Real Housewives Of Orange County Reunion Part 1 Recap: Denial Is Your Savior

As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group. 

And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again. 

Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?

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Shannon Beador did another at-home colonic before the reunion. (Lisa Rinna needs start her own brand of pee pads to peddle on the Bravo Home Shopping Network.)

My favorite moment was Vicki telling the story of her mom Joanne, aged 80, revenge-keying a motorcycle, then hiding in the ladies room at TJ Maxx to avoid arrest. That was a woman who knew how to whoop it up in her soul! It was the type of fabulous story that reminds me of Fried Green Tomatoes, in that it shouldn’t make you feel good hearing that an old lady (who someone thought they could be rude to) brazenly broke the law, but dammit you feel all kinds of GETT’EM GOLDEN GIRL! proud that she hasn’t lost her spunk, sass, or pride.

Vicki’s mom was arrested and ended up paying $10,000 in damages related to the Harley, but it’s an awesome story – that makes me wonder how La Gunvalson turned out so disconnected from self-respect and hanging out with the likes of Brooks Ayers. 

Now – outfits. Meghan King Edmonds looks like a cheap extra from Dynasty and the new brunette locks are fried and frizzy, like a wig. Which makes her 80% more natural looking than Tamra or Vicki!

I loathe Shannon’s dress – appropriately, given this group, it seemed to be made of plastic since it didn’t move. Vicki’s look, it goes without saying, was atrocious! Put the multiple-times reconstructed boobies away! All these pseudo Jesus Jugs Extra-Extras (Crispies) need to stop with porny cleavage. I feel blasphemous for saying this, but I despised Heather Dubrow‘s dress – yes, I know it was Tom Ford. Yes, I know it cost more than the other women’s outfits combined, but also her eye makeup looked low budget and the dress was just – meh. Also, Tamra needs to stop dressing like the 25-year-old she wishes she was. That dress was ridiculous for a Jesus Warrior grandmother! 

Moving on, Meghan’s stepdaughter Hayley has graduated – thanks to Meghan being able undo 17-years of bad parenting. According to Meghan, Hayley loves her now. Then it’s time to talk about Meghan’s super stepmom-ness, which I file under #HashtagSODONOTCAREATALL! 

Meghan is offended by Vicki saying loving step kids is different than loving bio kids, which Vicki insists is HER opinion. True enough. Then Vicki reveals two of her sisters are adopted, and she THINKS her mom loved them all just same, but still it’s different. UH???

Again, I’m not sure why the point wasn’t made that it’s wonderful for Meghan to love her stepchildren, but it’s NOT OK for Meghan to trash their mothers, trash their mother’s parenting, or say that she feels her stepchildren should be HER children. But Meghan is MATURE! Meghan is 30! Meghan is Truth! And Justice! And headbands and puppy dog tails and third wife of a man fervently in love with her. HAHAHAHHA

Similarly Meghan fails to comprehend the distinction between Vicki gifting Briana with a car, and Meghan and Jim giving Hayley a car for acting like a spoiled brat. Tamra is the true expert on the result of rewarding sloth – Ryan – but nonetheless Vicki is the self-appointed expert on working, money-ing, and well anything Vicki decides she is the expert on.

Isn’t it interesting that BRIANA is younger than Meghan (and Ryan). In one regard Vicki hasn’t f–ked up – Michael and Briana are mature adults who behave age-appropriately. Unlike Meghan (Jim needs Parenting For Dummies) or Tamra’s first kid who is currently working through his issues with their Pasture. 

Then Vicki is confronted for complaining that Meghan doesn’t work and spends Jim’s money. Heather – of all people –  lectures Vicki against “making sweeping judgements”. Then Heather gets on her high horse about how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom; for instance while Vicki was escaping to an office Heather was at home with four-kids, knee-deep in feces.

HEATHER was knee-deep in feces? Or her nanny was while Heather stood nearby wearing custom-made, latex-free rubber gloves (color: champagne gold) spritzing a Chanel No. 5 air freshener to mask the smell while demanding the butler whisk away the dirty diaper to the trash compacter, as the maid deep-cleaned the nursery and immediately lit a Diptyque candle. Afterwards Heather quickly departed to the sauna to de-stress and rid herself of any lingering feces-tinged scent.  

As part of the assault on Vicki’s “sweeping judgements” she was lambasted for saying “Sushi Girl” (from Tamra’s Jesus Loves A Sex Tape Party) needed to get an education. Everyone was all offended that Vicki presumed this girl had no ambition – what if she was letting the likes of Jimmy Dad Jeans Edmonds and David Beador eat sushi off her tits to pay for graduate school?! It happens… on Lifetime Television For Women. 

There was this rather odd exchange when Andy – oh so shadily and conveniently – asks Heather about being friends with Jim’s second ex-wife, Allison, and Meghan. Heather, oddly, states that Jim and Allison didn’t break up “because of Meghan.” Meghan makes a VERY nervously incriminating face at Heather, who makes a very awkwardly incriminating face in response.

Hmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmmmmm – what transpired there ol’ Truth! and Justice!? We ALL know everything with Bravo has more layers than an orange, and that little seed was dropped intentionally. I think we found some fodder for next season. Which pairs perfectly with Meghan’s closing quote during the finale about how she always lives with honesty and truth. Something in the vodka ain’t an organic lime! 

Despite, Heather and Shannon tell an evil-eye distributing Meghan that making rude comments about Allison or her parenting is uncalled for, but the moment passes quickly. Too quickly.

Another moment that passes suspiciously too quickly – discussing Shannon and Meghan’s argument in Napa over the JDRF charity event.  You know the incident when Shannon, “Everything is private about me except my digestive tract and bowel movements” flipped out because Meghan had gotten her private phone number. The ladies believe Shannon had preconceived hatred towards Meghan over David’s flirting during Heather’s hoedown. 

Shannon starts to point out that Meghan’s argument seemed premeditated (it was), because it was bizarre that at the end of a nice weekend Meghan started ish, then made accusations about Shannon being “crazy” and “unhinged”, so she couldn’t trust her in her home at the fundraiser. Now where would Meghan get those ideas? Meghan claims her attitude was a result of what she “had observed,” but the matter was all too quickly dropped. 

Let’s just leave Shannon alone to restore her healthy gut and suck her sour lemons in peace. Oh, also she and Meghan are besties now because Meghan has forgiven Shannon for her “judgey eyes” and Shannon helped LeeAnn find a doctor. “I love Shannon,” soothes Meghan, shooting Shannon a look. 

Andy recaps Meghan’s first season as a “confident 30-year-old.” Are we confusing “confidence” with “stupid” here? I’d like to see proof of Meghan’s functioning brain with a PET-CT scan and IQ Test. Are Meghan’s headbands actually holding her brain in place?

Tamra brags about how similar she and Meghan are, because they both “speak the truth.” In the process of instructing Meghan that she shouldn’t be so overt in her truth-seeking (aka find a henchwoman to do all the front-line fighting for you, while you sit-back and pot stir from behind), Tamra explains, “When you give up and let it go, they will bury themselves. Like Gretchen! And Vicki!” Tamra has changed y’all – and if we don’t like it we can “suck it!”

Is there anyone who isn’t convinced that it was TAMRA who started Meghan (and Shannon) on this cancer crusade to take-down Vicki? 

Proof of this is when they all start bickering with Vicki about her status as OG of The OC, which Vicki says demands respect. Tamra takes issue with Vicki calling RHOC “my show”. Andy smirked, because deep in his soul he’s eternally “Team Vicki” (and Team Vicki & Tamra making up and breaking up every fricking season). But seriously,  I didn’t know OG of The OC was a position which commands respect. I mean, I might put that one step above “sushi girl”. 

Finally, Tamra reveals that she found Jesus after an extremely painful situation with her eldest daughter Sidney. Tamra shares, tearfully, that Sidney chose to live with Simon and wants no relationship with her, despite everything Tamra has done to get her help and reach out. Tamra blames Simon for “parental alienation” but reveals Spencer, their son, decided to live with her full-time. Now the family is “fractured.” 

Andy reads an email from Alexis Bellino on the subject of Tamra’s miraculous spiritual awakening. Alexis is not convinced. A highlight:  

“I cannot sit back and watch a mockery being made of my Savior. The best part of a walk with God is that he doesn’t need you to be perfect. However, that doesn’t give you a hallpass to become baptized and then continue your old unkind and manipulative ways. Someone’s faith is not for entertainment…” ~ Jesus Barbie

Regarding Alexis, Tamra snaps, “She’s the type of Christian that gives Christians a bad name.” Tamra needs not take any accountability for all the horrible things she did to and said about Alexis – that’s in the past; pre-baptism! Never happened! Ummmm… no – look in the mirror lace catsuit, because YOU are the type of Christians that gives Christians a bad name by claiming to act with Jesus while your two-faced manipulations are so apparent! 

Alexis is right – Tamra thinks Jesus is a ‘bandaid’ for her bad behavior and therefore she doesn’t have to do any work herself. We’re not distracted – Jesus is not a fancy diamond you can flash in someone’s face to make them forget you were throwing the most rocks (and still are throwing rocks behind their back). 

Tamra will pray for Alexis. AKA put a curse on her using a ruptured silicone implant, smeared with butter and refined sugar, tied with the wisps of hair from an old hag’s weave – an abandoned first wife of an old hag – imbued with the powers of Shannon’s impotence-generating crystals and Dr. Moon‘s potent exploding colonic, which will make Alexis grow old and saggy. All of this will be conducted in Shannon’s craft room, naturally. Then Tamra will take over Alexis’ body and become the young, hot Jesus Barbie of her Biblical dreams, instead of the old, wrinkly Jesus Jugs SENIOR in a Forever XII prom dress far past its prime. 

The reunion ends with me being completely flabbergasted that Tamra believes she’s now the spiritual advisor for Real Housewives Of Orange County, giving her license to decide who makes an acceptable Jesus Barbie. Heather is an honorary member. Jesus by injection of vodka? 

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[Photos: Bravo]

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