Last night marked Abby Lee Miller’s return to Dance Moms, and it was every bit as ridiculous as every other episode has been for the last few seasons. Please, Lifetime, put this show out of its misery…it’s not fun to watch any more. It’s borderline disturbing. Abby is having some sort of passive aggressive psychotic break on camera, calmly telling the veteran mothers that she was on vacation last week and doesn’t give a flip about the elite team. She’s only back in the studio because her lawyers need to get paid. As Holly leads the charge to pepper Abby with questions, Abby dismisses her with glassy eyes and flippant remarks.
Before the pyramid, Abby criticizes the routines that she wasn’t in the attendance to watch. The minis are included in the pyramid, with the entire crew rounding out the bottom rung. Peyton is in the last place spot for her mother’s deplorable behavior. Abby clearly doesn’t like a mom’s bad behavior being worse than her own, right? JoJo, Brynn, and Kendall make up the next level for their various flawed performances, and Nia and Kalani are in third and second. Abby is shocked that Nia didn’t excel more in African dance given that she’s African-American. No, just no. Holly loses it. Just because Nia’s black doesn’t mean she’s got the lock on African dancing. Abby barely back pedals…she didn’t mean to offend anyone, she just thinks that Nia needs to step up to the plate. MacKenzie takes the top spot. The girls will be dancing a lyrical piece with Brynn in the lead role. Abby warns Brynn that if the elite team loses it will be her fault. Jill takes the opportunity to remind everyone that Ashlee never finds Brynn at fault for anything. Shut it, Jill. Seriously, she is sounding like a broken record. Some mini whose name I’m not going to bother to learn is granted a solo.
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As Abby goes over the choreography with the elite team, she chastises Brynn for her mother’s decision to pull her out of the ALDC a few seasons ago. She should be grateful for their second chance. In the viewing area, Ashlee draws Jill’s attention to some bootleg video of Kendall and Brynn’s duet that is garnering a lot of praise for Brynn and negative comments for Kendall. Jill basically tells her to eff off (before calling her a fat ass…keeping it classy, Jill). She would never talk as poorly about a child as Ashlee does about Kendall. Um, does Jill watch the same show we do? All of these ladies are horrific. Glass houses, Jill. Glass. Houses. Ashlee retaliates with a zinging insult. She may be a fat ass, but at least she’s not as old as Jill. Has MENSA contacted these ladies?
The minis are on the chopping block this week. If they don’t do well, Abby is going to do away with the mini competition team entirely. She has the elites wrangling the little ones when one mini (Kendall!) and mom show up late. Newbie mini mom Lynn interrupts rehearsal and Abby shuts her down quickly before kicking them out of the studio. Rookie mistake, new mom. Rookie mistake. Later, a teary Ashlee shares her frustrations with Holly and Jessalyn who remind her that she needs to maintain a delicate balance. They aren’t holding her breath that Ashlee is listening. The following day, the late newbie mom has returned, and Abby dismisses her yet again. Newbie mini-mom cries to the missing Jackson sibling (is that LaToya?), whining that she doesn’t want to put her daughter in such a negative atmosphere. Give me a break…as if she’s never seen the show before! Holly advises that if newbie mom feels uncomfortable letting her child be criticized and belittled, perhaps she’s with the wrong group of folks. These ladies are used to the treatment, and by golly, their daughters have learned to keep their mouths shut!
The next day, the mini moms attempt to bond, but newest mini mom doesn’t believe they have to do things just like the elite mothers. Melissa rolls her eyes back into her head so far I’m surprised she can still see. Newbie mini mom accuses the elite moms of losing their identities to please Abby. Melissa’s eye rolls are contagious, and Holly has caught a serious case of it. Just to mess with their heads, Abby pops out of the studio to invite late mini to join the group. Jessalyn is bored of the mini mom dramz, so she questions whether Ashlee and Brynn will stick around when Maddie returns. Ashlee recalls Abby’s warning that a group loss will be Brynn’s fault. Jill disagrees…she would NEVER blame child for a loss. Does she have amnesia?
At competition, Jill is surprised to see no fans are awaiting their arrival. Abby is in attendance, but she’s very blasse about the situation. Tardy mini mom apologizes for her bad behavior, and Abby commends her for not listening to the yapping of the other ladies. What? Melissa is livid. How dare this new mini mom throw them under the bus? These women are twisted. Before the first mini’s solo, Kendall gives her protege a quick pep talk, warning her not to look at Abby as she’s bound to be making crazy distracting hand gestures. The mini is sassy and adorable, but the mini moms don’t seem to understand that Abby doesn’t care about adorable. She just cares about wins. Late mini mom questions how long MacKenzie was sporting pig tails and baby dances, causing Melissa to bare fangs and her mini mother counterparts to come to Melissa’s defense. Remember the children? We don’t talk badly about them on this episode ever. Holly attacks next, sarcastically hoping that late mini mom doesn’t “lose her identity” like the elite moms have. Peyton’s mom, who showed her crazy last week, is lauding Melissa as the Godfather of the ALDC. I can’t. If you need most-hated mini mom, she’ll be digging her own grave.
Abby lectures the minis before their group number, which, by the way, is a hot mess…even for five-and-six-year-olds. Kendall 2.0 drops her prop, which we all know is worse than embezzling murder in Abby’s book of offenses. It’s not looking good for the mini team’s longevity with the ALDC. If the elite team does anything right, it’s a lyrical routine. Brynn is amazing as the featured dancer, and Jill throws her a bone. She did a fine enough job, according to the always unbiased Jill, but she’s no Maddie. At the awards ceremony, the mini’s solo places second which is basically first loser. Both the minis and the elite team win their division for the group numbers, mainly because the judges were napping during the minis’ routine. Jessalyn bashes the mini moms’ idea that just because they got first they did a good job. It was a hot mess. Jill demands to know if the minis will be returning next week. Abby laughs maniacally before leaving…will she be there next week–that’s a better question!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? SHOULD THE MINIS STICK AROUND?
[Photo Credit: Lifetime]
