Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone conspired together to sabotage James Kennedy‘s budding relationship with Lala Kent. Poor Lala – she was the unintended mature person caught in a cesspool of stupidity.
Things start with Kristen Doute and James officially splitting. He cheated, she possibly cheated because her phone went suddenly silent. James is haunted by Kristen’s past as a two-timing psycho-confidence killer and never feels he can trust her. Imagine that…
Kristen went home to visit family in Detroit (is that Krazy Kapital of America!?), and James thinks she hooked up with other guys. Sounds like he’s projecting to cover for the fact that he made out with Lala while Kristen was away! While Big Mama K is away the little beanstalks will play!
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Since there is no time like while you’re on Lisa Vanderpump‘s dime to have a major relationship meltdown and SUR diners come as much for the Adolescent Faire entertainment as they do the Fried Goat Cheese Balls, Kristen escorts herself over to SUR and decides to talk to James while he’s working.
Out back, by the dumpsters (because I mean, where else would Kristen and James have a heart-felt talk about love, romance, and the long-term possibility of happiness) they break up. It went like this: James ranting and yelling about THISSSSS [meaning his hot, nubile, youthful body] will never be had by Kristen again! And Kristen, pretending she’s matured-up and is all, like, ‘Adulting’ now, patronizes James by scolding him, like, “If you talk to me like that again, so help me, I will wash your mouth out with soap, young man!”
Kristen pretending she’s a real-life grownup is simultaneously hilarious and revolting. The irony is not lost on the fact that her maturity-level is equaled to James’ … who is 24. The irony of James berating Kristen for cheating is also not lost – especially when JAMES MADE OUT WITH LALA. I’m pretty sure SUR’s most popular menu item is Hypocrites.
Kristen cries because James is ruining his life — now it’s her turn to project — by throwing away his attractiveness, talent, and future. James reminds her that he’s actually barely out of high school. They explode into a combustible cloud of leased BMW exhaust, cigarette smoke, and stale beer. James stomps back into SUR to finish DJing and wipes away the lone solitary man-tear of pure vodka that is included with hire at SUR. Kristen cries that she loved James sooooo much and he was her best friend, but her past destroyed him. OK, so Kristen is Bravo’s version of Anna Karenina. Got it.
While all of this is happening, Lala is pooping her adulting diapers because scary Kristen materialized and she’s positive the bitch is gonna shank her with a pair of Payless heels. There is no glory in dying by pleather! Lala confesses to Jax and Tom 1 that she made out with James last night – when she THOUGHT he had already broken up with Kristen – and Kristen is here because she found out. Lala missed the cardinal rule of SUR: DO NOT TELL JAX TAYLOR ANYTHING!
Jax immediately runs outside and tells Kristen. Seriously Jax looks 15 years younger when he has a story of salacious gossip to report. Lisa is correct – Jax is jealous that James is now the new head player at SUR and wants to destroy his rival. Anytime Jax is about to do something reprehensible, someone should just hiss STASSSSSSSI in his ear, she who shall not be evoked will levitate above, cackling gleefully, to remind Jax of her power to destroy him, because she trapped his peen in a small glass vial which can easily be SHATTERED. And try fixing that shit at a plastic surgeon’s.
Scheana Marie still thinks Shay’s addiction is ALL ABOUT HER. Also, she remains the morality police of SUR. Scheana and Shay are committing to being healthier so Tom 1, the former premiere chef le oeuf on many a movie and television sets from the mid-2000’s, comes over to teach them how to cook breakfast.
Tom 1 is a jackass of all trades: he cooks, he doesn’t clean, he cablebox babysits, he kept up with Kristen’s kray, he mixes fruity drinks, he ugly cry faces, he plays guitar, he roller skates, he recovers from being Jaxed, he picks out jewelry, he pitches businesses with gut-so, he mixes plaids with stripes… Is there NOTHING this manchild cannot do? Except convince Ariana Madix to marry him. Nope – he can’t do that – even though he can write “Made Julianne Moore scrambled egg whites.” on his resume. Ariana asserts that Tom is the domestic one, while she is the one building a man cave in their linen closet.
Scheana thinks “real food” is gross — she imagined Tom was going to pour milk into her CoaCoa Puffs. They have whole grains! “Sugar is the enemy,” muses Ariana. Except poor Scheana – can’t be expected to like cook things and take care of Shay – that’s not what she planned for when she got married. she’s supposed to just sit there and look deranged pretty like the Precious Moments Dolls on her shelves!
Sitting behind their TV trays Scheana and Shay sample what looks like a delicious breakfast. Then Scheana runs to the kitchen to douse her eggs with International Delights French Vanilla creamer. There! Now she’s classy. It’s French!
Also French the word “sommelier” – Lisa hired one to educate the plebeians that a Pinot Noir does not pair acceptably with grilled sole. And exactly what wine pairs best with Fried Goat Cheese Balls? A brutal pinot grigio, bitch! Stassiolier taught us that.
After the wine tasting, Schenaa cries to Lisa about missing goat cheese balls because now she has to be healthy for stupid Shay and his stupid I need a Vicodin to survive this marriage and this stupid in sickness and in health shit. UGH – marriage is HAAAARD. And not good hard, like diamonds.
Scheana then gets pedicures with Katie Maloney and Ariana. Scheana brags that Shay will do “everything in his power to make her the happiest woman alive” and therefore will never take a pill again! Even if he’s dying. Ariana and Katie are like uhhhh… not sure recovering from addiction quite works that way, but keep doodling “Scheana + WhatsHisName… Oh, right: SHAY 4 Ever” in your Lisa Frank notebook with pink sparkle pen.
Peter Madrigal is growing up, to prove it he chopped his ponytail into a sleek bob. My Little Pony Hair no more!
Jax and Tom 1 accompanied Peter to the salon, of course, where Jax reveals the true desperation of Scheana Now Stassi’s desire to be SUR’s crowned Mean Girl. Scheana and, grossly enough, Katie decided to be friendly with Kristen – ostensibly cause she’s sad over James, but really it’s a trap! They invited Kristen, who is on hiatus from constantly bettering herself in therapy, to get drinks. They also SNEAK INVITED James and Lala!
It’s sort of sad – Lala seems to like James. They go on a date – a normal date – no weirdness and have fun. They both think they were really invited for drinks with co-workers. Not vipers in frienemy clothing. Lala thinks James is a decent person, uncorrupted by the tides of surviving SUR and Kristen’s tidal wave-sized mood swings, which can wipe out entire hipster colonies in Silver Lake.
Seriously – how stupid, dumb, immature and pathetic is Scheana?. And even worse is Katie going along with this plan for the sheer enjoyment of humiliating Lala! They plan on crazy Kristen having a few too many and confronting her. Too bad they didn’t consider that Lala is more mature than all of these 30-year-olds stapled together! Scheana’s reason for this set-up is because Lala made out with Kristen’s “boyfriend” – the boyfriend she breaks up with every other day. “Ee don;t like girls like that here,” Scheana retorts. GIRLS LIKE SCHEANA who once had a long-term affair with a married man? As I said, Hypocrites Le Plastique is SUR’s most popular menu item. What wine does that pair with? I’m gonna go with a nice crisp grape-flavored wine cooler.
Tom 1 and Ariana are not attending. Tom wants nothing to do with Kristen. He is “adulting” now. I like this look on him. I also think Tom 1 actually cares about Shay’s well-being and recovery. Unlike Scheana. #GirlieBrosBeforeSelfishHoes
Scheana is overjoyed to ditch Shay on the sofa with his remote. “I’d rather watch The Kristen Show live,” she crows. Also, you know, since Shay’s addiction doesn’t really fit in with Scheana’s lifestyle of drinking or their friend group, bars are no place for him! Can Scheana stop wearing dresses cut down to her naval? I think I actually prefer the crop tops.
Katie should just stop EVERYTHING – especially trying to be first Stassi, now Scheana. This is why I like Ariana – she has no time for this nonsense, and a good side-eye is the only accessory one needs.
James and Lala arrive and it’s going OK. Then Kristen saunters in smirking like she’s not a 35-year-old stalking her ex. I mean, c’mon, ladies – it just looked so desperate! James and Lala are literally 10 years younger – isn’t that, a little, just sad to gleefully relish being the Big Mean Mama who will put their tainted love on blast? I felt embarrassed for her. And Scheana. And Katie. Not Jax. Shame does not penetrate his élan de délirant.
James starts temper tantruming, because his MILF crashed the party. He starts ranting that Kristen should go sleep with Jax again. Jax is smirking gleefully. It might happen – they’re soul mates in my mind – plus Jax loves all attention; any attention – no matter how negative!
Lala tries to calm James down. Kristen and Jax skulk outside for a heart-to-heart but James follows because he needs a light…
While he’s sulking, a calm Lala decides to talk to Kristen and explain she believed James was single when they made out. Unfortunately Kristen decides to fill Lala in on all the times James referred to her as a “slut” and a “whore” behind her back. Lala puts two-and-two together that James was trying to distract Kristen from realizing what was going on. She is not impressed. Kristen smirks – her work here is done. James saunters over, but Lala tells him she’s “offended,” gets up, and walks away. Back inside James tries, inarticulately, to convince Lala she’s being played by Kristen.
Lala was right – James was covering his ass by calling her a slut to Kristen’s face. I was impressed by how calmly Lala handled the whole thing: the set-up, taking control of the situation by confronting Kristen obsequiously, not freaking out or making a big deal (which had to make Scheana sad), and then refusing to fight with James in front of everyone.
James gets angrier and angrier, then resorts to calling Lala a “basic bitch” being tricked by Kristen. At that point Scheana, MORALITY POLICE, gets up in arrears. Her false eyelashes flutter with indignity because HOW DARE James call someone a bitch!
Whatever Scheana. Whatever James. Team Lala.
TELL US – WAS LALA BEING PLAYED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
