Lisa Vanderpump

I feel exhausted. Why can’t the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills just have fun together and be friends? This show is fabulous when everyone on it is fabulous: fabulously dressed, fabulously wealthy, fabulously living, fabulously connected, and fabulously friends. When they resort to low-level manipulative pandering of ‘take down storylines’ – take downs of the same woman, season after season, I might add –  it becomes unbearably trite.

I get it – no one in the 90210 zipcode and its surrounding areas can stand Lisa Vanderpump! She’s too busy having fun with ponies to sweat y’all’s smallstuff, though. 

In case you’ve forgotten Yolanda Foster has Lyme Disease, and the only part of her brain that remains in functioning order is the manipulative faction. Ain’t that aces for her reality TV career! She’s got some inexplicable issue with LVP that’s gonna play out again and again until the 4 tenors sing off-key.

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Yolanda hasn’t entertained in 2 years, and even David tripped over trying to get the story straight on her intermittent reduced functioning. Funny because the only thing David is usually tripping over is his own ego! (True Fact: I may be the only person watching RHOBH who appreciates the ridiculous of David – I kind of of adore him! Of YoDa, Yo can go, Da can stay!).  Since Yolanda can’t endure the stress of entertaining at home (or taking off her bathrobe – I hope she owns at least 30 of those things), she’s emerging from her Lyme cocoon to host a dinner party at a restaurant.

Pre-gaming are Lisa and Kyle RichardsAfter the awkwardness with Yolanda at lunch, plus the scolding email Yolanda sent Kyle, they would rather stay home, but they know that would cause more drama. Instead they devise a plan – Kyle will mention the email but, explain why she hasn’t responded and ask to discuss it later, thus diffusing the weirdness slightly, but not ignoring the situation or causing [another] scene. I thought this was very tactful of her. Lisa is just gonna go to this dinner and take advantage of the free food – plus David promised a surprise guest. 

In the limo, Lisa reveals that she texted Kim Richards a happy birthday, prompting Kyle to admit to attending Kim’s birthday party and it went great. Now Kyle is optimistic about their relationship. Well, it ain’t over til the Kingsley bites your finger off! 

Kathryn Edwards arrives to dinner first, bringing Donnie. Erika Girardi appears next, bringing an air of wariness about her, blamed on exhaustion from her performance the night before. Leading two lives is hard work! Well, let’s hope Erika took some Adderall, cause no sleep for the wicked here on RHOBH!

Kathryn and Erika are chatting about what transpired over dinner at LVP’s. They’re discussing how LVP and Eileen Davidson pecked at each other’s emotional wounds like a bunch of treacly swans with gastrointestinal issues, when Lisa and Kyle walk in, so it’s like PSSSSSYCH we were just chatting about the sale at Neiman’s where Erika got the cuuuuutest “twat” bracelet! The fakeness could be stabbed with a knife, and slathered on someone’s face as an anti-aging treatment. The fakeness of this entire party probably contains more sugar than these women have consumed in the last decade. 

Lisa and Yolanda

By the time Yolanda arrives – late and wearing a men’s undershirt to complete her anti-beautifying ‘I really am ill!’ no make-up look – the evening has already gone to the trash. Kyle spits out her rehearsed email line, and Yolanda seems relieved. Then Lisa mentions they too should talk, but Yolanda is dismissive and puts her off, suggesting a coffee maybe, because now that Yolanda has regained her wits after a LymeBrain flare-up she’s back to being her old schmoozing self. Lisa promises Yolanda she never said anything about her children. Yolanda responds that she “wants” to believe this, with an arched eyebrow. David is being gregarious and oblivious to the tension, because David doesn’t realize other people are real, thinking they’re all autobot drones existing purely to receive the basks of his splendor. Drones don’t have issues, so it’s air kisses for all! 

Eileen and LVP side-eye each other while insincerely chirping that they’re both still “good!” 

In a not at all awkward moment, Eileen waves Kathryn over to give Lisa Rinna the lowdown about what Erika said regarding LVP’s web-spinning, which by the way, LVP should totally start selling those webs on Etsy! Lipsa instantly brushes Erika’s comment aside as absolutely ridiculous. 

Erika and LVP

Since this dinner party is really just musical gossip, and the person not talking shit when the music of David Foster stops, doesn’t get wine, so everyone is calling everyone out, one by one. Next LVP leans towards Erika, gesturing her closer, to ask why she’s being accused of spinning webs. Erika admits to saying it unlike the last time she was called out for her comments, but she’s pissed that Kathryn betrayed her confidences – which Kathryn did.

Lisa is suspicious, rightfully so, about why Erika has these opinions of her and reminds her that they’re all strong women, not easily influenced, right? She plays it close to the bedazzled vest while Erika gets super defensive. Erika accuses LVP of being up to something and doesn’t trust her motives. Erika also finds it alarming that both LVP and Kathryn wondered how long she’s been friends with Yolanda. “I think you’re trying to discredit my friendship with Yolanda,” she sneers.

Uh, maybe they both asked because that’s a normal question people ask when you meet a friend of a friend? However, if you’re Erika and you’ve been groomed by Yolanda’s Lyme Brain to be cunty about the awfulness of The LVP (yeah you know me!), you might imagine the worst. It seemed like projecting on Erika’s part, like, inadvertently she’s letting the puss out of the pants regarding her own shady intentions. Somethin’s up and it’s somethin’ c-nty! 

The fun continues when Erika immediately confronts Kathryn about her motives for repeating their conversation to LVP. Erika assumed she and Kathryn were forming a friendship. Erika assumed Kathryn was keeping her confidences. Erika assumed Kathryn would pass her test – meaning whose side was she going to bat for. Erika assumed wrong. Shouldn’t the wife of a lawyer know better than to assume, which makes an ass out of you and me? Well, actually, no, according to Erika assume makes a “f–king c-u-next-tuesday bitch” out of Kathryn.

Kathryn defends her actions because Erika never asked her not to tell, which is a cop-out excuse and completely lame thing to do after telling someone you want to be their friend – it’s sneaky (even if it was on camera). However, I understand Kathryn found it weird that Erika, who doesn’t really know LVP, would have enough negative (and nasty) opinions about her character to call her a manipulative “sniper”. (Erika and those assumptions!) What’s ironic is that LVP believed she was forming a friendship with Erika, who went ahead and did the same thing to Lisa that Kathryn did to her –  being all nice, then talking shit! Such are the tangled webs we weave… 

Eileen is suspicious of Rinna

Down at the other end of the table, Eileen is suddenly annoyed that Lipsa was overly effusive in her defense of LVP. Lipsa admits she’s trapped between her friendship with Eileen and how much she likes LVP.

Andrea Bocelli on RHOBH

Then David whisks everyone into a private room where Andrea Boccelli sings “Ave Maria.” Kyle believes it was a sign FROM HEAVEN just for her – JUST FOR HER – because that was her mom’s favorite song. Everyone else pretends to be wildly ecstatic that it was an opera serenade cum David Foster ego-boost, and not Beyonce. 

The next day Lipsa does mom duties by taking her daughter to get a tonsillectomy. All of Rinna’s freaking out in the waiting room, and desire to make problems out of nothing, and frantically accusing herself of having Munchausen by Proxy then starting a fight with herself for putting malicious accusations ‘out there’ is for naught because Delilah is fine after the 20 minute surgery. Then they all go home for popsicles (Diet ice cream). 

At LVP’s house, many splendored things are happening! Mohamed has arrived and brought with him a life-sized My Little Pony house for the mini horses. It’s pink and frothy and adorable. Lisa has known Mohamed pre-Yolanda, and they’ve very close, and she understands that could possibly be upsetting to Yolanda. Lisa insists she’s always respected their relationship, but if she had to choose, her loyalties would be with Mohamed, naturally. However she would never try to come between a family. 

Kyle is cooking dinner, but her dog keeps eating food off the table because Kyle got pet-rearing tips from KimKillah

Meanwhile Eileen (and her jumpsuit), meet Erika and Yolanda for a picnic lunch, even though Yolanda hasn’t been outside or used a utensil in three years. In fact, she’s forgotten grass existed she’s been so bed-ridden. Over lunch the topic of conversation ranges from Lisa Vanderpump to Lisa Vanderpump. My mom says if someone is talking about you, your ear itches. LVP probably went to the doctor for an infection her ear was so itchy. Earmites from ponies… on no, they only transmit Lyme! 

All the ladies have their own perspective on the Machiavellian manipulations of LVP. Erika believes Lisa loves being thought of as a smart and formidable opponent and relishes in making people uncomfortable. Possibly, but I think she more or less finds it amusing that people put so much effort into dissecting her. Eileen likes LVP but is disappointed they just can’t become real friends, which she had believed they would. Eileen found Kathryn’s insta-spill questionable, but doesn’t blame LVP, she blames Kathryn, and she’s also frustrated that Lipsa is pretending to be so naive about LVP. Yolanda praises LVP for being so savvy about her operations, but admits they’ve never formed a true connection. Despite Lisa’s closeness to Mohamed, she’s learned to accept LVP as the Hollywood Friend that she is. 

Interestingly no one called anyone else out. Eileen, who is usually the savviest of the group and the most willing to lay the honesty cards on the table, never bothered to ask Erika why she would have such strong opinions about a woman she just met? In fact Eileen accepted Erika’s explanation that she observed these things at at face-value. Actually, Eileen was disappointed that Lipsa immediately put the blame on Erika, instead of acknowledging that Erika had a point abut LVP’s behavior. Something tells me Eileen hasn’t figured out yet that Yolanda is so manipulative…  

No one bothered to question Yolanda, “My Lymes Are Hurting, So Please Show Compassion!” Foster about why she would instantly believe Lisa was “talking shit” about her children and put that out there in the universe with no fact-checking. Finally, no one bothered to ask Eileen why she’s so bothered by Lipsa having a different opinion about LVP, and why she’s repeating everything to Erika and Yolanda, two women who’ve already proven to be untrustworthy. 

It’s a shame – I honestly feel Erika and LVP would be an amazing pair if it weren’t for Lymes Of Our Lives. I honestly feel Eileen and LVP could be great friends too. 

Kim and Kyle

Back at Kyle’s house Rambles has arrived to, once again, sweep everything under the carpet under the guise of sisterly love. Kim is still full of excuses and refusing to confront reality, because bringing up stuff from the past – which would illuminate her own bad behavior – is “unhealthy”. Kim blames other people for all of her drama with Kyle. (She does not include Brandi.) 

Ultimately, Kyle seems to recognize and accept that her relationship with Kim will always be limited, with conditions –  Kyle either meets Kim where she is, or she meets Kim never again. When Kyle tries to press Kim to enter the real world, Kim becomes KimKillah!

It’s not like I’m complaining that we won’t have to endure more Richards sister mayhem, and at least Kim looks very pretty and has properly deployed her BumpIt! for this momentous occasion of reappearing on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills for another attempted manipulation of Kyle

rhobh-kyle

Kim and Kyle cry about loving each other, and promise this time they’ll truly make amends. Kyle sighs that she doesn’t want to blame Kim’s alcoholism for their issues, but it is the big, drunk, pink elephant in the room dancing to its own song and floating on bubbles Kyle paid for, so it has to be acknowledged that when Kim’s drunk she’s impossible, but when Kim’s sober she’s at least cognizant enough to not start so many damn disasters! 

TELL US – WHAT SAY YOU ABOUT THE ERIKA AND EILEEN’S OPINIONS OF LVP? WILL KIM AND KYLE FINALLY GET THEIR RELATIONSHIP BACK ON TRACK?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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