Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta paid a visit to beautiful Savannah where there were history lessons all around.
Things pick up where they left off on the bus ride that never ends. Kenya Moore is just sooooooo upset that people were late. Just sooooo disappointed. Just sooooo appalled. Needless to say she starts lecturing the group on not being tardy for any of NeNe Leakes' parties (Didn't we learn that last year?), when Kandi Burruss leaps up to shut Kenya down. Schooled By Bravo.
Phaedra Parks whips out the breast pump to produce some "organic, chocolate milk". New Housewife-in-Training Mynique Smith starts giving sex and marriage tips. She's another one who is subservient to her husband. Which means having a lot of sex. And listening to what he says. Many of the other ladies disagree – especially NeNe who believes the husband should be subservient to the working gal!
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Porsha Stewart lets everyone know if you don't have sex everyday your man has full-grounds to cheat. “If you think that it’s OK for your husband to go and cheat if you’re not screwing him every day, than all you’re saying your worth is what’s between your legs," explains Ms. Krayonce who knows from experience that your worth is actually in your booty.
Porsha starts crying because everyone is judging her but they're OK with Mynique doing the same things. Mynique is annoying – first of all why is MO-nique spelled with a "y", second of all she's tripping over her words and trying to just get in good with everyone. She's a brownnoser – and not the organic, chocolate kind.
Fifty-two hours later after one Housewife jumped off the bus onto the freeway and another one started chugging straight vodka, they reach the "Wedding Cake Mansion." In the middle of the proprietess explaining the mansion is haunted, Kandi races up the stairs and lays claim to the master bedroom. And cue: drama!
Poor Porsha gets stuck in the basement room but she doesn't want to sleep on top of the ghosts who are presumably buried under the house? She decides to share a room with Mynique. Someone she doesn't know, who made her cry. Porsha needs to just get back on the bus and go home – she can't be without her mommy too long anyway.
Meanwhile Kenya plays Krayonce The Twerking Ghost by jumping out at everyone from all corners of the house, haunting them with crazy and the ghosts of booties past. That lady scares me a lot more than anything else – especially knowing she brought a gun and might twirl me to death.
After everyone is settled in they go downstairs for wine. NeNe sulks because no one is respecting her trip. She goes upstairs to pout and Kenya follows her.
Kenya is the most annoyed by the master bedroom snatching and tells NeNe to lay some ground rules for these girls. NeNe is trying to keep NayNay in her suitcase and avoid going off because she wants everyone to bond. I guess NayNay is haunting this trip then!
NeNe decides to go downstairs and issue the rules, "like Kenya suggested", most specifically BE ON TIME. Kandi rolls her eyes. Phaedra is pumping and returns for the tail end of it when Mynique tells her she needs to hear it more than anyone. Phaedra snaps and tells Mynique she better not judge or joke because, "You don't know me like that. I have jobs. And a newborn baby." Poor Mynique is just so out of her element.
Everyone splits up; Kandi and Phaedra take a walk to complain about the others. They spot a hearse doing ghosts tours and Phaedra comes alive. At the mansion Cynthia Bailey tells Mynique she got "read" by Phaedra. "But I don't feel read," Mynique whines.
The next day Mynique realizes she's the only one without false eyelashes, so she asks Cynthia for some help transforming her into a Housewife. It was like My Fair Lady except Mynique wanted lessons in acting less classy. Cynthia teaches Mynique how to "read" – seriously she should offer "reading lessons" at The Bailey Agency – tells her to get a "gay", fixes her makeup, puts her in booty shorts, and informs her about picking up on shade. This lady needs to go back to the suburbs, get in her minivan and call it a day!
Despite not feeling "read", Mynique spends the rest of the morning sucking up to Phaedra, who has no problem letting "Fetch" (Mean Girls reference) feel important.
NeNe arranged a tour of a historic black church which was really interesting. I'm shocked that Housewives presented something beneficial to society. Unfortunately they brought Porsha along on the tour. After the guide is explaining the holes on the floor of the church are from the Underground Railroad, Porsha delivers an impassioned soliloquy about civil rights and the importance of educating the youth.
Then Porsha asks how the train fit under the church, who drove it, and where the people got off? Kandi and Phaedra tell her it's not a real train, but Miss Small head, tiny brain doesn't understand metaphor. I think Porsha is confusing the Underground Railroad with The Polar Express (ghost train). Go home girl – you're dumb.
Seriously – WTF! Porsha should never leave mommy's master bedroom – in fact, mommy needs to put up a babygate, some child locks, and a night light. No wonder Kontroll gave her a curfew.
Then the ladies decide to go out for cocktails. And I mean cock-tales…
Mynique tells Kandi about seeing Mama Joyce at NeNe's wedding. See, Chuck told Mynique that he and Kandi hung out for a couple weeks years ago. Except in actuality they had a serious relationship and he was very close with Joyce (you know she liked him because he had $$$$$$ and was an NBA player!). Kandi keeps trying to avoid giving details but Mynique, spurned by KRAYONCE, just cannot let it go. Then she acts all jealous and pissy like Kandi is lying.
That was so weird – almost like Mynique planned to bring this up to give herself some relevance and become a storyline. She's obviously been getting more than reading lessons – she's been getting "How To Make Yourself A Housewife 101" classes. Step 1: Make the drama all about you.
Unfortunately Mynique wasn't prepared for the truth, like Chuck paid Kandi's credit card bills and she dumped him. And he also dated Phaedra! This was the best day of Kenya's life. Never have I seen her eyes look more alive. "This is sooooo juicy!" she exclaims, noshing on imaginary popcorn. Nom-nom-nom!
Phaedra was off pumping but when she returns everyone is gagging for info about her relationship with ol' Chuck and his very busy cocktail stirrer. First they dated as kids, then in high school, then college. There was no sex, then there was um… well Phaedra respects Mynique's marriage. But Kenya wants details – oh so many details! She wouldn't feel comfortable knowing other ladies had experienced her man. Krayonce is just twirling up trouble!
Neither Phaedra or Kandi offer any more, so Porsha decides she needs to give Mynique her own lesson about being a wife. Specifically that Mynique needs to start asking questions because there's a lot of ghosts in Chuck's past. Mynique played the game wrong and she's for-real mad now. She snaps back that her "shit" isn't in trouble like Porsha's is.
Porsha flips and starts telling "boo" and more incoherent Porsha-speak. (Translation!?). Mynique shrieks, “That’s my husband and I’m not about to let you make my husband look crazy, boo!”
Finally NeNe whacks Porsha in the face with a little paper fan and tells her to shut. it., then forces her to apologize for not being sensitive to Mynique's situation.
"Bye Porsha – in the basement you go," trills NeNe. Take Krayonce with you – and Mynique! Maybe y'all can twerk with the ghosts.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS PORSHA REALLY THAT DUMB OR IS IT AN ACT? MASTER BEDROOM GATE: RIDICULOUS OR VALID? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MYNIQUE SO FAR?