Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills began the slow shifts of alliances as Kyle Richards and Brandi Glanville forged a tenuous friendship of nefarious intent. It's so pernicious. Just pernicious.
Yolanda Foster is planning a dinner party to honor HER KING. It's David-galore and all about David. I wonder what flowers David likes? Probably the ones that bloom in his presence – he is quite miraculous that way!
On the other side of town in a poor, sad subdivision where normal people who don't have houses built on a foundation of Grammy awards and or a fridge made of diamonds spun from the hair of virgin, albino Persian cats, Brandi is searching for her poor lost dog Chica. Awww… poor Chica. While Brandi annoys the bejesus out of me – and adding to that annoyance is the presence of Kyle in a pirate-themed Kaftan from Kylene By Too Many Kraptans – I totally understand the loss of a pet.
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Brandi is waltzing around her neighborhood braless, stapling fliers and Kyle is there in a show of supportive Designing Women blouse wearing. After posting a couple fliers advertising a reward, Brandi admits she feels Chica was eaten by a coyote and it's hopeless, but she needs to stay strong for her kids, and she needs a drink. Suddenly we're on the wine scavenger hunt and calling Win-o. Wiiiiin-o.
Lisa Vanderpump is also on a quest: she's strapped her crossing guard uniform on and jaunty pink construction hat (is she in the Village People now) to oversee construction of her "gay garden" which means moving a million dollars worth of trees around a Beverly Hills parking lot.
Joyce Giraud goes out to dinner with her oafish, Shrek-y husband to talk about how Brandi is racist and offensive and drunk. And we hear you girl but seriously I can't "hear" anything when you swing that hair around like a swashbuckling pageant queen's sword. She should borrow Kyle's shirt!
Carlton Gebbia gets weirder by the episode. She's constructing a "playroom" aka sex dungeon in her house. She needs a whole bunch of props, including a ballgag. Her nanny/swingers partner is downstairs babysitting Hippy, Gypsy, and Magic Moon Dust while Carlton is torturing daddy in what was once the cat's bedroom. Carlton "likes toys". Daddy needs the witness protection program.
Then Kim Richards hops onto my screen with rainbows in her eyes and sparkle in her smile to host the heartwarming segment known as My Dog Ate My Storyline. Seriously Kim would be the perfect host for a kids variety show circa 1978. Anyone remember Lamb Chop? Anyway, Kim's dog will be spending the week with a dog trainer. She cries. I imagine Yolanda's flowers.
Oh – and there they are! Sitting right next to some botox injected strawberries in the diamond-infused cooler of euphoric dreams. I think that thing doubles as a time capsule and that's the secret to Yolanda's amazing, glowing skin. Yolanda is really GiGi? Clearly I already have Christmas brain…
Yolanda is very hands-on with her dinner party. Which means bopping around in a bathrobe swooning over David's general swoony-ness. A swoony-ness that is not translating.
Before the party Carlton calls to say she's "sick". I take that to mean she's in the throes of nipple clamps and "Daddy" is being beaten by an army of porcelain dolls wearing bondage costumes, but whatever. Yolanda is miffed by the rudeness of last-minute cancelling. "You didn't know you were sick earlier?" she asks David scanning her 37,000 pair of shoes in a closet that boasts an ocean view. OK – I recant my previous statement: I'm starting to get David's swoony-ness.
Kyle and Brandi ride to the party together. And after several minutes of an awkward silence they decide to drink champagne and talk about how Lisa treats Brandi like a child and you guys, she's a grown woman who like just does grown woman stuff. Keep telling yourself that.
'You're right,' Kyle purrs PERNICIOUSLY Lisa does make you act different. "Lisa is the devil in a pink dress," she hisses as Brandi downs her champagne and starts sucking on the cork.
At Yolanda's, Kyle feels awkward since Yolanda like hates her and Brandi suddenly switches allegiances, like they never had that sloshy, touching limo ride. Kyle thinks Brandi acts differently when it's just the two of them.
Joyce shows up next and GiGi is now acting as a stand-in for Carlton. Brandi claims Joyce is being competitive with GiGi who is prettier than Joyce. I think Brandi is the one that makes everything a competition and needs everything to be about her. That's definitely something she and Kyle have in common. Yay for bonding!
That's about the time things get dicey. And pokey. Lisa arrives and Brandi spends an exorbitant amount of time poking Lisa's boobs under the guise of looking for implants. Kyle wants to be felt up too because Kyle never wants to be left out so she points out that she doesn't have implants either. I bet she also secretly wants a "friendship kiss".
At the dinner table Kyle makes an amazing discovery through years and years of deductive research that some of the place cards, like the one with her name on it, have hearts on them while some of the place cards, like the ones that have Lisa and Brandi's names on them, do have hearts. We spend approximately 45 minutes discussing this which Yolanda chocks up to her sub-concious choosing her "team".
Poor Kyle – you're heartless. Go have another caftan and cry. Hearts is the new cheating scandal and we're gonna have to hear about it for the next 13 episodes but the only person talking about it will be Kyle, who will also be the only person complaining about how she just wants it to go away. I bet Mauricio had a heart and that means he was cheating with Yolanda.
Then Brandi gets drunk at dinner and starts making jabs at Joyce, despite Lisa trying to wrench the wine glass from her hand, then putting her in Kingsley's muzzle which Kim was lovingly stroking under the table, then putting her in the cryogenic memory erasing fridge so that Brandi would forget all about hating Joyce and instead re-focus her energy on hating Kyle.
Brandi is annoyed that David asks Joyce to give a speech in Spanish since Brandi doesn't understand Spanish. Then she was annoyed that Joyce calls her husband baby. "Are you a baby or a man?" she slurs at Shreky. Lisa laughs which was "dicky".
The injected strawberries arrive and Kyle goes on and on about how they're "Beverly Hills strawberries". And did you hear the one about the strawberries with botox? That's Kyle and her krazy life. The strawberries have caftans too. Kyle tries too hard and Yolanda gave her a hard stare as she made a big show of eating the forever young berries. Ugh – she exhausts me. Sometimes I'd prefer a split.
Yolanda claps briskly like a Nazi governess and demands all the children gather around the piano and not speak. And certainly do not sing only the King and his apprentices may make sounds on the musical spectrum.
I was wondering where those tenors went. Apparently they were not permitted to eat dinner and were only trotted out for the entertainment portion of the evening despite the fact that they were supposedly guests of honor. Or maybe that was Brandi's booze that was the guest of honor. The singing was lovely.
In the limo on the ride home Joyce's baby-man tells her she needs to do something about Brandi. Joyce flips her hair and laments, "It's so ugly when a pretty girl gets wasted." which is the new "There's nothing uglier than a drunk woman."
Was Kim even at that party?
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS JOYCE OVER-SENSITIVE ABOUT BRANDI OR WAS BRANDI BEING A BITCH?