Last night was the premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I love this show! I love Tom 1 and Tom 2 on their rollerskates, reenacting Boogie Nights Returns: The Wind In My Perm: A Post-Porn Love Story To Decades Of Duos. I love that Scheana Marie Famewhore is now selling Sir Hubs A Lot up ish creek because all the spotlights in all the world need to be focused on her Madonna-adled fantasies (And Scheana ain’t no virgin – just ask Brandi Glanville!) And I love Kristen Doute being the new Stassi Schroeder; stomping around the outskirts of SUR, screaming about how mature she is now that she’s done with this waitressing thingie. T-shirt Lines are the new Statement Necklaces!
So let’s recap this bitch!
First things first, Jax Taylor is a plastic surgery addict, which means he’s gonna end up on Botched trying to undo his Bieber recreation makeover. Jax had had his THIRD nose job – this one to remove minuscule lumps that were a blight to his once perfect profile. He’s also got a nasty 6″ Frankenstein scar running down his forehead. Was he actually undergoing a lobotomy to forget his past as the premiere male supermodel and living incarnate of Zoolander?
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I am pleased to report that Peter’s hair has grown even more lustrous.
Lisa Vanderpump rallies everyone for a staff meeting. Lisa directs her attentions to James Kennedy to ask about Kristen throwing wine glasses while he was DJ’ing at PUMP. James whines that Kristen essentially stalks him, then causes problems while drunk. Lisa has no time for Kristen’s shenanigans, and to teach James a lesson demotes him to busboy at SUR. One must pay the price for the company they keep – a broken wine glass, to a broken wine glass. Tom 1 mouths, “I warned you not to get twatmatized by that toxic cooch.”
Tom 1 doesn’t escape Lisa’s wrath however – she grills him for working only 6 shifts the past month, warning not to treat his job like a drop-in service. Tom attempts to argue but Lisa coldly rebukes him to cut the disrespect, or he can make like Kristen and get fired!
Later Lisa prepares Ken that he may need to bring out the heavy artillery – Giggy – to set Tom 1 straight. Ken flexes his $50,000 cuff-links, adhered to his $1000 shirt, monogrammed BK for Big Ken, and vows to keep his eye on things.
Canoodling in the bathroom are Katie Maloney and Scheana, now besties. Katie pines for what Scheana has: A ring. But a ring don’t mean thing if it’s attached to a string
or a Shay who barely speaks and seems bored beyond senses by Meana’s existence.
Surprisingly Katie utters She Who Shall Not Be Named: Stassi. Katie heeaaaaaard that magical Patrick, of the mature-er-rizing potion, is now living separately from Stassi, to reclaim the passion of their relationship.
But Stassi Sexxx Tape is sooo yesterdays news – it’s time for Scheana to be the center of attention! To celebrate her 30th birthday – Scheana is having a Decades-themed Party and dressing as 80’s era Madonna.
Scheana then sidles up to Tom 1 and Ariana Madix to announce that James is DJing her birthday party. Ariana wonders if this means Kristen is invited, and Scheana answers evasively that she didn’t invite Kristen, per se, but she wouldn’t be mad if she showed up, because Kristen has never given Scheana a reason to dislike her. Really? Scheana remains THE WORST FRIEND EVER and THE MOST SELF-ABSORBED PERSON ALIVE.
Ariana tartly asks, “Aren’t I a reason?” reminding Scheana Marie Stupid of all the horrible things Kristen said and did last year. Scheana don’t count that stuff – if Kristen stalked Shay and accused him of cheating, that’d be different, but threatening Ariana’s life, that’s like not something Kristen did to Scheana “directly.” Right.
Jax is pining for more than his lost fame, he’s also pining for Carmen, the girl he dumped over pizza. James sees Carmen regularly, thanks to his totally blissfully relationship with Kristen, Carmen’s friend. Attempting to make friends (something Kristen rendered impossible for James because she trails him everywhere flinging wine glasses and hissing at everyone who gives him a passing nod), James confides to Jax about Carmen going on a date.
I truly must question James‘ IQ! Baby Beamer Selfer surely is like a special friend Lisa hired to satisfy an EEO quotient right, because there is no possible way even the young and naive could be stupid enough to trust Jax with information obtained from Kristen! That’s as stupid as believing Freddy Kruger just wants to show you his manicure… in private.
Jax immediately texts Carmen to demand information about what other bananas she’s letting into her fruit cocktail. And Carmen immediately turns around to text Big Momma Kristen,, to nark about James spilling the beans. Did I mention how both Carmen and James are like 23, while Kristen is like 33?
Kristen calls James – at work – to berate him for revealing private and personal information to Jax. PRIVATE AND PERSONAL. James, afraid of getting a lashing, lies and refuses to cop to it.
So Kristen crashes his shift at SUR, corners Jax behind the building – her old stomping ground – to force the information out of him. James sidles over to send Jax covert signals, warning him: DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING. Too late!
Kristen screams about how she’s soooo mature and grown-up and handles her anger now AND DOESN’T THROW TANTRUMS because: therapy. [I interrupt this recap to laugh hysterically for a full 10 minutes] Also, she’s working “hard” on her T-shirt line, which is a real career. Yeah, just like designing statement necklaces in your crawlspace? Nunya bitches have ‘real jobs’ or real maturity, but keep telling yourselves that!
So, stalking your boyfriend’s place of employ, loitering in the parking lot, slurring your words (I ain’t sayin’ she’s a drunk chick, but she ain’t messin’ with no grape juice), and shrieking at him over a text message is the very definition of maturity? In the Dictionary of Antonyms? Even James blows Kristen off by telling her he has his job to worry about. Yep, still believe Kristen and Jax are soulmates!
Across town Tom 1 and Tom 2 are getting their pretty on by bonding at the salon. To authentically channel 70’s roller boys Tom 2 wants an afro by getting permed. Over hair potions and a blow dry, Tom 2 confesses he’s ready to propose to Katie. Tom 1 almost gags on the burrito he’s eating, which has appeared out of thin air. Tom 1 is still recovering from PTPS: Post-Traumatic Psycho Syndrome.
Speaking of… Kristen home designing a T-Shirt that reads “Hard Werq” which has a huge cleavage cut-out (speaking of… where did Kristen obtain these mighty knockers she’s rocking?). James arrives with flowers to apologize for meddling and discussing things with Jax. Pathetic.
James informs Kristen about DJ’ing Scheana’s party, which prompts Kristen to start skulking about how unfair it is that James stole HER friends AND HER THERAPIST TOLD HER SHE IS LIKE MAKING SO MUCH POSITIVE PROGRESS BY NOT FLIPPING OUT ON PEOPLE, so James better invite her as a +1 or she’ll throw his DJ equipment in the pool.
James attempts to sooth Kristen by begging her not to cause drama – like Scheana’s last birthday – but Kristen immediately accuses him of trying to blame everything on her. HOLY MANIPULATION F–KWITT! According to Kristen, James is like Dr. Jekyl & Mr Hyde, and she fears his temper and drinking. Uhhh, yeah: Nutcase calling the peanut’s shell cracked. Projection, much?
This is Deja-Screwed. Meaning, James of this season is Tom 1 of two seasons ago. A slithering snake doesn’t change her ways just because she sheds her scales. Kristen blamed Tom 1 and bad friends for all her issues, but her issues persist. The issue is KRISTEN, who cannot handle sanity and needs a new therapist STAT! #5150
James, out of fear, succumbs to Kristen’s her threats and demands. And I imagine, every time Kristen crushes James’ balls in her hands, Tom 1‘s testosterone increases.
In other domestic affairs, Jax’s mom, one Heather (no relation), arrives to celebrate her 60th birthday and separate the fact from fiction of Jax, nee Jason’s LA life. Jax’s mom is adorable, and not at all fooled by his crap. She even gets Jax to admit to stealing silverware and booze from SUR.
Since it is also Scheana’s birthday (and Scheana’s mom’s birthday) they meet for lunch at Villa Blanca, where Lisa also appears. Naturally the topic of conversation is the many sordid tales of Jason “Jax” Taylor through the years. He was always a rogue – even seducing his bus driver in Jr. High, even stealing jewelry from his sister to regift. Lisa is charmed by Jax’s mom’s candidness and surprised to see Jax grew up in a normal home, not a scientific lab studying the development of deviance.
At Scheana’s Decades party, Tom 1 and Tom 2 arrive on roller skates, Ariana as a ‘factory girl’ and Katie a low-rent Cher from Clueless. She’s so clearly a Ty – Cher would never wear those janky shoes!
Scheana ignores Shay – dressed as Gilligan’s drunk uncle? – shouting LOOK AT ME – I’M LIKE A VIRGIN, I’ll lap dance you for the very first time! Lisa worries that Scheana is too self-focused and not we-focused enough. Oh, brilliant observation Dr. Lisa! Scheana and Shay should have done a Suddenly Seeking Susan collab.
Jax is a 50’s greaser – a costume he stole from SUR? – and very sweetly brings his mom as his date.
Lisa decade is 2000 and whatever. A woman savvy in the ways of the world, she sees no reason to turn back time. Tom 1 skates over and Ken grabs him by the pleather collar, warning him to spend the rest of the 70’s listening to The Sex Pistols’ “God Save The Queen”. Tom 1 is frustrated by Ken’s chastisement, but sagely knows to wait it out until someone else f–ks up. Which definitely won’t take long!
Everything is skating along, James is DJ’ing a song… when suddenly a chill enters the air. HERE COMES KRISTEN (Said in the voice from The Shining). Kristen not only failed to realize she wasn’t invited, she also failed to realize Hooker isn’t a decade.
She storms up to James an demands to know how much he’s had to drink. Earlier James told Lisa two drunks, but fearing further castration with a purse strap, meekly squeaks 1 and begs Kristen for a beer. Kristen rants at him about his drinking and is tired of him being “embarrassing”. At the bar, Kristen confronts Max, Lisa and Ken’s son, who is ordering James a drink. Kristen demands Max “watch” James attempting to drag him into her drama. But Max is a wise and smart young Jedi, seasoned on Housewives and SURitics, so he dismisses her.
Kristen is practically old enough to be James‘ mom, so she shouldn’t act like it!
Unfortunately not everyone dismisses Kristen! Scheana is all too excited by her unexpected party crasher. While Ariana shoots Kristen a withering side-eye from across the party, Scheana laughs with Kristen.
Ariana is perturbed by Scheana and wonders if she’s a “fake friend.” Ariana shares her concerns with Tom 1, who doesn’t like to think hard thoughts – and doesn’t want to summon the Kurse of Kristen by letting her name pass his lips.
Lisa regards Kristen with distaste, then frostily warns her to keep her drama out of Lisa’s restaurants.
With the party ending the stragglers hang out poolside, passing the bottle. James, pissed about Kristen’s lecture, passive-aggressively shows that he’s a man in charge of his own booze intake by pouring “waterfalls” of liquor down his throat. Kristen becomes increasingly pissy and sulky, hoping someone will give her attention by asking what’s wrong.
Kristen again tries to to cozy up to Max for sympathy, but he again brushes her aside. Meanwhile James happily chats with Scheana’s friend Nicole, and slurs to Tom 1 how much he loves him. Tom seems visibly uncomfortable to be recognizing his own past in James by being confronted with the realities of how toxic his life once was.
The awkwardness is so distressing, Tom 1 decides to make like a hot rod and roll on out – right into the pool to wash off the stink of stale drama, Kristen’s pervasive toxicity, and sticky whiskey. He emerges with nary a hair out of place. Aqua Net aerosol reigns supreme!
TELL US – WHO WILL CAUSE THE MOST DRAMA THIS SEASON? MORE TOXIC: KRISTEN OR JAMES? IS ARIANA OVER-REACTING TO SCHEANA’S FRIENDSHIP WITH KRISTEN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]