Last night on Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Rino pooped a lot and everyone else pooped out on the Florida trip. I guess they had good reasons – I mean, Teresa Giudice was reeling from pleading guilty and Amber Marchese got some worrying news about The Cancer.
Then Teresa and Gia have a heart-to-heart about Teresa’s life. Poor Gia – always the counselor, never the child. Teresa needs to remember Gia isn’t her peer. After Gia gets dropped off (I hope Teresa dropped her off at school and not at the Fashion Design business where she used to work (#DontTellMomTheBabySittersDead. #InsideJoke #GetIt #90s). And then Teresa tells Audriana, aged 4, how nice and amazing and smart, and a good listener her mom Gia is. Teresa is so glad they’re friends!
Since Amber has had The Cancer she’s become The Religious, and now considers herself the Mother Teresa in drag makeup of RHONJ. She and Jim go to church on Ash Wednesday and all of the sudden she receives The Vision and has to run outside to call Teresa. Right. Now. to check in on her. Teresa is in the gym and doesn’t want to tawk. She certainly doesn’t want to tawk about her legal issues but Amber’s questions are more probing than Rino’s prostate exam (see below!).
Teresa is trying to hustle Amber off the phone but there is Amber rambling on and on and on and on, wanting every detail, and finally she tells Teresa if she doesn’t want to talk about it, to let her know. Seriously – Teresa needed to ‘Pull A Teresa’ – not this reformed I wanna be good on TV Teresa – and tell Amber to shut it by flipping a table, a phone, or a church pew on her ass. I mean Teresa isn’t even honest about her life with her ‘friends’ let alone some crazy lady who joined RHONJ to stalk Melissa Gorga!
My favorite picture of Teresa like EVER. Teresa as SheHulk.
Teresa explains that in life she has “learned boundaries and she has learned when to stop.” Too little, too late unfortunately! Hopefully Amber can figure it out in time too.
And speaking of Melissa, she and Joe are pretend building their new huge impeccable masterpiece of a house. Fantasies are so fun.
Amber goes to visit her oncologist and after blood work, receives some inconclusive news after 5 years of clean tests. She’s devastated – understandably – because this could mean The Cancer is back. A clean scan would mean almost certainly a long, cancer-free life, whereas the other result could mean the cancer will return. With all the upheaval Amber tells Jim and Nicole Napolitano she cannot go on the Florida trip.
Rino is getting a “prostrate” exam – that’s prostrate, not prostate according to Teresssssssssssa Aprea! Diction, semantics – things that don’t matter on RHONJ! Describing his exam as “finger lickin’ good” Rino demonstrates the health of his Little Rino by dancing around in a bikini bottom. Lord I love the blur-a-vision. While Rino passed his finger exam, he still has to do a colonoscopy. Which means perfect time for a dinner party!
Teresssssssa invites Dina Manzo, Nicole and their mom Santa, over for dinner cooked by Rino. Who can’t eat. Then she whips him up a colonoscopy martini and sends him into the bathroom to “poop! poop! poop!” while she and her friends chow down! Two things that do not go together.
Over dinner Dina discusses Amber’s obsession with Teresa’s legal problems. Dina thinks Amber is a gossip vulture and tragedy hijacker, who doesn’t really care about Teresa’s well-being. The twins nod and smile wide-eyed as if they would never gossip, oh no – not those classy twins! Dina is pissed about people who invade Tersa’s privacy, because think of her “four beautiful daughters.” Dina makes it very clear she will not be revealing any details about Teresa’s personal life. Dina is a good friend.
The next day, Rino gets his colon probed. During Rino’s procedure, Teressssssa is in the colonoscopy office waiting room, being a “calming force” fueled by Dunkin’ Donuts cawfeeeeeee, for Rino. Nicole calls to share that Amber’s bloodwork has been inconclusive and she’s canceling on Florida. Teresssssssa’s reaction: she didn’t have a f–k to give. Nice. Real good friend. Rino’s colon turns out to be beautiful, but eh – he’s still an ass!
And Dina has her own tragedy: her assistant Luke, her
other non-sexual hubby, the man she depends on for emotional support, commitment, loyalty, dog poop removal, and outfit coordination is leaving her because he wants to meet a man of her own. Even worse, who will corral Milania at the Project Ladybug Fashion Show?! Poor Dina is going to have to rescue another assistant. She should contact Sonja T. Morgan of the Have A Heart Intern Adoption Society For Irrational Dress And Immodest Behavior.
With all the drama happening in their lives, Dina and Teresa get together for Fabellini and scrapbooking. Well, to be precise: Teresa wanted Dina to scrapbook for her. Teresa shares with Dina that she cannot leave her “four beautiful daughters” to go to Florida, and frankly her head just isn’t in the right space for the trip right now. Dina is sad but understands. It’s so weird seeing real friends on reality TV.
Then for posterity and honesty’s sake (seriously – Teresa, the gig is up, don’t pretend honesty now!), Teresa fills Dina in on what Victoria Gotti told her and Amber about Rino and Santa. Dina does not believe it for a second, given that she has seen Santa, Rino and Teressssssa together. Teresa isn’t gonna call Victoria a liar – she’s got enough problems! – so she isn’t sure what to believe. Teresa says she’s only telling Dina about this, not to gossip, not to get Amber back for prying, but just in case Amber tries to lie or create drama over what Victoria said, now Dina knows the truth from an honest, reliable source. Oh RHONJ – you do irony like no other!
Well, Dina, handle information Teresa entrusted in you very carefully. You hold all the drama cards now… Florida here we come!
TELL US – IS AMBER TOO NOSY? SHOULD TERESA HAVE TOLD DINA WHAT VICTORIA SAID?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]