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Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over. 

Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler? 

Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!

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Gaaaaah!!!

And drinking the blood of innocent nannies is not helping Carlton stay young and fresh – I really do believe she's a 1000 years old because her skin looks like the fruit leathers I give my 3-year-old. 

Later Carlton supervises the construction of a stage in her playroom. She specifies the stage must be big enough to accommodate two performers and leers at the nanny (WHO IS WATCHING THE KIDS WHILE NANNY IS IN THE SEX CAVE ALL DAY?!).

Let's just break this down: Carlton got mad at Joyce Giraud for mentioning her hubby's dingaling, chastised Kyle Richards for bringing up Lisa Vanderpump's nipples but is OK with Brandi Glanville's girl kissing and language. And with showcasing her own sex obsession on television. 

Here's my assessment of Carlton: Big, fake double-standards to go with those big, fake double-D boobs she's got strapped to her chest!

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Yolanda Foster is celebrating her anniversary with savior of the universe, David but she has a big red zit. I guess David can't save her skin! She calls Brandi for de-zitting advice and is told to put Visine on it to take the redness out. Doesn't she have a skin specialist on retainer? 

Yolanda squeezes a giant drop of Visine directly on it then applies the skin of newbile virgin unicorns all over her face, dabs with oil of diamonds extracted from the center of the earth by special trolls, and finally spritzes with a tonic made of lavender and extinct alligator pee. Then she prances out the door to meet The King. 

The King takes Yolanda to Nobu and gives her a card from the Brooks Ayers Collection of sappy affirmations. Yolanda gives him a book of tasteful nude photographs of herself. Yo looks hot. I need some of that oil of diamonds por favor! 

Moving on, Kyle is hosting a splitstastic fashion show in the Lair of Kaftans. Kaftans by Kylene is raising money for a children's hospital which is awesome. Kyle is freaking out about hosting a fashion show because a) it's not a fashion show, it's a walk around the store in Kyle-Klothes and b) Goodwill is more fashionable than Kyle. She wants to call it a demonstration instead. How about a retrospective of Golden Girls Fashion Statements? First, The MuMu. Then, Evening Wear MuMu. Finally the polyester slack!

Kyle has Brandi, two of Brandi's friends and Joyce along with Joyce's Queen of The Entire Universe and Then Some title holder (Joyce get over yourself with that!). When Jennifer Gimenez meets Joyce they begin speaking Spanish together in a moment that was cute and authentic. Brandi starts seeing red and her extension start smoking about how Joyce is trying to talk about her behind her back by using another language. Apparently Joyce is alllllways doing that! <eyeroll> Brandi – stop eating the sour jelly beans. That was so lame. 

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Unfortunately nothing in mumus-r-us fit those skinny-minnies because Kyle's store is blessedly filled with clothing for real people but Brandi and Joyce are size 0, 00, or -0. Kyle is annoyed. "How thin can you be?" she wonders. I agree with Kyle. 

Joyce trills (in ENGLISH thankfully so Brandi can understand her!) that one can never be too thin before rejecting the 00 as "too big". Joyce's hair is too big. It wears at least a size 4. Which ironically is the same size Kyle is. #Hairflip

Kim Richards is still in the doghouse with Kingsley. She watches a video of him romping around the woods with his trainer because he's at a dog retreat. Kim and her son have a chat about letting go and growing up; Kim does not seem to be absorbing it because she's imagining herself frolicking next to Kingsley, hair blowing in the wind, flowers nipping at their ankles. Kim tells us sometimes Kingsley smothers her but she's Alpha Kim now. 

Alpha Kim wears wedge sneakers and rides shotgun in race cars at the race track. Alpha Kim doesn't have a dog that bites people's faces off when they try to snag a bite of her lovingly molested and groped chicken salad. Alpha Kim better get more exciting before I fast forward through her scenes!

Finally, Alpha Lisa! Lisa is hosting a dinner party so she "The Dream Team" can start afresh with Joyce. In order to make Queen of The Hair Flips (don't tell Kyle!) more comfortable she's also inviting mutual friends Martin and Mohamed Hadid. The party will be hosted at SUR, naturally. 

Lisa fills Martin in on the specifics – and she wants him to talk to Brandi during the party. Martin looks like he'd rather date Kim again ('member that?!) than converse with Brandi. Brandi complains that Joyce is a "one-upper". 

Joyce is late. She makes the customary show of double-kissing everyone, including a palm tree, but then barely glances in Brandi's direction save for a quick hello. And Brandi is pissed. "Get me a drink before I kill a Puerto Rican" she snaps at the bartender. Things go down from here. Down to Planet Trash where the national language is the F-bomb. 

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Over dinner things get gnarlier and gnarlier. A discussion emerges about Joyce's intro into the group and her husband Michael (who looks like Shrek!) says things have been rocky. Yolanda is miffed that a husband is getting involved. Michael disagrees and will defend his wife. Which I appreciate!

Suddenly Brandi and Joyce are at it. Brandi mentions that they have mutual friends, Joyce agrees they have one. Brandi argues that it's two. And neither mutual friends speak highly of Joyce behind her back. Joyce is surprised because both these ladies, her very good friends (and Brandi's too!) actually speak negatively about Brandi.

Um… If someone doesn't "speak highly" of you behind your back than they're not a friend – so Joyce and Brandi have NO mutual friends!

Joyce calls Brandi a racist bully who is mean. Brandi thinks Joyce is annoying and stupid - I really couldn't interpret because she was dropping so many expletives. Joyce's husband calmly jumps in to ask Brandi to stop being so hateful towards his wife and stop using foul language. Brandi wants to know what planet Shrekael lives on? Joyce says Brandi lives on Planet Trash! BWHAHA

Planet Trash is right! When is the space ship coming to return Brandi to the motherland? Brandi is probably Queen of Planet Trash – Joyce should get her a pageant sash and a crown. 

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Lisa keeps beseeching Joyce to let it go and leave Brandi alone - which was ridiculous! Brandi was out of line – she has been harassing Joyce all season. Lisa needs a wakeup call about who her friend Brandi is! Joyce definitely had a right to defend herself and I appreciate her not backing down. Lisa was ridiculous to redirect Joyce, but leave Brandi be. I don't care if Brandi was wasted beyond belief!

Was anyone else waiting for Brandi to accuse Joyce of having an affair with Mohamed? Just me…

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

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