUR people – particularly Stassi – were her friends, and no surprise – they're not! Stassi actually thinks Scheana is trying to turn Lisa and Pandora against her. Which is so paranoid, but Stassi is a loon with botox and chardonnay for for brains, so it makes sense.
In other SUR news Kristen Doute has lost her marbles. Tom 1 cheated on her in Vegas (didn't we have this storyline last season?! Stop going to Vegas boyfriends!) with some bottle service "whore" but it wasn't just a drunken hookup it was a like a weekend of repeated hookups. Kristen and Stassi stalked this girl, then proceeded to do a voodoo ritual on her in the hopes of turning her into one of Stassi's pet zombie people that Obama is going to adopt when he appoints her Minister of Scary. Like Stassi said, "Sherlock Holmes has nothing on a woman scorned."
They hadn't had sex in 3 months and they were basically acting like roommates so Tom 1 pulled a Jax and looked elsewhere. Now they're trying to get past it but Kristen literally cannot keep her s#*! together and mouths off to Lisa at Kyle's Chamber of Commerce party and then gets a two-week suspension for being rude, insubordinate, and unprofessional.
Scheana had a birthday party. First Lisa bought birthday twins Pandora and Scheana matching dresses and Scheana cried and cried and cried until her tears turned into rose and Lisa finally had another use for her besides using her to make demands to all the other SUR minions so they hate her. Then Pandora gave her custom-made glitter pumps that looked so Payless. I think I saw Stassi throwing up on them later in the night.
Lisa threw Pandora and Scheana a joint birthday dinner party, which got ruined when Scheana tried to make everyone talk crap about Kristen in an attempt to be cool. She is so "fetch". Afterwards they went to a bar to celebrate and Kristen showed up maybe uninvited, maybe invited but not welcome.
Scheana is all like waaaaah! Pay more attention to me! ME! So she causes a big scene with Stassi, Kristen, and that other one that used to be a brunette and is now a crusty from a box bad redhead. Katie Maloney is her name and that hair is atrocious!
Scheana crashes their little powwow outside the bar where they're talking about how Scheana sucks and then Scheana tells Kristen no one likes her and she should leave. They start arguing and Katie butts in and Scheana tells her to "get out of my party"! It's my party I'll be a bitch if I want to – then of course I'll cry because I have no friends.
Katie has a Tom boyfriend too. Tom 2 gets in a fight with Scheana's man Shay because he was trying to defend Scheana against the Mean Girl Army, or something. No fighting – Scheana may loose another tooth! After the fight when Katie and Tom 2 and Kristen and Tom 1 storm out, Shay starts crying and dabbing his eyes behind his fashion-frame eyeglasses. It's my party and my boyfriend will cry if I want him too!
Scheana realizes everyone has ditched her, including Pandora – who was embarrassed by the scene and only fulfilling a contractual obligation – so she rushes outside to beg Stassi to come back. Stassi is like, 'Did this bitch really think I was her friend?'
'I have to go wash my hair,' Stassi calls clicking the leash on Jax, and dragging him away. Scheana stood there, looking out into the LA skyline and wondering why no one likes her? She tries so very hard to have friends. Why, why, why?!
The best part of the episode: PETER! Peter Madrigal is back and hotter than ever. Can he be my pet zombie?
[Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo & BravoTV.com]
TELL US – MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL PERSON ON PUMP RULES? DID SCHEANA DESERVE TO BE DITCHED?