RHONY recap: Kristen vs. Bethenny

I still don’t know what the hell happened on Real Housewives Of New York!  One minute Bethenny Frankel was crying, the next she was hugging, the next she was building flimsy walls, the next she was eviscerating, the next she was arguing, the next she was conducting a high-powered business summit, the next she was running away, then she was apologizing. Dare I say – with all her emotional turmoil – she was acting like Kelly from Scary Island. I feel like everyone needs an instruction manual for how to operate Bethenny. 

Back in the Berkshires at Dorinda Medley‘s birthday dinner, Bethenny is having a sobbing meltdown because Heather Thomson tried to smother her with a meatball like some sort of depraved Upper East Side momogul version of Aqua-Teen Hunger Force. Get the memo, Heather: Bethenny doesn’t eat! Bethenny is allergic to fish – and, also Xanax!

Then Bethenny is running around to Heather’s side of the table, eyes shining with tears (or maybe it was Skinnygirl Sparklers; who knows) hugging Heather and apologizing for the walls she’s has because everyone is trying to put her in a Skinnygirl box. “I’m over myself!” Bethenny snaps. “I just don’t want attention!” Except for the times I’ve talked to the media and put myself on reality shows! 

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Heather, realizing she has entered the Skinnygirl Psych-ward and left her YummieTummie straightjacket sanity cincher at home, smiles, nods, and promises to let Bethenny come to her – when she’s ready. Heather collapses into her chair and is like what the f–k just happened there? Luann de Lesseps, reeling from inappropriate emotional displays around the dinner table (Chapter 4 of Class With The Countess Vol. 8), is baffled. Bethenny barks, “Don’t be like ‘Wow!’ I’m sitting right here – I can hear you!” Bethenny – if you’re gonna act like a walking freak show with a Skinnygirl label slapped onto it, expect people to talk. 

Then Luann hops up to make a toast about how she and Dorinda had a magnetic attraction to each other, and she’s trying to find space in her cluttered, yet artfully cultivated with class life, to accept John. Not to be outdone, Ramona Singer bursts in with a toast of her own. Then Bethenny – WHO SO DOESN’T WANT ATTENTION EVER YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE HER ALONE TO CRY IN HER SKINNYGIRL MARGARITA IN PEACE! – makes a toast about Sonja Morgan being the sanest person in the room. Sonja is busy deboning her fish, and Bethenny’s, followed by a main course boning the chef. 

Bethenny gets counseled by Ramona & Sonja

And dinner is complete. The ladies scatter. Heather with Kristen Taekman into the drawing room, where Dorinda, in Pucci, bends over from every angle imaginable trying to light a fire – which completely distracted me from their  conversation.  Bethenny remains in the dining room with Team Crazonja: Turtle Time Has No Expiration Date: Ramona and Sonja, and recounts the whole episode as being Heather’s fault. Heather was prodding Bethenny and is too damn nosy, but I don’t think she was being insincere.

Avery counsels Ramona on divorce

Back in NYC, Avery is home for winter break and Ramona is so relieved mom has come home. While playing Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead was fun and all, fake-running a wine line and a fashion collection is like hard work. Ramona would so much rather chase the boys. Avery is a marvelous marvel to me; she is so mature, eloquent, and wise. Ramona asks Avery’s advice regarding Mario, who is trying to pursue her again. Avery tells Ramona to follow her heart. Then Ramona tries to steal Avery’s clothes because apparently there is a thing known as “Ramona Blue” and that is Ramona’s color. I thought Ramona’s color was Pinot Yellow? My bad.

On the other side of town Bethenny hosts a Skinnygirl business summit which consists of a Walmart-sized room filled of company execs. Frankly, Frankel, you haven’t done too shabby for yourself. 😉 Bethenny invited Sonja along to observe how a real business works – one that produces actual products and doesn’t consist of 63 interns pretending to have NBAs and NRAs in Multi-Culturural Constitutional Lifestyle Luxuriation Fashionizing Machinics.  Sonja wore a sequined business suit and stashed 3 little wee thumbkin interns in her purse to take notes and stir her cawfee while she asked poignant questions. Everything was going swimmingly until Bethenny noticed the Skinnygirl coffee creamer was not being used. 

In businesses that are not quite Skinnygirl, but are lightyears ahead of Team Sonja, Kristen started a nail polish collection called “Pop Of Color” (™ questionable.). For some odd reason she invites Carole Radziwill to her business meeting because Carole is a writer and therefore knows a lot about business and nails. Kristen wants Carole’s help in naming the various colors. Might I suggest: Ramona Blue or Skinnygirl Red – ™ that shit girl! Holla for revenue when their asses have to pay you royalties! 

Kristen launches a nail polish collection

Of course Carole’s premise is “Sex Sells” and she suggests such names as “Thrust.”  Is she creating this collection for Sonja or Kristen? Kristen is proud of herself because Josh bought her a business and now, like Bethenny, she is starting small hoping to grow big. She reminds us Bethenny started out with muffins. That she did! And now she sells muffins again. 

Was Kristen wearing an outfit made out of a roll of paper towels for that meeting? It was very absorbent looking. 

Then Bethenny goes for martinis with Dorinda, Ramona, and Carole. Ramona is disappointed to see it’s an actual restaurant not B-ewww-tique, swarming with men. Thankfully she did not plonk a bottle of Ramona Pinot on the table – instead she ordered a martini that is dirty or semi dirty or shaken or sloshed or stabbed. Ramona, being messy as hell, instantly brings up to Bethenny what a bitch Heather was in the Berkshires. Bethenny and Ramona complain that Heather is a busy-body, know-it-all who doesn’t respect boundaries and is intimidated that she can’t control them.

A very raunchy dinner

Dorinda arrives, followed by Carole who defends Heather has having a good heart and is just trying to get to know Bethenny. Bethenny and Ramona don’t buy it. Then Carole reveals that, while drunk Sonja, always tries to have sex with her. Sonja – equal opportunity beer goggles, y’all! Lesbianism is hotly discussed but Ramona cannot take it: Ramona likes her girl talk messy, not dirty. Get it straight ladies!

After all of this we are subjected to a party for Ramona’s sports bar AOA. Bethenny arrives first and is escorted into the red carpet area, which Ramona’s friend explains is to keep out the people that aren’t like them. Bethenny decides that means everyone who hasn’t had “vaginaplasty in the last week.” Are people other than Brandi Glanville doing that? Did Bethenny mean pinotplasty – as in plastered on pinot, and the red carpet is to keep them in?

Then Kristen shows up, toting Josh. Josh and those hats… Dude – get the spray-on hair already, or snag an endorsement with Rogain, or Hair Club For Men! Anyway, Kristen finds herself iced out of Bethenny and Ramona’s convo – which ironically is about how Heather is disingenuous.

Since the theme of this party is apparently a Piñata of Bethenny, the ladies are lining up to take a whack. (Except I think everyone has had their fill of the Skinnygirl treats inside). 

Luann and Bethenny are at odds over the definition of friendship

Luann comes over to inquire if Bethenny is OK, given her strange emotional meltdown at Dorinda’s and Bethenny explodes on Luann for getting involved. Luann doesn’t back-down because the Countess will not be discounted! She immediately sets Bethenny straight that she is being a friend – and friends worry about the emotional state of their friends. Luann also defends Heather as trying to be nice, but Bethenny rants about how Heather is trying to impregnate her or be  in her uterus or breastfeed her with a YummieTummie nursing bra instead of a Skinnygirl one. Luann is like Ramona’s having another menopausal pseudocyesis (false pregnancy) as a result of keeping the company of too many men?! 

In the middle of it all Ramona keeps interjecting to shove chicken skewers in their faces – which is not as violent as it sounds. 

Bethenny wonders if Luann also confronted Heather and BOOM! Luann is like “Yes, I did.” Bethenny relents – they sit down to have a drink and Bethenny decides to talk to Heather again. It was the perfect dose of drama – a little spat of bitchery – followed by a drink and a chat (and chicken). I love this stuff. 

Of course, across the bar, Carole is stirring a giant cocktail of trouble. She regales Kristen with this little tale of the time Bethenny said she was dumb. Something to do with Pop Of Color trademarks – and for some odd reason Carole felt it was appropriate to betray both Bethenny’s confidences and hurt Kristen? At a party for Ramona

As Bethenny is leaving Luann (and chicken) to go talk to Heather, Kristen intrudes. She initially tried to interject while Bethenny and Lu were bickering, but Lu effectively swatted her away. Kristen is a persistent little bug, and returns; chasing Bethenny into a corner of the bar to tell her that her company is like important and she wished Bethenny would be supportive instead of calling her stupid.

Kristen and Bethenny have a disconnect

Kristen asks Bethenny why she Googled her company to investigate the trademark instead of asking? Kristen should name one of her colors: “Google My Company.” (“Or Trademark This, Bitch!”). In response, Bethenny stands up and walks away because Little Miss Pretty is attacking her and Bethenny is too busy being a momogul to deal with wannabes. “So much for new friends,” Kristen pouts.

Kristen’s mouth hangs open, as it often does – her face might as well freeze that way at this point – and she is shocked at being so rudely dismissed. Carole snickers to Luann that she never imagined Kristen would immediately confront Bethenny. What is Carole’s deal acting ‘Ramona messy’?! 

Heather and Bethenny once again try to get along

After escaping the Medusa-like tangles of Kristen’s POC talons, Bethenny corners Heather to lie about how she likes her and didn’t mean to brush her off, she’s just is going through too much: she’s aggressive and assertive and absolutely insane (and homeless!), but don’t give up on her! Heather smiles and nods, promising to give Bethenny space. Then they hug, awkwardly, again. It is all together weird. 

You know, I can see both sides of the Heather/Bethenny thing, plus the Bethenny/Kristen argument. Bethenny is a major business success and a total inspiration to female entrepreneurs, and it’d be nice if she offered support to Kristen’s endeavor, but Bethenny seems to have an irrational dislike of Kristen without reason? On the other hand, why did Kristen confront Bethenny in this way? That was desperate and pathetic. I would have walked away too. 

TELL US – WHAT SAY YOU ABOUT BETHENNY VS. KRISTEN? WHAT ABOUT BETHENNY VS. HEATHER? IS CAROLE BEING MESSY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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