On last night’s Game of Crowns, we take a week off from pageants to revisit some old drama: matching jumpsuits, death threats, and Lynne. And introduce some new drama: vow renewals, peace pipes, and Lynne.
We pick up backstage at the Mrs. New England States pageant where a freshly crowned Vanassa Sebastian marches off to drag her husband Brian into the fray with Susanna Paliotta’s stylist, Anthony. Reminder: Anthony sold Vanassa and Susanna the awful matching jumpsuits that caused a ruckus oh, I don’t know, a million years ago. The pageant director reminds Vanassa that she has a crown on her head, so she should STFU, but that ain’t gonna happen. Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria gets involved and Susanna is a proud mommy. Meanwhile in another corner, Nick confronts Lynne Diamante about her accusation that he threatened to kill her. Lynne promptly ignores him and slithers away. Everyone parts ways after giving up/being asked to leave by official parties.
At lunch the next day, Vanassa and Shelley Carbone bond over salt-and-butter-free seafood platters. Barf. Shelley proposes a girls’ trip to Newport, RI, to help the ladies bond after the hot mess that is their group. Vanassa doesn’t want to deal with Lynne Diamante, who is even higher on her crap list now that she’s heard about Lynne planning her vow renewal on Vanassa’s charity walk day. Her voice saying these words is the sound of already-petty drama entering such a low pressure stratosphere that only dogs can hear it and rats can smell it. Shelley is supposed to read a poem at Lynne’s wedding too. More on that later!
Over at the gym, Susanna joins Lynne and Lori-Ann Marchese for a workout. Susanna brags again about eating whatever she wants, never working out, and looking great anyway. Susanna is not drumming up a huge fan base with this line of talk. The trainer looks like he’d rather learn a wind instrument than train this group and immediately tells them to sprint…away from his line of sight. Post-workout, Lynne invites the ladies to her vow renewal and admits that Vanassa will not be receiving an invitation to the blessed event. They all discuss the backstage antics Vanassa was a part of and Lori-Ann has the best comment of the show: “All’s I saw was an older woman with a crown on her head yelling.” Hey, Bravo! Can this be the show’s new name? It’s catchy, no? Lori-Ann has no time for Vanassa, her old-ass advice, or her gently used Native American costumes.
On the shores of some CT lake, Vanassa and Lynne sit down in the gutter on a curb to revisit Lynne’s “throwing everyone under the bus” by telling Leha Guilmette all of the insults the ladies hurled at her before the Mrs. America pageant. Lynne does what Lynne does best: deflects and lies. Lynne then starts accusing Vanassa of making up with Leha too quickly by “smoking her peace pipe off into the sunset” (I can’t even go into the mixed metaphors that Lynne is mangling right now). Vanassa takes this peace pipe comment as a slur against her Native American heritage while Lynne claims to be a victim who’s left out all of the time. Vanassa brings up the lies Lynne is spreading about Nick’s alleged death threats while Lynne spouts off about her lawyers getting involved (what!?) and marches off. Vanassa wipes some blue fairy dust off the curb before going home to redouble her efforts to RULE!
Over at Shelley’s Newport vacation home, she gets ready for the den of vipers to gather ladies to arrive for their bonding trip. As the group assembles, we see that Shelley is the only one dressed appropriately for the boat ride they’re all taking later that day. Between the stripper shoes, bedazzled necklines, and 40 pieces of luggage per person, the rest of them look like they’ve been schooled by Thurston Howell the Third on what to pack/wear for a 3-hour-tour.
The ladies all stand around awkwardly avoiding eye contact with each other for awhile. Let’s get them on this boat already, shall we? OK, finally the ladies board the boat while Lynne wonders if the collagen in Vanassa’s lips will keep her afloat if she is pushed overboard. Newport is beautiful and one of my favorite places in the world, so I’m trying not to let anything that happens aboard this boat henceforth sully my view of the landscape.
Lynne and Susanna share the good (???) news that they’ll be state delegates for Mrs. Massachusetts, U.S., and Mrs. RI, U.S., respectively, in 8 months. I have zero idea what this means, but Vanassa looks like she wants to slap someone upon hearing this news. Vanassa interviews that Lynne has again “mailed in another crown,” so Lynne’s history of buying her titles is mixed up in this affair, apparently.
Over on the other side of the boat, Leha gets a call from Nick telling her that Lynne hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on him, Leha, and their entire family. Leha quietly seethes, then confesses the situation to Vanassa while Lynne stupidly sits around wondering why Leha has such bad etiquette in not congratulating her & Susanna on their news. The ladies are divided into teams of 3 on opposite sides of the watercraft: Susanna, Lynne, and Lori-Ann on one side. Leha, Vanassa, and Shelley on the other. Shelley reflects on just how abysmally her plan of reuniting the women on this trip has gone. Vanassa also gets seasick and threatens to jump. Good times.
After the boat ride, Leha bounces STAT. She hadn’t even packed a bag to stay, the ladies notice, and she would have left whether or not Nick had made that call. Inside Shelley’s house, Lori-Ann makes the huge mistake of calling everyone out on their awkwardness and demanding that they get all of their beefs out on the table. Ok, I’m strapped in. Let’s go! Vanassa points out what a lying, manipulative piece of poo Lynne is while Lynne (who looks like a wet, spray-painted dog post-boat ride) acts all victimy and droopy. In a weird split-second turn of events, Lori-Ann jumps into the conversation only to be shut down by Vanassa. But Vanassa has now poked the bear and Lori-Ann gets hardcore finger-in-face-pointy right back at her. Lori-Ann is the toughest broad here by a long shot and I can only pray that she puts one of these women – preferably Lynne or Vanassa – in a legitimate choke hold by the end of the season. Oh gawd. Here comes the resuscitation of Lynne’s “peace pipe” comment again. Let it die! Shelley decides to over-serve giant shots of alcohol to all of the women and pleads with them to work it out. Lynne gets busy getting “totally wrecked” and absurdly engages in traded apologies with Vanassa about “losing their heads” earlier. #drunkgirlapologies #sorrynotsorry
The next morning, a mildly hungover Lynne recalls her drunken apology to Vanassa with regret. Lynne, Susanna and Lori-Ann start packing up their gowns, headpieces, heirloom chandeliers, and feather boas into their 65 pieces of luggage while Vanassa and Shelley kibitz in the next room. Ah! The walls are not so thick at Shelley’s vacation home because the threesome hears Vanassa complain to Shelley that Lynne’s vow renewal was rudely planned on the SAME DAY as her breast cancer awareness charity event. How.could.she. Vanassa tells Shelley she must, like Sophie, make a choice. Shelley chooses Vanassa and confesses to Lynne that she cannot attend, nor read poetry, at Lynne’s fifteenth wedding. Lynne reacts with the maturity of a pre-pubescent tween, claiming that Vanassa is trying to break up her wedding, yo! It’s a massive curveball that changes Lynne’s whole wedding ceremony, including the release of the kraken butterflies. Lynne tries to blame the dissolution of her wedding, her marriage, her father’s death (anything else I missed?) on Shelley, but Shelley is not having it. Going straight into the ugly cry, Lynne turns to Lori-Ann and Susanna for support while Shelley literally walks out of HER OWN HOUSE to get away from the drama.
On next week’s GOC, we’re transported to Lynne’s actual fifteenth wedding where gargoyles, butterflies, and Lynne’s hair come together in a celebration for the ages.
TELL US – WHICH EVENT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? VOW RENEWAL OR CHARITY?
Recap Author: Erin M.
Photo Credit: Twitter