Holy crap! Charleston is totally going to RavenHell in a hand basket courtesy of Bravo. So, since last week, pretty much all anyone in this town is talking about is how horrible (and somewhat addictive) Southern Charm is. Well, played Andy Cohen. You are a true evil genius. My Facebook newsfeed was filled with friends who were posting pictures of themselves with these yahoos, and I couldn't tell if they are star struck or legitimate friends with the cast of this show. Is one of those scenarios better than the other?
Thomas Ravenel calls his father to talk about a chance meeting with Governor Nikki Haley at a Yankee fundraiser and implore him to start procreating to ensure the family's future. T-Rav reminds us that his dirty political consultant Will Folks wants him to pick the pedigreed Kathryn Dennis for a bride and child bearer (spoiler alert…she is about to have his child in "real time"), but at thirty years his junior (if you go by his birth certificate and not his Bravo bio), T-Rav is concerned that she may be too immature for him. Well, she did graduate from high school in 2009, but some snooping reveals that their burgeoning relationship is totally Facebook official. The pair even thanks "Sic Willie" for his matchmaking skills on T-Rav's page. Gag. That's a relief. T-Rav is traveling to Edisto to give a polo lesson to Shep's ex-girlfriend Danni, and he's great at skeeving me out by molesting her with his eyes and talking about how comfortable she looks in the saddle.
Craig Conover and Cameran Eubanks are brunching, and he's still drunk from the previous night. That's the beauty of brunch…you just keep boozing. Cameran takes offense to Craig calling her old for being almost thirty, and it's no surprise to learn that his longest relationship is one month. I'm not sure it fares well for Southern Tide that their golf shirts are adorning every douchebag on this side of the Ashley River. Craig has a secret crush on Kathryn…he's never diddled a girl with purple hair (or orange…take your pick).
Whitney Sudler-Smith and Shep King are planning to open a cool bar with good food, that's hip and popular with the kids of CofC. He's a genius. In three seconds, he just invented Upper King. Back on the polo field, Danni is schooling Thomas on all things vino. He doesn't know a burgundy glass from a high ball, and he tried to open a bottle with a rabbit (cheating, according to Danni). However, he knows the difference between a good and a bad wine. Danni calls his bluff and begins spouting off like a sommelier, causing Thomas to call her a cunning linguist. He's a classy one! Danni is cute, and she tries not to cringe when accepting a date offer to accompany T-Rav to his pal J.D.'s cookout. No harm in a little more air time, right? As she sips her wine, claiming she has to drive home, T-Rav offers up a spare bedroom. Her "uh uh" says it all. I like Danni.
Whitney is dining with his mother, the illustrious Patricia while calling out her chef for putting bourbon in her blueberry crisp. Bourbon is for drinking, not for cooking. Whitney then opens a $2000 bottle of red wine for mother, but she's leery when his personal assistant Brandi requests a glass. Wait, why does he have a personal assistant? Whitney announces his and Shep's plans for a chic Mexican restaurant. Patricia believes her son is in over his head, and, in case you missed her saying it the first eighteen times, she despises her son's personal assistant. Brandi probably wears clothes from Loft…she can't even spring for Ann Taylor which, according to Patricia, is the lowest of the low.
Shep and Craig are at a surf shop scrounging for board shorts for Shep's surfing date with M.J. Shep reveals that M.J. isn't really into texting him back…he's lucky to get a one-word text in return. Craig is worried that is friend has totally given up the power in this relationship, and now M.J. is calling the shots. To be honest, she probably realized what a bad idea it was to talk to Shep when he legitimately believed that "thunk" was a word. A half mile away, Patricia is channeling her best Linda Carter will dining on the veranda with Whitney and Brandi. Did Whitney just summon the wait staff with a dinner bell? Patricia is befuddled that with all the churches in the Holy City, there isn't more Christian forgiveness when it comes to T-Rav because no one wants her to host any luncheons given her ties to the fallen politician. The conversation switches to Whitney's need for his own stabbin' cabin (that was for you, B!), and Patricia makes a nasty statement when commenting on the "Rican" with whom her son used to reside. Not wanting to seem so horrible, Patricia assures us that she'd welcome that girl now with open arms if it would mean
Brandi was kicked to the curb Whitney would take a bride. Forget about a girl's social status, Patricia only cares if they are breathing.
Out on Folly Beach, Shep is working his best game with M.J. on their surfing date. He's enlisted Cameran and Craig and crew to join them so he doesn't appear to be a serial killer. Shep is pouring Coors in Kangaroo cups as he strikes out with his go-to lines. M.J. is so not interested. You know what would be a great story line right about now? If the beach cops arrived on the scene to give them an open container worth over a thousand dollars. The laws prohibiting alcohol on the beaches are
lame no joke, and the fines are super steep. Clearly though, it doesn't stop anyone from boozing in the sand.
Poor T-Rav is about to have a massive coronary after an in home work out that seems to have consisted of some Get In Shape, Girl hand weights. He talks to J.D. on the phone about wanting to seal the deal with Danni, but he's willing to be patient. Dear Bravo, We interrupt this blog post to share our hatred and outrage over the fact you just showed T-Rav's bare ass on national television. It's a new and sad low, Andy. We now rejoin your regularly scheduled programming already in progress. At his house, J.D. is sporting his own Southern Tide polo. I hope his Bravo paycheck is hefty, because word on the street is he needs it. Danni arrives and she can't recoil from T-Rav's hug quickly enough. When he brings up marriage, she is hasty to say she'll be the last of her friends to tie the knot. Thomas chimes in with the fact that he can relate as most of his friends' children are getting married. Thomas admits that he's ready for babies, as he's fifty (close), and he'd start impregnating the lucky lady tomorrow if he could. Why is he still on the market?
Back on Folly, Cameran tells Shep that he's found an eleven in M.J. Shep likes her a lot, but he reveals that she's given him some signs that she may not be interested. Hog wash! Cameran cries, What signs? Well, the fact that she left the date much earlier than anticipated, Shep reminds her. No worries, Kathryn arrives and boldly demands surfing lessons from the lothario. Cameran is not impressed. Me either! Can we get Cameran and Danni their own gig? Poor Craig is saddened by this turn of events as he has had a massive kindergarten crush on Kathryn for weeks.
After J.D.'s dinner, Danni quickly peaces out, and T-Rav walks her to her car. She can't get away from him fast enough, but that doesn't stop him from man-handling her from behind and forcing a kiss on her. She darts and dodges as he tries to prolong the one-sided make-out and quickly escapes into her car. T-Rav shares this moment with J.D. who thinks that his friend needs to try harder with Danni while admitting that his friend doesn't Google well for potential suitors. T-Rav is upset. He'd wants to get to "kick the tires" before deciding whether Danni is right for him. Um, in what alternate universe is he living in that Danni making that decision already isn't enough? Gross.
If you ever wondered where T-Rav got his gentle demeanor and soft-spoken, humble nature, look no further than his father. The duo catch up over lunch where T-Rav announces his plans to re-enter the political arena. He feels pride every time he drives over the Ravenel bridge…because his father's money was so instrumental in making it happen. His father is adorable, and he instructs Thomas to call girls "ladies" instead of "women." T-Rav shares his Danni make-out horror story with dear, old dad who reminds his son that is he gets a girl pregnant, she can't reject him. Is that disgusting or what? Foreshadowing, for sure! T-Rav's father leaves the waitress a five dollar bill tip as he denounces Lincoln as a president. No. Please stop. I promise we're not all horrible, entitled racists. Way to fulfill the stereotype, T-Rav's dad. I take back what I said about you being adorable…and stop raising your eyebrows and grinning at the cameras as if you're Zack Morris calling "time-out" on Saved by the Bell. That is all.
Whitney is dining with a gaggle of ladies, including his personal assistant Brandi and Jenna King. Jenna finds Whitney's attempts at flirting to be incredibly pervy. The group heads to a bar on Upper King in hopes of setting up Whitney with the bartender. Instead, they find a drunk Shep. Note to self, don't frequent Republic. Whitney plays dad to Shep and urges him to curb his wild ways. Back inside the bar, a slurring Shep finds a slurring Kathryn, and they both flirt like middle schoolers if middle schoolers were highly suggestive and inappropriate. Kathryn's friend is not amused. The following day, Craig and Cameran are lunching again, and Craig cries to the only voice of reason about Shep breaking the bro code by hooking up with Kathryn. Craig wants Cameran to come out with him for the confrontation, but she needs to study real estate. Is that it, or would she rather spend quality time with her fiance who wants nothing to do with the show? Regardless of the reason, it's a win for Cameran.
Every player in this twisted game heads to Taco Boy (get the pineapple margarita if you ever find yourself on Huger Street!) for dinner, and Craig is ready to confront Shep for hooking up with his crush. At the bar, Shep and Kathryn cryptically chat about the previous evening's sexcapade. When Craig calls out Shep, Kathryn storms out claiming that Craig has a double standard for man whores and good girls. Shep throws out a #sorrynotsorry and the lines are drawn. This show is so epically bad, I can't help but love it.
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE? WHO IS THE GROSSEST DUDE ON SOUTHERN CHARM?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]