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Ariana Madix usually doesn’t let the nonsense of Vanderpump Rules phase her too much. As the general port of calm in the storm, she refrains from mixing herself up in the drama of insane asylum inmates populating Lisa Vanderpump‘s restaurant. 

But last week’s episode? That was the episode that made Ariana snap. Apparently it had to do with birthdays, Jax Taylor‘s lies, and Stassi Schroeder acting like they’re all nobodies to her elevated status of fully actualized adult human being. 

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Ariana reveals that she too has a birthday on the very same day as Stassi, but while we all got to see footage of Stassi deriding every single person at SUR while eating a tack-o-rific birthday cake, Ariana, Tom 1 and her family were at Disneyland. Furthermore as Kristen Doute laughed about the idea of exposing Tom 1 and Ariana’s relationship as a “sham”, Tom was planning surprise parties for the girl he loves. Kristen just stabbed pins in her Ariana voodoo doll extra hard – why isn’t it working?! She paid $19.99 for it on Etsy! 

“This may sound somewhat odd, but this episode got me extremely heated,” Ariana begins. “You know who else has a birthday on June 24th? That would be me. You know who had an epic birthday this year? Again, that would be me. Tom conspired with my mom, my brother, and Scheana’s family to organize a surprise visit from them for my birthday. I don’t know if I have felt more surprised, loved, and grateful in my life than in that moment.” 

“All of this was such a wonderful time filled with joy and laughter, and what did we experience instead? Stassi taking more heaping diarrhea dumps on people she deems lower than herself based on the weakest and most irrelevant set of criteria I have laid eyes on,” Ariana seethes. “I can’t be the only person who is so utterly tired of seeing and hearing the same tawdry garbage over and over. I might not have a ton of petty conflict in my life, but I would personally prefer it that way. I’ll go out on a limb here and say there has to be a large number of people who agree with me.” 

Of course Ariana isn’t only disgusted with Stassi – she also has some choice words for Jax’s skeeve. “I’m glad that everyone is getting to see what a trip with Jax can be like. The partying, the lying, the backtracks on lies, and the deflective coverups. This is the second time I have heard Jax try to ‘relate’ his situation to some other situation in Tom’s life, and I am so glad Tom doesn’t ever let him get away with that stratagem.”

Tom gives zero f—s and our relationship is built on solid ground. It is Jax who should be mindful that his lies can and will solidify any lingering mistrust Tom has for him and their ever strained friendship. Jax has not one shred of incriminating information about Tom and we all know he will definitely try and lie about that too, if he has to,” Ariana reminds us. “Nobody takes it seriously, as 99.9 percent of human beings know better than that.” Well one person does… that person is KRISTEN! Kritter’s Revenge Plot continues… 

Ariana is also shocked Scheana would allow herself to be baited by a “red-herring” upon hearing the story that Jax cheated. 

“I’m glad Scheana invited Katie to Miami, because I would absolutely love for the three of us to be able to be friends,” Ariana continues. “I also really wanted Katie to come because I love hanging out with her.” 

While I’ve long been wondering how Ariana can stay friends with Scheana with all her two-faced BS, Ariana praises Scheana for trying to include everyone in her Miami trip – even people no one likes. “Scheana went out of her way to invite Stassi, and that girl did not deserve her kindness nor the effort it took,” Ariana complains. “I do not understand Stassi’s appeal or how anyone takes her seriously. She has to resort to insults about Scheana’s outfit or her appearance because she has nothing of any substance to say. All the while, she has been dressing like a grandma wrapped in bedsheets for weeks now.”

“Nobody wants to hang out with Jax or Kristen on this trip, but there are roughly 15 other people going, so I don’t see how those two are such a problem when Stassi’s best friend is one of those who will be there. All I see is petty nonsense and poor judgement.” 

Ariana does not comment on Kristen’s desperate ploy that Jax will somehow convince people Tom 1 cheated on her and validate her internet stalking. Good for you Ariana, because Kristen is hoping upon hoping you will give her some validation. 

Tonight everyone heads to Miami to celebrate Scheana and Shay’s joint Bachelorette/Bachelor parties. Jax attempts to hookup with Vail as Tom 1 confronts him on cheating, lying, and being scum, prompting Jax to make threats against Tom’s relationship. Meanwhile one of the managers at PUMP abruptly quits and Lisa hires Pandora for the job. 

Reality Tea will be live-tweeting so make sure to join us! 

TELL US – IS ARIANA RIGHT ABOUT STASSI AND JAX? SHOULD SHE STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH SCHEANA?

[Photo Credit: Guillermo Proano/WENN.com]

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