Aviva Drescher has gone from sort of amusingly unhinged to absolutely deranged on this season of Real Housewives of New York. From her father George's antics, to fighting with everyone, Avicious needs to use her newly-minted inhaler to take several deep breaths and get ahold of herself.
Aviva begins by insulting Kristen's husband, the highly contemptible Josh, and continues by insulting pretty much everything else about Kristen.
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"Our introductory blurbs at the top of each episode range from the brash ('Sometimes Sonja has to go commando.') to the ridiculous (Carole's 'check out my great ass') to Kristen's sad sing-songy, self-loathing battle cry."
"When I first heard it, I thought 'Oh no, Kristen, don't! You're not a dumb blonde; you're a smart, accomplished woman.' I thought she might be buying this grotesque characterization from her Neanderthal husband and making it the feature of her personality. The evidence was to the contrary. She was a successful model, still kept herself in great shape, and was raising her children practically single handedly while husband Josh devoted himself to business. Now I'm not so sure," Avicious questions.
Aviva accuses Kristen of going against her to fit in with the cool girls.
"The Real Housewives of New York City is not unlike high school. At the beginning of the season you had the returning 'mean girls' — ringleader Carole, Heather (there is always a 'Heather' in the 'mean girls'), and occasional cameos from LuAnn slithering onto the scene. They flex their nasty muscles by aggressively preying on the outliers Ramona,Sonja, and me. They pounced on Kristen from the first day of class and recruited her for their clique. A pack of rabid Scientologists couldn’t have done it better." Right – RAMONA SINGER is a victim. HAHAHAHAHA! Of what? Her own stupidity?
Avicious continues, "Kristen's pretty head was turned by the flattery and the sense of belonging to the cool girls. Funny thing is, I don't blame her. It's seductive getting all that attention from the self-appointed smart set. Kristen took to it all too well. Her bonding with Carole and Heather led inevitably to her attacking Sonja and Ramona and Aviva." Yes, oh yes, Ramona was being attacked. Poor, poor innocent Ramona. That poor lamb.
"My first experience was in what I like to call STFUgate," Aviva recalls. Enough with the "gates" – let's get more original. "Kristen had called for a playdate for our kids at a pottery painting shop. We'd barely put their little hands to work scribbling on mugs when Kristen laced into me for. . . I can't even remember now. I felt I'd been led into a trap so Kristen would have the opportunity to show her aggressive mean girl side to her sponsors and our viewers. STFU, I explained to her (out of earshot of our budding artists). In response, I got the famous Kristen wide-eyed, gaping mouth look (like Edvard Munch’s 'The Scream,' but pretty!)." This is insane. Really and truly insane. I need therapy just from reading this.
Now Aviva recaps her perception of this week's episode. Is she in an asylum while writing this – she needs to be. "In this episode, it's Asthmagate. I'd been looking forward to the trip to Montana. I thought of it as my confident coming out party after last season's St. Barth's debacle. I was going to dance on the tables with Ramona, leer at cowboys in chaps with Sonja, and maybe even make up and talk books with Carole (OK, I know, I went too far there). Unfortunately, my asthma flared up and my doctors insisted I not go on the trip," Aviva insists.
"Up until the last minute, I was hoping to be well enough, and I alerted Kristen to what was going on. Kristen flipped. She demanded I get a doctor's letter. I thought, 'What, are we 12? Is this junior high?' and then I remembered, 'Oh yeah, we are/it is.' In the interest of appeasing the shocked and awed Kristen, I produced the letter, " Aviva explains.
"I thought Kristen would be impressed that my note wasn't scrawled on a napkin saying something like, 'Please excuse Aviva because I’m sick.' It was from an actual board-certified doctor. Printed on real stationary. And signed. It may have helped that my primary care physician is something of a 'Doctor to the Stars,' with such notable patients as Andy Cohen." No one was impressed, everyone thinks you're even more deranged.
Avicious is affronted that Kristen would accuse her of lying (something Aviva never does) and then runs downs all the accusations Kristen made towards her, such as stating that Aviva probably did not want to travel with out Reid.
But [the note] it wasn't good enough for Dr. Kristen whose knee jerk reaction to any piece of news she doesn't want to hear is 'you're lying,'" Aviva continues to whine.
"Kristen: "I don't understand how this could have just come on!"
Well, Dr. Kristen, that's how things somehow work in real life. Say, God forbid, someone has a massive heart attack and dies on the spot, would Kristen stand over the body, eyes blazing and say, 'Oh really! Sure, I suppose this just came on. You don't really expect me to believe that!'
"Or was it 'Aviva can't stay away from her husband.' Or 'Aviva can't stand to be in the country because that's where she lost her leg.' Or 'Aviva can't find a cowboy boot that fits over her fake foot.' Or, Carole's old refrain, 'Aviva's just weird. Weird. Weird, weird, weird.' Carole: you're a writer, use your words. Among civilized people when an illness prevents someone from keeping an engagement you get, 'Oh, I'm so sorry; I hope you feel better soon.' In Housewifeland, you get, 'You're lying and by the way I hope you die from it.'
You know what Aviva, if you behave in a civilized manner you may be treated in kind, but if you act like a vicious lunatic you might be treated to a rabies shot. Frankly if no one likes you – and Ramona pretending to be nice because Sonja wants to 'do the Dubin' with Harry doesn't count – the reason is probably you.
Also, Aviva claims someone else reserved the wheelchair and put her name on it as a cruel practical joke. So even the producers don't like her. This is bad.
TELL US – DOES AVIVA NEED A PSYCHIATRIST OR DOES SHE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SO ANGRY WITH KRISTEN?