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On last night’s Little Women: LA, Briana Renee and Matt Ericson became the proud parents of new son, Maverick Jax. But Briana isn’t out of the woods yet. Her troubled pregnancy has left her exhausted and in need of some serious recovery time. Meanwhile, the 400 other pregnant women on this show are planning a Murder Party! Because someone must die at some point on LWLA, if only in theory. There will be blood.

Elena Gant and Terra Jole are at a Russian spa getting mud masks. Neither of them have heard from Briana since she fled her pre-pop party the day before. She was having pain and, at 35 weeks pregnant, she might have been going into pre-term labor. Why are these chicks worried? Briana communicates with NO ONE when she is in a crisis, so this is nothing new. Plus, Matt does not allow her to use her phone while she’s in the hospital or otherwise. Duh. 

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Elena agrees to plan a Murder Mystery party (at Terra’s prodding), but there’s a hitch. She wants to invite everyone. Terra refuses to be the same room with Christy McGinity Gibel though. Christy’s a drug addict! Haven’t you heard!? Terra has been screaming it from the rooftops just in case people in Japan haven’t gotten wind of the news yet. Terra finally agrees that Christy can be invited because it’s a Murder Mystery after all, so the invites are “secret.” Whatever that means. Maybe someone will catch Colonel Terra in the Parlor with The Plastic Cup?

At the hospital, Briana and Matt are celebrating the birth of their baby boy, who came prematurely but weighed in at over 5 pounds and was 17 inches long. He has achondroplasia (the same form of dwarfism as Briana) and was born with some fluid on his lungs, so he has to remain in the NICU with oxygen for a bit. Matt is scared and Briana just wants to hold her son, but they both need to wait until Maverick is able to breathe on his own before he comes home. They seem exhausted, but happy. 

Some time later, Elena and Tonya Banks are out shopping. Everyone but Briana has RSVP’d for the Murder Mystery party, so it looks as if Terra and Christy will inhabit the same room after all. Speaking of Christy, she shows up shopping too, and is looking better than ever with her new highlights this year, I have to admit. Good work, Christy’s anonymous stylist! 

Elena gets right to the point of their little meeting here today. Did she tell Julie (Briana’s old publicist, Christy’s current one) about Briana’s whereabouts the day of Kerwin’s party? Did she tip off the attorney who served Briana with legal action?? Um, who needs a Murder Mystery party with detectives like these on the case. It’s like poor man’s Scooby Doo up in here with Tonya in her prison stripes and Elena sportin’ her trench shirt. Christy denies that she told Julie anything, but did know Briana would likely get served with papers…at some point. Special Agents Tonya and Elena aren’t buying it. Christy is all, “I didn’t do it, but let’s say I did…who the f**k cares!? She deserves to be served! You gotta pay your bills, period.” Agreed.

Christy is sick of people getting caught up in Briana’s grotesque mess of a life, which is entirely of her own making. Christy is “dead” to Briana, remember? She just wants to stay away from the drama, she cries, even though she misses and loves Briana. She has been cruelly iced out of the group because of Terra and Briana’s new alliance, plus her daughter and father are both going through health issues that are pushing her over the edge. The Number Zero Ladies Detective Agency backs off after Christy breaks down, lamely offering that at least she’s been invited to the Murder Mystery party. What a crock. If I were Christy, I would peace out of this nasty group forever, squealing buh-bye, b*tches! They are all #THEWORST.

Back at the hospital, Jasmine Sorge has apparently been Matt-approved to visit Briana, who claims she told all of the girls except Christy that Maverick was born. She also reveals she’s had her tubes tied! So, looks like no more babies for Briana and Matt. Jasmine gets emotional looking at little Maverick, who has tubes strapped to his tiny face. He looks so vulnerable, as these little wee ones in the NICU do, and Jasmine’s heart breaks for him. She also wonders if her new baby will be at risk for complications, which scares her. 

In a lighter scene, Tonya and Kerwin are playing ping pong to the death! A metaphor for their tumultuous relationship. Tonya’s daughter Angelique is still ill at ease about her parents getting back together, and Tonya wants to get the whole family on board to discuss it. She fills Kerwin in on Angelique’s worries, and he agrees they need to talk. But he still wonders if Tonya did just “settle” for him? He wants to make the family happy, but it doesn’t seem to be working. 

Angelique joins her parents outside for a water-bike riding romp. They all tool around for a bit, with Kerwin dragging Tonya around on his bike because she can’t reach the pedals. Little Boss is thrilled to be dragged, which is yet another metaphor for her relationships. Afterward, they sit down to talk. Angelique felt blindsided by her parents’ reunion. What will they do now to make things better? Angelique says communication is key, and Tonya agrees. At least they’re trying!

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In Joe and Terra’s car later, she drops the big news: She’s going to be on the next season of Dancing With The Stars! Her only concern is that practice starts 3 mere weeks after her C-section date, which is not ideal. Usually it’s a 6-week recovery process. She’s also scared of her dance partner’s junk bonking around in her face, given the fact that he’ll be average sized. Because, priorities. Terra refuses to let this opportunity pass by though, as she will be the first little person to ever appear on DWTS. If her doctor gives her permission, she’ll do it.

At the doctor’s office, she is given the green light to do DWTS, but her doctor is concerned. She’ll be in pain, she’ll be bleeding, she’ll be physically exerting herself to a degree that’s unwise. But she’s a grown woman, so there’s only so much he can do. Terra has been warned.

Meanwhile, Briana is thrilled with her “perfect family,” which she coos over when her daughter Leiana finally gets to meet Maverick. Ten months ago, she says she didn’t know whether her marriage would survive (and one could argue that she still has no real answer to that situation), and during her pregnancy, she didn’t even know whether she or the baby would survive. But here they are. Now, if Matt’s personality could only be replaced with that of a normal humanoid’s, they’d be all set. Oh, and some gainful employment would be nice! #DreamBig

Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that it’s time to be subjected to a Murder Mystery party. Terra doesn’t want to discuss DWTS at the party because “Crusty and Toad” are there, who might “ruin” it for her. Christy tries to greet Terra with a hug, but Terra shoots her down immediately. Good times so far. 

Everyone is seated at tables in their murdery best, then they read their “secret” envelopes that explain what their roles are and how they relate to one another. Their job is to read their parts, then play out the mystery together, figuring out who the “murderer” is along the way. I’ll save them the trouble: Matt is the killer, everyone is his victim (including the viewing audience at home). The End. 

As the latest rejects of Acme Acting Skool trot out to hype things up, the lights flicker and Kerwin literally tries to run away! But, like us, he is sadly forced to stay. Everyone questions each other and hams it up, but Terra thinks she’ll win because she’s the most competitive. Jasmine thinks she’ll win because she’s “super good at keeping secrets annnnnnnd she’s good at getting other people to spill theirs!” Okay, girl. FINALLY, you show your cards. We see you!!!

After an endless period of lame Murder Mystery-ing, Tonya decides to make it personal by joking that she’s suffering from contusions. “Oh the contusions!” she cries like a dying cow. Christy lets it roll off her back though, ultimately saving/poisoning Tonya with some lame prop. Tonya’s death scene is about as convincing as her undying love for Kerwin.

But no matter, because now Christy is her “murderer,” which makes Terra happy. The real murderer is Jasmine, though! Which is fitting, considering how gleeful she is over framing Christy. She considers it sweet revenge on Briana’s behalf. Jasmine, you are no mastermind. You are a friend whore. 

After the party, Elena admits she arranged the secret invites at Terra’s behest. Christy asks about Briana’s baby, which then gives Jasmine a chance to go into full frontal attack mode. She doesn’t understand why Christy even cares about Briana’s baby, considering she’s the one who gave info to Julie the publicist. OMG. The Murder Mystery nightmare continues!! Make. It. Stop. 

Jasmine, once the murderer, is now chief investigator in the case of Why Christy Is Such A Terrible Friend. Though her real investigation should be centered on Why Briana Has Ruined Her Own Damn Life. (HINT: Matt, Matt’s thousand schlong pics, Matt’s trysts with transgender models, Matt slandering little people, Matt existing.) 

Christy defends her relationship with Julie and denies giving any information to her regarding Briana’s whereabouts on the day she was served. Elena jumps in, which she tends to misguidedly do, screaming about Christy being sketchy. Christy is “flipping her answers around” according to Jasmine, but no one seems to be understanding the point here. Christy may not have been involved in Briana getting served, but maybe she knew about it. Who cares?

And where is Briana’s culpability in this? Do these chicks seriously think that if Mr. Attorney-With-The-Envelope didn’t find Bonnie and Clyde at Kerwin’s party, he’d be unable to find them at ANY GIVEN MOMENT otherwise? Somebody needs to flush their detective badges down the toilet. This sh*t it whack!

Now heated to her boiling point, Christy lashes out that she finds it funny that all of these so called “friends” of Briana were drinking the Matt hater-ade mere weeks ago, yet they are all suddenly 100% supportive of him now. They are the bad friends, not her. Terra defends that she just wants to move forward with Briana, but Christy went too far telling Briana’s parents about where she was during the hospital stay, not to mention the transgender crap.

Terra then snarks that Briana never interfered in Christy’s relationship with her estranged son (what the hell!?), but Christy claims she and her son are just fine. As Terra barks on and on about Christy’s son spreading her number “all over the internet” (I literally have no idea what this is all about), she then moves in for the kill. She’s convinced Christy is “medicated.” 

“You’re on serious head medication right now,” accuses Terra, piling on that Christy’s marriage sucks. Joe pipes up that Christy’s marriage is great because she “found a dude to back up her bullsh*t!” Hmm. Seems like Joe should take a look in the mirror. 

Christy, now done with this total b*tchfest, tries to defend herself one final time. But Terra won’t let her speak, finally channeling Briana as she snaps, “You are both dead to me!” as Christy and Todd gather their things and go. No one takes up for Christy as she is basically yelled out of the only party she was invited to this season.  

Crappy actors of the Murder Mystery party, take note: This is how you actually kill someone. One cruel Terra stab at a time. It is sick and twisted, and no one walks away without some blood on their hands. 

TELL US: ARE THE WOMEN BEING HYPOCRITES TURNING ON CHRISTY AND SUPPORTING BRIANA? WHO’S WORSE: TERRA OR JASMINE? 

Photo Credit: Lifetime 

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