Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills practiced charity! Lest you think they were being sweet and kind, think again!
First up Camille Grammer returns to throw a shopping extravaganza for women’s cancer. As a cancer survivor herself, Camille is well aware that diamonds cure all. Of course, Yolanda Foster manages to upstage Camille’s designer pageant gown (featuring a side cut-out and Jolie slit!) by debuting her all-new pixie cut, but at least Yolanda got herself out of bed. Praise Jesus! Fear not – Camille looked beyond amazing.
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Everyone initially comes together to buy jewelry but then quickly separates, it’s Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump against the establishment! Lisa Rinna is being eerily quiet, stewing in her thoughts, ruminating in the Instagram photo she has been checking again and again to make sure it’s real – not a fabrication of her over-active imagination. But there it is: Yolanda having lunch with Brandi and Kim emblazoned with the hashtag “RealFriends.”
While Kathryn Edwards sends “Pumpy” trotting off to fetch her a drink, sending Erika Girardi‘s farcically immobile eyebrows somewhere up towards the vicinity of her plasticine Barbie hairline, Lipsa is biting her tongue and wondering how to successfully avoid confronting Yolanda. But, since this is Lisa Rinna, (not to mention Lisa Rinna on a glass of wine or two), she just can’t keep those lips quiet, so she asks Yolanda about the photo.
With Eileen Davidson as her omnipresent backup Lipsa attempts to explain why she finds it questionable that Yolanda planned lunch with Brandi and Kim on the same day she had her good friend Erika’s dinner party. Erika, who basically has reduced herself to sentry of Yolanda’s myopically delusional facade (and literally will argue that limes are purple if Yolanda told her to), insists she’s completely unbothered by Yolanda’s last minute cancellation despite evidence to the contrary that Yolanda was actually suffering from a swollen brain.
Yolanda intentionally misses Lipsa’s point, as Yolanda is wont to do, arguing that she didn’t post the photo (she wouldn’t, so not to get caught #LymeBrain), only had a spoonful of energy (to help the lies go down in the most delightful way!), furthermore it’s not Lipsa’s business who Yolanda is friends with. Apparently Brandi and Kim have supported Yolanda more than anyone else! Even Erika!? Eileen attempts to clarify that it’s actually about Yolanda’s planning, knowing she’s ill, but Yolanda is a master of obfuscation. “We just have huge trust issues” Lipsa finally relents. Yolanda blames those on Lipsa for the ol’ Munchausen comment, then Yolanda, intransigent as always about any point potentially questioning her behavior, gets up and leaves claiming she’s “ill.” Lipsa sighs and admits she will forever look like the ass for daring to question the ill person.
However, she’s deduced, “Yolanda is not being honest about something.”
Kathryn gets her new hearing aid and is amazed by the clarity of sound, and by how loudly she talks. “I better apologize to Erika,” she acknowledges, admitting she probably was yelling at Erika’s dinner party. Faux Pas!
After hearing things clearly, Kathryn heads over to LVP’s to help plan the Yulin Dog March. Despite Erika’s attempts, Kathryn and LVP like each other – they really like each other!
Maurico and Kyle take all the ladies out for a ‘Thank You’ dinner after they spent 15 minutes painting a house and 2 hours standing in front of a house arguing. It’s an arduous task which bears rewarding. Taking a page form Yolanda’s
Kyle proposes the trip to Dubai and everyone is in. The pleasantries end when Eileen informs LVP she can’t attend the Yulin March, which leaves LVP narrowing her eyes in suspicion. Somehow talk twists around to how Lipsa has once again let her enormous lips be the Titanic’s iceberg. This time she’s told LVP that Eileen called her manipulative. LVP counters this by denying she had anything to do with forcing Lipsa to go shopping with Kim in Amsterdam. I fail to see how this correlates AT. ALL. to the present situation dealing with one Yolanda Foster and her Lyme.
Eileen encourages Lipsa to stand her ground, continuously interjecting, which is a little odd. It’s like Eileen is somehow being a sniper from the side and recruiting Lipsa to fight her battle against LVP (WHICH I LOATHE TO ADMIT BECAUSE I LOVE EILEEN AND SHE CONSISTENTLY CALLS YOLANDA OUT WITHOUT BEING BITCHY!).
Lipsa is also upset because LVP was apparently trying to force her to be upset over Yolanda’s bipolar comment. The basis for this is that LVP called Lipsa to ask if she was upset about the comment. This is ridiculous. If I had two friends and one was running around insinuating the other was bipolar, but I knew that it was absolutely not true, and was a comment made from of pettiness, I’d be the person on the phone saying, “Wait – you’re not upset that she’s saying this about you?” Am I actually just a super manipulative chess-playing sniper-weberella friend too?! Oh no – should I take to my bathrobe and bed for days and consult wonky doctors who suggest I stick my head in a freezer for 10 minutes while soaking my feet in iodine?! I better call Daisy!
Then Kyle mentions that everyone has a strong personality, except Lipsa, who is a “follower.” Which leaves Lipsa stung and Eileen confused about how Lipsa was blamed. Kathryn gives up and regrets this hearing aid – life was a little better when some things were muffled. “I’m turning this down,” she jokes to Kyle’s shrieks.
Back home, Lipsa furiously googles and comes up with a new accusational-illness “Scapegoat-itis” she reads it aloud and says HA! Look I have this – I caught it from Kyle and Lisa’s labeling bitchery bad intentions.
Lipsa decides to attend the Yulin March, dragging along a less than enthused Harry. LVP is all about the dogs, and not at all about the bitches therefore she has no desire to discuss RHOBH drama. LVP silences Kyle’s attempts to shit-stir. Yes, Kyle pick up dog shit, instead of stirring up gossipy shit. The march is a bit of a cluster-f–k and they wind-up demanding an innocent church Stop Yulin Forever, until the police direct them to the Chinese Embassy. An enthusiastic Kyle jokes that Lisa, the little spider, manipulated all these people to care about dogs. That crafty minx!
While LVP, Eileen, and Lipsa stay home to do pesky things like work, the rest of the ladies Hop On Pop Giradi’s private jet to attend the Global Lyme Alliance where Yolanda will be making a speech about her work as a Lyme activist. Whoa, so all along she’s been selfie-ing for a cause!?
Before departing Yolanda calls David to complain that she’s been working on her speech for weeks, nonstop, even though she’s simultaneously not able to think nor get out of bed. Yolanda reminisces about the days of yore, when she had a vast brain filled with thoughts and free-flowing ideas. Now it’s all dictionary.com and Daisy to the rescue.
On the plane, an embarrassed Kathryn sincerely apologizes to Tom for yelling in his home, explaining her hearing aids. He forgives her. It’s interesting – all the women complain about Kathryn but seem to sincerely like her in person. Are they fake?! No…
Kyle invites Erika and Yolanda to Dubai. Naturally Yolanda cannot attend (Not Without My Daisy: The Yolanda Foster Lyme Journey Awareness Story), in fact this trip to NYC is a trial and tribulation of Biblical proportions, it’s as if the Magdalena herself came down with Lyme!
The ladies discuss the issue between Eileen and LVP. Frankly no one can believe it’s spiraled so out of control over a few innocuous comments. “They’re like oil and water,” deduces Kyle. Kathryn ascribes the disconnect as cultural because they just don’t come at things from the same direction. Eileen felt like she wasn’t being heard or understood by LVP, who thought her comment shouldn’t have been a big deal. Erika comments that LVP will never offer an apology since she don’t come down off her mini horse for no broad’s hurt feelings.
In NYC Yolanda and David have been put up in the Martin Katz Jewelry Suite in the New York Palace Hotel. Being that Martin is a friend of David’s and all. Yolanda dons her glamour sweat suit, the color of sludge, to host a cocktail party in the room.
The ladies ogle the jewelry, then Yolanda gushes all over Erika for her loyalty and friendship. Erika praises herself for being a sincere friend who supports Yolanda no matter what. Hmmm… this is ringing more hollow and fake by the moment. Erika just seems phonier by the episode. Maybe it’s her deadpan delivery? Maybe it’s that we see she has no autonomy in her own marriage and lives out her desire for power through a phony alter-ego selling generic sex fantasies? Maybe it’s that the more she clings to the image of Keeper Of Yolanda’s Delusions the more I realize she doesn’t think for herself? Maybe it’s hearing Erika admit she’s not allowed to choose her own jewelry and if she sees something she wants she has to email a photo to Tom’s secretary suggesting she may like this, then wait to see if he obliges? What I’m trying to say is two fake-ass bitches found each other moping around the sunset of their fading glories and clung to the buoy upholding their scantily tethered denial.
Then David is overheard confiding to a friend that he’s not sure his marriage can survive anymore Lyme Aid nonsense, and even if Yolanda is healed he doesn’t believe it will ever go back to the way it was. Oops!
Everyone admires the famous rooftop view of NYC where Yolanda makes a speech thanking Daisy and David (which I presume took her the better part of a year to concoct). Afterwards David straps on his facade, musters up a smile and a bravado about kicking everyone out of the suite so he can make sweet lemonade to his wife. “We’re gonna burn that bathrobe, baby!” he champions hollowly.
Meanwhile in his mind David is composing an anthem of freedom which consists of him fleeing a prison of lemon orchard brambles, disrobing from the shackles of Lyme and flinging off that bathrobe to ride off into the sunset on the twinkling keys of his piano.
Back in the BH, Lipsa and Eileen go luggage shopping, which is a ruse to discuss the thinly-veiled spider webbing of LVP. Eileen confronts Lipsa about not standing her ground in front of LVP. Eileen wonders why Lipsa didn’t call LVP out for making the Munchausen and Bipolar insinuations. She feels Lipsa has salient points when they’re talking, but when directly confronted by a Vanderpump, she crumbles.
Lipsa tries to mention, again, that Yolanda also has that effect on her, but Eileen glosses over that inconvenience! I personally think Lipsa fares pretty well at standing her ground – the only people pleasing she seems to be doing as of late is pleasing Eileen! I do think Eileen is trying to be a supportive friend by likening her own unsavory experiences with LVP to Lipsa’s, but it’s coming across as a bit… agenda-oriented. And, well, manipulative! Maybe Lipsa is complicit in this? Maybe she’s just a follower and a people pleaser?
Eileen, again, complains over not getting a sincere apology from LVP (I think we all agree LVP could have given a more genuine apology, but it ain’t gonna happen so move the hell on! LVP has laid her cards on the table, you saw her hand, you even called her bluff, so now get outta the game!).
Watching these two women, huddled in the corner of a designer luggage shop, whispering about how afraid they are of LVP and who is better equipped to confront her – did they think someone would overhear? Is LVP now transcending mere manipulations into Gestapo capabilities?
They both have trepidation about Dubai, given the uncertainty ravaging the group, but Lipsa promises she’ll definitely be asserting herself. Eileen warns her the F-word is illegal in Dubai, which sends Lipsa into a new series of spasms about how she’ll f–k this one up. I bet she googled “synonyms for f–k.”
TELL US – DID LIPSA HAVE A RIGHT TO WANT AN ANSWER FROM YOLANDA? ARE YOU OVER THE MANIPULATION-ACCUSATIONS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]