Seriously what was happening last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Did the producers slip some hallucinogens in Yolanda Foster's virgin vodka soda with a twist of lemon? Or maybe she was just experiencing a "Lyme brain" flare-up?
We're all at the Centennial party for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce's most embarrassing day. Kyle Richards was MOTOBOATING people. I mean, really…? I am quite sure the acting president was forced to resign after this party!
Also, this was the worst collection of finale dresses I've seen in seasons and seasons. Did Kyle "Motoboating" Richards look in a mirror because that was the most unflattering slumpy thing I've ever seen her wear! And Joyce Giraud needs to teach this Splits to pageant walk.
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Everyone is all a-twitter because *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump is making an appearance and she's been rocking invisibility pumps since Puerto Ridiculous. Carlton Gebbia arrives first. This is significant because it gave me extra time to scope out her outfit. Part DWTS costume/Part Desperate Cougar Wannabe MILF Mother of the Bride.
Yolanda sidles over to complain about how Lisa is a "Hollywood friend". Which, who on these shows isn't? And seriously if I hear that expression one more time I'll gouge my eyes out with a Louboutin and send Yolanda the bill. For both the shoes and the eyes. Yolanda just wants Lisa to take accountability for what I presume is being a bad friend. To whom, is not clear, but I'm guessing Yo is mostly out for numero uno.
Kyle and Brandi Glanville are now besties - sisters from another mister! Brandi is even letting Kyle dress her… from Portia's closet. Because that dress looked like something a pre-teen would wear and it was about 3 sizes too small and 6 inches too short. Brandi has some date this year and instead of Kyle whining about how Brandi might have sex in the bathroom she's now whining about how Lisa sucks.
Joyce and Kim Richards arrived together. Because Kim couldn't find a date? Where's Kingsley? Or the werepuppy? Instead Kim has an e-cigarette. Know this… you're a cheap imitation Allison DuBois!
As Lisa arrives you can feel the anxiety in the air. Brandi decides she's gonna have three drinks before speaking to Lisa because she needs "liquid courage." Because that's always worked out so well for her in the past… Amirite, "Jacqueline"?!
Yolanda and Kyle greet Lisa awkwardly. There is testiness about why Lisa left PR early. "I had to – It was horrible," says Lisa. Yolanda is aghast that Lisa did not call her for advice but instead hightailed it to a five-star resort down the road while she was stuck in sub-par accommodations pretending to like Kyle. The unspoken word here is, "You go against Queen Lisa you get stuck in the servants quarters." Yolanda, trying to get David some business from the under 80 crowd, complains that even Beyonce doesn't have that much attitude. Call us, Bey!
Then Kim does a drive-by apology to Ken Todd for calling him a stubborn old man. "Know this Ken… I shouldn't have said that. It was rude. Oooh! Turtles! OMG a TURTLE race! OMG – gots to go!" and Kim scampers away, yanked by Kingsley and trailing non-carcinogenic "smoke". Kim definitely needs a spinoff of some kind. Probably on Animal Planet. Or SyFy. Ken is ungracious in his acceptance, which was lame. He brushed her off and then continued muddling through the party like Lisa's bodyguard. Ken… have a heart and be a little nicer to ol' Kim.
Meanwhile Brandi is trying to convince Snarlton that she's been fooled by Lisa, who is a puppet master trying to collect people to be on her side over whether or not there were tabloids and lies. Carlton is disgusted that Brandi would accuse Snarlton, caster of spells, of being under any spells. "I'm British too" she sniffs, "Lisa's fancy accent doesn't work on me!" Brandi tells Carlton she couldn't have handled the trip. Snarlton not able to handle another opportunity to lambaste Kyle? Girl, please…
Lisa pulls Kyle aside to tell her it's really up to her whom she wants to believe regarding tabloid-gate round 635, but Lisa is done trying with this mess. Basically if Kyle wants to continue their friendship than it's on her. Kyle starts rambling about Lisa's loyalty and how Brandi is a "truth cannon" and on and on. It's never enough for Kyle, who wants constant affirmations and constant drama. And I don't even know what but Lisa walked away. Right into the waiting lair of Brandi.
Brandi wants to "talk" which is code for blame Lisa for everything and reduce Lisa to sniveling and begging for forgiveness. It doesn't work. Brandi is drunk and slurs through this speech about how Lisa is a liar who uses people and refuses to pick Brandi over the whore husband f–ker Scheana Marie who she keeps throwing in front of Brandi like, "Surprise! It's the whore who f–ked your husband 92 years ago when the Earth was still flat and people had dial up internet and no spray tans!"
Lisa doesn't see Scheana as a "whore." However, her worst offense is that she reminds Brandi that this affair happened approximate 300 years ago before Beverly Hills was even born (just ask the Chamber of Commerce!), because Brandi needs to continue dining out on the cheating husband-drama.
Brandi whines, “This isn’t about you - this is about me and how hurt I am!” Then she proceeds to complain that she thought Lisa was her friend – no, her family! – but she used her as a pawn. Now Brandi is free and this fight is good for them because finally Brandi is her own person. If you were confused, you weren't the only one. Because then Brandi proceeds to tell everyone at the party she "loves Lisa, but…" and if you always say you love someone before or after slamming them there's probably a reason why you're single and your so-called family is someone you met on a reality show under false pretenses a mere two-years ago.
Finally there is househusband drama, because why wouldn't there be on a show about Housewives? Mauricio and Ken go have a talk about how Mauricio has lost 10 lbs, hours of sleep, and the ability to get an erection since hearing the terrible story of how Lisa maybe put tabloids in Brandi's suitcase. Maybe Lisa just wanted to read them on the two-hour car ride INSTEAD of talking to Brandi about Brandi?
Anyway, Ken tells Mauricio to consider the source of these stories: Kim (HA!), Brandi (HA!), and Yolanda (Huh?). Mauricio mulls it over, it makes sense, they hug, and they wander over to the ladies where Brandi is waterboarding Lisa with cheap wine over how she so saw those tabloids at her house. Lisa does not crack under pressure and finally just says "OK" because she's hungry, and tired, and her spanx are too tight and it's time to end this nonsense over friendships she does not care about.
And if you were noticing that Brandi changes this story often, you weren't the only one.
When Ken huddles near the pack of women, Yolanda screeches at him to leave them alone and stop getting involved in the women's drama. Ken tells her if David were here he would talk to him instead. "David would never associate with the likes of you," Yolanda sneers (TRUE COLORS, shining right through… Did David write that song?!). Brandi pipes up that David can't attend events because he's too busy actually having a job.
Ken reaches his hand towards Yolanda, in a totally casual NON-AGRESSIVE WAY (I watched this like 16 times for confirmation) and she slaps him away. "Don't touch me," she barks. Was Yolanda sipping on some of Brandi's "liquid courage"? Yolanda is awfully high and mighty about being Mrs. Foster no 4, isn't she?
At that point Lisa walks out. She is done. Doner than the Maloof Hoof. Done. Done. Done. And rightfully so. Ken calls Yolanda stupid again, which I don't think is that bad because she was behaving stupidly, and follows his wife. Kyle chases after them begging Lisa to stay, but Lisa has seen all of their true colors. I hope she looked Kyle up and down and said, "That dress makes you look fat – and it's all on national TV. Bye, darling!"
Look – it's not that I believe Lisa is above bitchiness, but the things they are accusing her of are so ridiculous it's ridiculous.
Also, Kyle is now being a stage mom to Portia. Ugh.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – TEAM EVERYONE ELSE OR TEAM LISA?