Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!”
We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!
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As everyone suppressed their laughter, Sonja blathered on about her intern Ice Cream Sandwich being stranded in Europe to deal with the wild boars that had taken over her French property. But don’t worry – Raspberry Smuckers will be back and she’s also been hard at work on Sonja’s newest business: Day of The Week panties!
Tyler, poor Tyler, Sonja’s “superstar” intern is backstage using Superglue and safety pins to repair a “Victory Lap” garment Sonja procured 3000 years ago whilst in Budapest when she was dating The Duke of Von SuchAQuack. This dress: it was crafted from the hair of virgin maidens who soaked their locks in the dead sea for 20 minutes per day before eating only a diet of Turkish coffee and star fruit. It was hand tye-dyed with Majorcan shark stones and Aubergine calla lilies then adorned with albino owl feathers. Anyway, it’s rare and Sonja’s irradiated lost shepherd pekinese shaman with one eye who doubles as stylist and is a preeminent member of Team Sonja told her so.
With all that said, let’s rehash [hashtag]bookgate. Equally delusional and nonsensical.
Avicious still thinks she was justified in besmirching
fabricating a lie about Carole Radziwill‘s career because some people on the street (I betcha they were working for Team Sonja and receive The Visions from the otherworld) to her so. Even the other Housewives have heard it (no one agrees with her). Aviva continues to insist, she herself, did not use a ghostwriter, but Harper Lee did.
Yes, Harper Lee of To Kill A Mockingbird – see, she never wrote that either. She had a team. A village! And Truman Capote – who did all the hard writery stuff. Aviva claims all writers have this team of help doing all the writing. Except for her – she’s a brilliant emailer who wrote her life story in Outlook and relied heavily on the thesaurus to fine-tune things. Methinks Aviva does not understand the difference between an “editor” and a ghostwriter. But it doesn’t matter because Carole isn’t really an important writer, not like that Harper Lee who also didn’t write her own books!
Carole calls Avicious “weird” because well she is. She’s beyond weird. This incites Aviva’s wrath and she demands Carole “use her words, Writergirl!” because real writers have good vocabulary but Carole doesn’t so she’s not a “real” writer. Apparently “weird” is not scathing enough an insult for Avicious. How about obstreperous intransigent insane imbecilic psychopath? Maybe Carole can’t use her words, because Heather stole them all? Heather basically won’t let Carole speak!
Aviva also claims Carole is the one who kept bringing up bookgate and that is what made her believe Carole did use a ghostwriter. That and the
voices in her leg words on the street. Even Ramona Singer is like sometimes when you hear something really rude, don’t repeat it all over the place as if it is the gospel of truth. When Ramona is calling your social decorum into question you have failed at life. Personally I think Aviva had a ghostwriter, but said ghostwriter won’t claim her. Or maybe the ghost of Aviva’s leg did all the writing?
Enough of this, let’s get back to Ramona, delusional times a zillion! Ramona justifies her insults about the Berkshires and Heather’s house as a misunderstanding because she thought all rich people just automatically preferred the Hamptons. It’s one of 5 illustrious US destinations: Palm Springs, NYC, Donner Bluff UT, Shenandoah Jct WV, Beverly Hills and The Hamptons. Apparently Ramona is now an ‘rich people real estate’ expert. She and Sonja can start a company on Delusional Life Style Expertise.
LuAnn de Lesseps laughs – she’d rather stay in Heather’s cozy converted pool house than ramble around Ramona’s Hamptons mansion with the ghosts of a happy marriage past and a million unsaid things, no staff, and that one room that is quarantined as an STD crime scene where Mario was caught shacking up ALLEGEDLY with the mistress. Said mistress Ramona was not fleeing the Berkshires to catch in the act.
Speaking of which Andy quizzes Ramona about her marriage and she flips the eff out and gets her Depends in a wad; claiming she does not have to talk about that because well, she doesn’t want to! Ramona wants to conveniently forget how reality TV works…
LuAnn, however, has not forgotten the times Ramona laughed about The Count cheating on her, gossiped about it endlessly, was heartless, didn’t care about how it affected Lu’s still minor children, and essentially blamed LuAnn for her marriage failing. Ramona equally insensitively lashed out at Heather’s husband calling him boring and spineless. She’s horrible!
Ramona wants sympathy and discretion from others – a courtesy she refused to extend. Well as Lu put it, “karma’s a bitch!” and Ramona deserved every bit of that lashing. Ramona reacted by screeching “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” over and over. How many people file for divorce over “allegations”? True Faith! But yeah, her marriage is fine. Per-fect as a poop filled Depends on a reunion sofa.
In other divorces, LuAnn and Sonja are dunzo. LuAnn is hurt by Sonja’s flippancy. Sonja does love Lu but she’s too busy running a transnational corporation with Bill Gates to return phone call. Except if it’s Ramona calling with free wine! Turtle Time. #Pinot4Lyfe
LuAnn shares that Sonja was the only one who did not retweet her dress line promotion – even Ramona did! – Sonja claims it’s not her fault. There’s a homeless girl in Ireland running her twitter and the lack of reliable WiFi when you’re homeless… well it just didn’t work out, but Sonja is saving her life one tweet at a time! The entire stage burst out laughing.
Sonja still tries to insist LuAnn wants Harry and left with him the night of Carole’s birthday party. Did her homeless Irish tweeter tell her that. She heard it from the international word on the street. Everyone defends LuAnn emphatically and Aviva acted like a real human for a second when she said that Harry and Sonja make each other happy and she hopes they work out.
Finally Kristen Taekman‘s marriage is tackled. Kristen shares the show illuminated things they need to work on as a couple and has been therapeutic for them. Josh is embarrassed by the way he spoke to her in some scenes. #StillADouche! The one thing all the ladies can be supportive over and agree on is that marriage is difficult and all couples fight. Well, except Avicious! She and Reid never fight. Nope! They’re perfect.
Reid is mute and lives in fear. Well isn’t that nice – even the insane deserve happiness.
Heather believes Kristen was transferring her issues for Josh onto Heather in Montana when they had the fight, but they are still close friends, which is nice.
Also, LuAnn is dating again! Holla.
And in summation… THIS:
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH RAMONA? WHO IS THE CRAZIEST: RAMONA, SONJA, OR AVIVA?