I don't even know what to say about last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Things begin with Dinner Party From Hell 8.0. Kyle Richards and Yolanda Foster are agreeing to disagree by disagreeing when Brandi Glanville stares Kyle down with an unfocused glare and some threatening, slurry words about how she could say a lot of bad things about Kyle. Bad, bad things. Like for real mean stuff.
Lisa Vanderpump warns her to knock it off, but "know this" Brandi sees things. Weren't you just waiting for her to whip out that electronic cigarette?! Brandi was a wreck and needs: blotting papers, powder, detox, a nap, water, psych drugs, to get off my TV.
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!
Kyle's lips tremble the way she practiced a thousand times in her Disney acting days as Kim Richards' Understudy No. 1 (these two still haven't escaped from Bitch Mountain!) and flees the table. **OK there has to be more to this Kyle/Mauricio drama. It was literally TWO corny articles on Radar and never even attracted national news. What is the real drama they're hiding and why are Kyle and Noricio in a Jeep commercial?
Yolanda who was "freshening up" aka sharpening her claws, intercepted Kyle in the hallway where Kyle started bawling about how horrible the TABLOIDS are… the TABLOIDS. Waaaaa… waaaaaa…. waaaaaah! Yolanda hugs and comforts her.
Then Kim shoos Yolanda away and pees with the door open. She really didn't want to miss that camera time, did she? At that point, Lisa, realizing Kyle is seriously upset, comes to console her. In the process of being a good friend to all, Lisa ushers Kim back into the bathroom and shuts the door.
See Rambles was PULLING UP HER UNDERPANTS while Kyle was snuffle-bawling tearlessly about Mauricio rumors and Lisa just was like 'whoops – let's do it in the bathroom where we do our potties.' But Kim doesn't want to be treated like a child! Oh no! Having flashbacks to her Disney Princess days when she was undervalued and then dismissed, Kim starts freaking out on Lisa right in the middle of her heart-to-heart with Kyle. "Don't leave!!!!" Kyle wails to Lisa, her ticket back into the good graces of the public.
For a former actress Kim has absolutely NO sense of timing! Kyle is, of course, pissed. And just when I was starting to feel sorry for her she gets in a petulant huff and sulks that Kim's issues with Lisa are not her problem. Eventually everyone finds their way back to the table where Kim is stomping her feet about how Lisa ignores her and is mean, but Yolanda is suddenly her friend again and they are starting afresh.
The next thing I know Kyle is topless in the pool with some major chandelier earrings. Joyce Giraud (plus top) joined her. Joyce basically admits she was afraid to try and tame any shrews so she just sat there and poked at her dinner while everyone played 'Musical I hate you'.
Meanwhile, back in the lesbiana guest house, Brandi has been woken from the drunk to be more annoying. She and Carlton Gebbia peck at each other in a flirting oddness that was just… weird. Then they decide to go sneak up on Lisa and Yolanda who, surprise!, are sneaking up on them too!
It was a cute scene, until evil meanie poo Lisa grabs the bottle of wine Brandi is chugging from and jokingly but seriously tells her she had enough. Yolanda and Brandi are like no one needs a "vacation police". For someone who admonished "No one likes a drunk woman", Yolanda certainly likes ONE drunk woman.
Because she's pissed at Lisa now, Brandi sneers at Lisa to not "strategize" anymore, alluding that she's done helping her. I assume she is trying to insinuate that Lisa wanted her to destroy Joyce by calling her "Jacqueline" and then made her make racist comments and then forced her to say mean things to Kyle at dinner. Whatever the case, Brandi tells us she's just doing her and doing her is awesome. It is? Lisa is like "huh" and Brandi is makes Alison DuBois eyes at her.
The next day all is right with Team YoLiWino. However Brandi still hates "Hoicita" but she's not going to ruin her trip anymore. That was yesteday's news! She's also forgiven Lisa, who apologizes for commandeering the wine bottle and treating her like a child.
The ladies are in for a day trip on some aerial tram, but everyone hates heights – or more accurately they hate heights with people they hate who could easily throw them out of said tram. Keep your hair inside the tram at all times! No hair flips at 18,000 feet! Splits is so dead.
Finally Kim and Carlton find others that understand them. Others they can truly communicate with: squirrels who are really accustomed to being fed by tourists. Carlton wants to take some home, Kim tells her she has a big purse. Kim is both the funniest and most insane person on this show.
Carlton intones about how she loves and worships the natural world, which includes friend kisses she wants to keep private, but is not limited to silicone, spray tans, domesticated wildlife, and bad dye jobs. Carlton has a lot of double-standards.
Afterwards there is a squirrel-fraught lunch where everyone is getting along. Kim apologizes to Lisa for over-reacting, explaining that with all her kids moving out she's undergoing stressful time. She jokes that she just wants to move in with Lisa. And Kim is the new Cedric! Something tells me Lisa would rather have Kingsley!
A squirrel bit Kyle in the ass (karma!) so everyone leaves, but not before Kim takes a quick moment to pray before the goddess of wasteful wisdom, aka the trashcan at 30,000 feet. I personally think she was just smuggling a squirrel in her purse but didn't want Lisa and Yolanda to know. Both of them witnessed the whole thing and were like 'mmmmm… kay' snootily.
With that they're both out. Before Yolanda leaves she drops a group invite to a dinner party she's hosting with Her King. And He will be playing the piano for all the guests because He is the lord of music. Everyone begrudgingly accepts.
Yolanda worries about abandoning Brandi to the hair-flipping wolves, but Brandi cackles that she'll just act like "Jacqueline", aka be fake nice. And fake nice she is.
Brandi cooks her famous tacos, Joyce opens her famous jar of salsa, and over dinner everyone is laughing and getting along. Kyle thinks it's because Lisa and Yolanda are gone so Brandi can act like herself (Big giant 'YOU'RE WRONG' buzzer sounding here), but Brandi tells us it's because with the Queen Bees out she is now HBIC so everyone is listening to her and fawning all over her and basically it's all about her. And Brandi's motives are as clear as Yolanda's impeccably polished crystal.
Sadly Brandi gets a call from her assistant that her house was broken into and one of her doggies, Chica, is missing. The assistant has been trying to find her everywhere. Brandi loses it, rightfully so, and starts sobbing. In an effort to sympathize Joyce says "I lost a dog once…" and Brandi cuts her off to scream that it doesn't always have to be a competition and Joyce doesn't always have to be the center of attention.
"But… buttt… butttt… I want to give you a hug," robo-Joyce whines chasing Brandi with her arms outstretched. Brandi leaves Palm Springs early to find her dog. She is hysterical over the situation. No one really knows what to do but they all feel incredibly sorry for Brandi.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO WAS THE WORST BEHAVED THIS EPISODE?