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Jacqueline

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey we officially bid “Arrivederci” to Bravo’s bankrupt and brokedown version of Lucy and Ethel, because Teresa Giudice finally told Jacqueline Laurita to take her prosciutto and shove it! She has her own Thankyouverymuch. Or maybe it was the other way around? Oh, and Juicy will be rolley-bagging his homemade wine all the way home!

Things started off on the right foot, at least, with nobody having envy over anybody else. Well, maybe Melissa Gorga envies Poison, ’cause now that she’s a business owner/mom she has to do double the work while STILL listening to him complain. At least the Gorgadices are stepping in the right direction, though! Melissa even invites Teresa and Milania to watch her three kids walk in New York Fashion Week.

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Teresa didn’t respond with, “Oh, well, G-to-the-EEEEya already did that you knows,” No, she simply accepted the invite. Knock me over with a feather boa from Envy’s Love Italian Style lingerie collection!

While Teresa and Melissa are rebuilding relationships left and right, Siggy Flicker is handling this whole parenting thing with two left feet. You know she’s in the wrong hands when she asks Jacqueline for advice! Looking at Ashlee, who has a mirror-image plastic faced replica of Jacqueline is all the proof you need, but Jacqueline does Siggy one further! 

Jacqueline & Ashlee

Siggy is upset because her 13-year-old daughter Sophie is obsessed with her phone and instagrammed a bikini pic. Siggy asks Jacqueline if she would be upset, so Jacqueline responds by getting down on all fours and twerking to demonstrate what she would deem inappropriate. Jacqueline has Kris Jenner parenting standards, and that’s when Siggy should’ve gotten the hell out of Jacqueline’s kitchen.

Siggy tosses cold water on the situation by bringing up the Envy opening and Teresa and Joe’s impending visit. Jacqueline pretends she’s really excited because she just wants happy, happy, joy, joy and a real friendship again. Or does she? 

Dolores Catania is also moving forward. She’s celebrating her independent new life by asking her ex-husband to pay for a complete refresh and rejuvenation of her old house. Apparently the former Mr. New Jersey, whose nipples have been hard ever since, can afford it since he owns 6 successful gyms.

Dolores moves on

Following in Frank’s footsteps, Dolores just opened her own gym using her divorce settlement (she’s also a co-owner of 3 of Frank’s gyms). Hasn’t she been divorced for like a decade? Unfortunately Dolores can’t focus completely on her business because her stomach is experiencing a spare tire and her dog needs a kidney transplant. Oh, and her living room isn’t gray and white with a gas fireplace. 

Melissa and Poison take the kids to fashion week practice. After she tells him Teresa is invited, Poison lectures Melissa about training Teresa to treat her with respect. Kinda like one trains a dog. Melissa doesn’t believe she could ever get Teresa to heel the way Poison does. Maybe Melissa should dangle leopard-print booties and rhinestone collars in front of Teresa to convince her to do tricks? Although something tells me it’s Teresa who has Melissa and Poison trained… 

Melissa

Jacqueline visits Chris at his office, where his new popcorn bags are displayed everywhere. He reminds Jacqueline that she needs to make nice with Teresa and Joe to stay on this show and pop kernels in everyone’s faces. 

I think Chris is sincere about wanting to repair his friendship with Joew at least, as he reminds Jacqueline that the Giudices have been under a lot of stress both financially and as a family with the prison sentences, so she should put some of Teresa’s behaviors perspective and count her blessings, instead of counting the lines on her face and the money she doesn’t have to fix them, but spends anyway. #Bankruptcy101

New York fashion week manages to bring famewhoring families back together again. So yay to fashion giving back! Melissa and Teresa both wear white – the color of surrender. And serenity. 

Teresa and Milania actually seem to have a really good time supporting Antonia, Joey, and Gino, and afterwards everyone goes to dinner where Melissa and Teresa fuss over an ill Poison. He practically grows 6″ from all the devotion to his Italian Stallion, and crows about his “two favorite women – next to his mother and his daughter” obsessing over him. I imagine Poison looks forward to the day Juicy goes to prison and is subsequently deported so he can forever bask in the attention of every beaver in Montville, NJ. 

With the cousins all laughing and having fun, Antonia admits she was more confident on the runway with Milania there to support her. Shockingly Milania behaved during the show! 

This makes Teresa realize how lucky she, Joe and Melissa are to have healthy children – especially considering everything Jacqueline and Chris have gone through and continue to with Nicholas‘ autism. Teresa wants to be honest with Jacqueline about everything that happened in their friendship to truly move on. Joey, realizing he DOES NOT want to hear about Jacqueline for the 35,000 time this week, interjects that everyone he loves is at this table. Teresa rushes over to kiss him until he’s a nothing but a big lipstick covered mound wearing a yo’boy baseball bat, which is considered the height of fashion at Envy, where shoe polish is also considered the alternative to male pattern baldness!

Siggy & Sophie

Siggy’s daughter gets detention for having her phone at school, so she again calls Jacqueline for advice. Jacqueline, who is busy perfecting her kissy-face selfies in the mirror, mumbles that Siggy has to be the mom, not the friend and take the phone away. 

Siggy lectures Sophie that there are “rules in life” which must be followed. “Should I drive naked and go through a stop sign?” she barks. Didn’t Juicy get arrested for that once!? I kid… actually I think the title of his autobiography should be ‘There Are Rules That Say I Can’t Drive Naked While Running A Stop Sign?’ Juicy Joes non-rules to keeping your license despite the unfathomable odds!

But… but… can Sophie get Dunkin’ Donuts?! PUH-LEASE – detention is hard! 

Realizing she needs to ‘connect’ with her kids, Siggy takes them to lunch at her favorite diner where the only thing on the menu are her orders. 

Siggy is shocked to learn that her children can’t relax around her, because even though she’s an over-bearing, microMOMaging nightmare from the Caroline Manzo school of child rearing, her children feel smothered.

Her kids drive the knife deeper into her heart when they reveal that their dad – the guy who sees them 2 weekends a month – attended Jacqueline’s parenting seminar on twitter – the one that teaches how be your kids BFF – so he let his 16-year-old son have friends (including girls!) over – unsupervised. I think Daddy Dumbest needs to spend a few days locked in a room with a 16 And Pregnant marathon! I can kinda see why Siggy became a control-freak, although her kids don’t understand – yet! 

Over regular fries and chop salad they subject her to an intervention. She isn’t allowed to talk for 5 minutes while they tell her everything that’s wrong with how she treats them. Siggy doesn’t even last 2 minute before interjecting! I DO think Siggy is overbearing, but her kids were way harsh. Siggy tears up and whips out a fan to cool herself down (why does she have that thing – hot flashes?!) 

Siggy intervention

Also, Siggy probably needs to take her own relationship advice – the one in her book –  because Joshua apparently has as evidenced by him saying they need to meet in the middle, not live in “Siggy’s World: You must be a slave now.” 

As Teresa does makeup for Jacqueline’s, Juicy stocks a rolley-cooler full of his bootleg wine and all the salami he stuffed down his pants last time he visited Italy. Meanwhile Milania runs around in Melissa’s former fat suit sumo wrestling the fridge. Why does Teresa have diarrhea colored walls in her bathroom? How have I never noticed this before? 

In the car Teresa rambles about being anxious to clear the air with Jacqueline to begin an honest friendship, meanwhile Jacqueline just wants to have fun and let loose. 

Neither one of those things happened, but between the Jacqueline, Teresa, Chris, and Joe they did manage to meet in the middle Siggy prescribes. The husbands had fun, and the women aired their grievances and realized that all the wine in Joe’s garage can’t put Loopy and Heckle back together again.

It’s a shame too because when the Giudices arrived both Teresa snd Jacqueline seemed really glad to see each other and Teresa and Joe were genuinely sweet to Nicholas. The husbands snuck away for salami and it seemed like the ladies would be alright, but then Teresa mentioned wanting to do away with toxic people in her life, and like a house in foreclosure with the sheriff on the stoop all the baggage just got dumped on the lawn. Teresa and Jacqueline just fell apart into an argument about who did what to whom, when, where, and why. 

Teresa struggles to communicate with Jacqueline

Teresa is a really, really bad communicator and light me on fire for saying this, but I do think she was legitimately trying to be honest and forthcoming with Jacqueline by explaining why she got so defensive back then. Which stemmed way-back to 2011 on Jacqueline’s back porch when Teresa felt ambushed after Jacqueline tried to get her to spill her legal dramas on camera. Basically Teresa was hurt that it seemed like her friend was setting her up, knowing Teresa wasn’t allowed to discuss it. Especially when Caroline swept in.

Jacqueline denies any intentional wrong-doing and since Teresa had mentioned it in a tabloid, assumed it was fair game. Jacqueline also points out that Teresa did end up in “away,” which true, but as Teresa counters, she didn’t KNOW her fate back then. Like, duh, she doesn’t have a backwards crystal ball!

Also, so what if Teresa sold a story to a tabloid to make money? They’ve all done it, Jacqueline included! As Teresa said, her “real friends,” Jacqueline included, knew what was going on, so clearly there was something fishy about Jacqueline suddenly confronting her on camera! LOW. And dirty. 

Jacqueline keeps circling back to Teresa planting tabloid stories, and Teresa keeps inarticulately rambling about ‘real friends’ and even claims Poison told her Jacqueline wasn’t one. Jacqueline has to one-up that by proclaiming how Poison told her the same thing about Teresa! Then she CALLS Joe Gorga so he can mediate their she-said/she-said tie-breaker? He tactfully extricates himself by explaining that it was said when things wasn’t so good with Teresa. And, yeah, when he was trying to be supportive of Teresa, he may have said Jacqueline wasn’t a good friend. Teresa is incensed that Jacqueline took liberties with her fambly.  

Jacqueline argues with Teresa - Again!

Teresa was reeling, but shockingly she didn’t throw any lemon water infused with yoga-time tea. She didn’t flip any granite countertops or gluten free rice makers, she just mentioned how she’s never brought up JACQUELINE’s legal issues on television. Jacqueline snaps that Teresa can’t compare their situations because her bankruptcy wasn’t fraudulent, or a criminal case. 

RELATED: JACQUELINE’S CASE STILL PENDING

Teresa is furious over Jacqueline’s “low blow,” and insists she wasn’t trying to ‘compare’ bankruptcies just point out how SHE kept confidences despite TV and friendship failures. Yet Jacqueline argues that Teresa just doesn’t like being called out.

Teresa, furious that she took time away from her family to be treated like this -especially when she just got home and can’t even have a glass of wine! – huffily announces that she’s leaving. 

Jacqueline yells about Teresa refusing to take accountability for her actions, while Teresa whines that she just “wants peace” not toxic people, and already she did her time. Jacqueline can’t stop, or won’t and even accuses Teresa of trying to blame her bankruptcy Melissa and Joe

Teresa flees

“You’re crazy!” Teresa squeals, barely restraining herself from erupting into TreHulk. “You would know,” Jacqueline taunts back. A disheartened Chris tries to figure out what happened, but Jacqueline only smirked while Teresa flapped her furry arms like a flightless bird as Juicy gulped the last of his wine and shrugged on his sausage-casing of a coat to wait for Teresa’s tantrum to sputter out. Both husbands complain about the wives ruining everything. 

Jacqueline & Chris

As Teresa storms out the door Jacqueline shouts, “If you can’t take the heat get out of MY kitchen!” Juicy decrees that Jacqueline is a bitch and Teresa should leave well-enough alone so he can drink his wine in peace. I’m sure he put Chris on his contact list for prison! #BrosBeforeWoes 

TELL US – TEAM TERESA OR TEAM JACQUELINE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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