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I am really having a hard time watching this mess. I can't even think of a witty introduction to last night's Dance Moms because I personally want to rip that bump-it out of Abby Lee Miller's hair every time she speaks. The girls have gone from fun-loving talents to terrified robots. Shame on her.

Abby, Melissa, and her daughters arrive in Los Angeles so that MacKenzie can get into the recording studio. What is Abby now? A pop star manufacturer? Abby wants to make sure that MacKenzie has the personality and energy to be a mini-Katy Perry. She interrupts the session to tell the poor girl that she is performing like Brooke, and that isn't a compliment. MacKenzie puts a little oomph into her singing, and Abby is finally seeing her star potential…at least one of us is. She and Abby head back to Pittsburgh while Maddie stays behind for a performance of her own.

With the start of the pyramid, Abby reminds the girls that she is looking for a dancer to be her Maddie when Maddie is off doing more important things…like a job in L.A. Nia is at the bottom because of her headpiece debacle, followed by Kendall. She's clearly the reason that her duet with Kalani didn't place first as Kalani and Maddie took the top prize in their duet. Of course, Kalani learns a bit about Abby and her fickle ways when she goes from the top of they pyramid to the bottom row. Chloe is third and praised for her duet Maddie, but she needs to work on her facial expressions. MacKenzie is in second for her brilliant work with the candy box in the group number. Christi wonders why MacKenzie is above Chloe after Chloe won both of her dances. Duh, Christi! The candy box! When Maddie is once again in the top spot, Jill scoff that it's predictable.  

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The upcoming competition is in Indiana, and Kalani, Chloe, and MacKenzie will have solos. Abby needs to find who will be this week's Maddie so she declares an improv competition in which the moms must pick the best dancer…but they can't choose their own daughter. Both Jill and Melissa pick Kalani, while Holly and Kira pick Chloe. Christi chooses Kendall. Those three girls then dance again with MacKenzie and Nia added to the voting pool. Nia is the only vote for Kalani, and Kira, Melissa, and Jill voting for Chloe. MacKenzie, Holly, and Christi vote for Kendall, and now there is a showdown between Kendall and Chloe.  Kendall wins the dance off and will get the lead in the group dance. 

As Chloe works on her solo, Christi complains that her daughter is always the sacrificial lamb for the new girls. Kalani is clearly a wonderful dancer, and she'd never put Maddie up against her for fear Maddie would lose. Have a little faith in hour daughter please! Abby asks Chloe to imagine how wonderful her world would be if she could just dance as well as Maddie. She's such a supportive teacher. On cue, Kelly calls Christi who complains that she is in "dance hell." You and me both, lady. Kelly invites Christi to lunch, and Kira asks if she can tag along since she hasn't met her…except for the few moments when Kelly was biting off her head before pulling Abby's hair. Melissa finds this request incredibly odd.  Christi includes the other ladies, but makes sure that Kira knows it's super weird she'd want to join. Kira just wants to make sure that Kelly and her girls aren't returning and Kalani's spot on the team is solid.

dance moms kelly christi

Kelly and Christi arrive first to the restaurant (or whatever studio that Lifetime has decided to make into a restaurant), and Christi admits she misses her partner in crime. The other women shuffle in, and Kelly cordially introduces herself to Kira. Melissa finds the entire situation totally awkward. When Jill asks about the charges pending against Kelly, Kelly is adamant that she isn't allowed to talk about it. She pointedly reminds Jill that she could have called to check on her. Only Holly and Christi reached out to her after the great bump-it brawl of '14.

Later that day (I assume since the moms are wearing their luncheon gear…I couldn't forget Melissa's pants no matter how hard I try!) the women convene at the studio, and Maddie is back from Los Angeles, Abby informs her off the dance-off in which Kendall was the victor, and she knows that Maddie will respectfully allow Kendall to be the leader of the group number. As the mothers watch, it appears that Kalani is the lead. Maddie has quite a memorable part as well, while Kendall fades into the background with the remaining girls. Discussing the solos, Kira wonders if Abby will pit Kalani against Maddie next week. Melissa rolls her eyes, and Christi promises that Abby will never put Maddie in a position where she could potentially lose. Melissa reminds all of the mothers that her daughter is basically unbeatable. Kira begs to differ.Jill gripes to Melissa that Maddie walked in to become the star of the group number, and Melissa begrudgingly agrees.

dance moms abby

Working on MacKenzie's solo, Abby wants her dancing like more of a teenager, and Melissa is excited to see her being more mature. She's what? Eight? Abby is yelling at her left and right, and Melissa is finally getting to see how the other mother's feel when their girls are on the receiving end of Abby's wrath. Abby then questions the mothers about their lunch with Kelly. They are stupid for wanting to talk to her and she threatens their daughters' spots on the team. Holly says their intentions were not to rile her up, and Abby screams that she isn't bothered in the least. Could've fooled me! On the bus ride to the competition, Abby is railing on the team about how she has little confidence in them this week. She then gets in a yelling match with Christi for being ignorant. When Kelly's name is mentioned, Abby gives an evil laugh. Working with MacKenzie, Abby berates the poor girl for being a little girl at a dance competition. She compares her to Asia and then dismisses her for being a slug. Sweet MacKenzie is nearly in tears. Chloe also gets a "pep talk" about how many more girls want "it" more than she does. 

Chloe's solo is gorgeous. It reminds Christi of her daughter's dancing before being ripped to shreds for years by Abby. Before taking the stage, Maddie coaches Kalani to make sure she has three good faces. I find this ironic as Maddie always has the same damn facial expression when she dances. It never changes. As much as I love Chloe, Kalani's solo is flawless. MacKenzie's powers through her solo even after her hairpiece falls onto the stage. Back in the dressing room, Abby praises Kalani's dance as "great" and mutters that Chloe did "good." She then chucks MacKenzie's hairpiece on the ground and chastises her for being an embarrassment. I really wish Melissa would speak up right about now! Jill picks this moment to question why Kendall isn't the lead of the group dance, and Abby screams that perhaps Kendall should have spoken up if she didn't like who things were going during rehearsal. I bet that would have totally worked in Kendall's favor, right? 

dance moms

The group dance is great, but it's really just the Kalani and Maddie show. At the awards ceremony, MacKenzie's lip begins to quiver when she's not called third or second. She's ecstatic to win her division, and Abby is shocked–and thrilled–that the hairpiece horror didn't affect her score. In the junior division, Chloe's solo is a close second to Kalani's first. The ALDC wins the group number as well…a clean sweep. Back in the dressing room, Kira innocently suggests that Kalani and Maddie go head to head with solos. Is she insane? Does she want to awaken the beast? That will NEVER happen Abby bellows. Abby then tells Chloe that she did a good job, but she needs to step up her game with private lessons since she doesn't ever come to any. Christi reminds Abby that she drives her to the lessons each week, and Abby snipes that maybe Chloe is sneaking out the back door to meet up with a boy instead of staying for class. Christi tells Abby not to say such things about a twelve-year-old (much more calmly than I would have, mind you), and Abby shrieks that she tries to compliment Chloe and gets shut down by her mother, calling Christi "Satan." I really just can't watch this much longer. 

TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE? IS ABBY SCARED THAT MADDIE WOULD LOSE TO KALANI? 

[Photo Credit; Lifetime]

 

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