Sigh – Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is always one step forward; two steps back. Last night, the ladies journeyed halfway across the globe, from Beverly Hills to Hong Kong, only to find themselves mired in the same old “who said it” drama. Well, it’s good to change it up a bit and fight in new settings, and the gorgeous scenery did not disappoint.
It’s a fourteen-hour flight, which means one could find themselves trapped on an airplane using Kyle Richards‘ hair kaftan as a blanket (or parachute!), or being bored to death by Eileen Davidson discussing trans-particle fusion as applied to soap villainesses and their cognitive dissonance coping skills.
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Oh, the monumental concerns of first class international travel – such as, does one’s glam squad ride in cargo with the oversized luggage, or are they small enough to be stowed under the reclining seats? Can one really stay awake through the droning chatter of Dorit Kemsley‘s social anxieties about why Erika Jayne doesn’t love her? The answer is, “no,” unless you’re Eileen, who managed to put everyone except herself asleep. I guess she’s too accustomed to the sound of her own voice.
Of course, the real excitement in any Housewives trip are the packing scenes and the annual delving into fabulous wardrobes, then exclaiming over who has the best travel wear or evening wear most appropriate for 1940’s Soviet brothels. In both cases the award goes to Erika, who manages to cover her vajaynejay in designer silk, all of which is curated and bound in a special flip book by Lead Glam, Mikey. But, seriously fabulous though Erika may look, who exactly does she think she is? Mariah? Girl, simmer down – your wardrobe ain’t that important!
The reason for the Hong Kong trip is Lisa Vanderpump‘s participation in a documentary about the horrors of Yulin. Naturally, she packs with several furry friends trailing their furries on her McQueen. I’m sure Lisa will savor every strand, and sniff it throughout the five long, dark dogless days; bemoaning her singleness and her lack of canine cuddles.
Lisa Rinna talks to her dog like it’s a shrink. Lipsa’s craziness has reached such levels even Lola the Lab realizes it’s pointless and goes to sniff her butt away from the wardrobe.
Across the valley, Dorit looks through her expansive closet and wonders what garb could possibly upstage the stylistic excitements of Madame Jayne. The answer: nothing. Not even Dorit’s extensive knowledge of Hong Kong, gleaned during the brief period she was employed doing something other than a trophy wife, could upstage the glamour that radiates from Erika‘s pore-less pores. Poor, Poor, Pitiful Dorit.
To Hong Kong they go. LVP finds herself ensconced in the presidential suite with her omnipresent first mate Kyle. The rest of the ladies are separated so they can’t conspire, whisper, or enable each other into eating the entire chocolate tower. They meet later that evening for drinks.
Erika arrives at the table in 1940’s victory rolls. That’s a hairstyle. She seats her fantastic fur-sleeved self right next to the gushing and awestruck Dorit, who cannot help exclaiming over her good fortune of Erika choosing her. Imagine! Erika is so trolling Dorit’s insecurities and it’s kinda great. At least until next week when the shiny platitudes of Erika’s veneer crack like an improperly stored porcelain doll. But for now, Erika is on top.
Seriously, Dorit is so desperate for Erika to like her that Erika cannot allow herself to like Dorit on principle. Dorit needs to accept that Erika isn’t overly approachable. She’s no Lipsa or Kyle. She’s robotic, and if Dorit wants to connect with Erika, I think she just has to let time do the dirty work and back off. I mean, it worked for Erika’s relationship with LVP.
The true crazy of the evening is Eden Sassoon, who announces that she’s arranged to meet her Catfish in NYC. Eden bought the online model from London a plane ticket to NYC and rented ONE hotel room, in which she plans to meet him in person for the first time lying naked on the bed. The other ladies are aghast – has Eden never watched a Lifetime Movie?! This guy could be a killer. He could be seducing wealthy heiresses to mangle the jewels right off their fingers.
Eden isn’t worried because her good vibe juju, which she regularly deposits into her Love Jar, and all her hippie-dippie-happy mantras and Pilates power planks have told her that London is a good place to go. Besides, what if she turns out to be the killer in this equation and actually kills him? Ergo, instead of watching Lifetime Movies for education purposes, Eden will become the subject of one as a cautionary tale of how pretty, wacky blonde women sometimes turn out to be coldblooded murderers, too. How refreshing. If only because of the look on Kyle’s face. She was so shocked her skin was able to override the effects of Botox to register emotion.
After that lovely and uplifting tale of women’s empowerment, LVP reminds the women why they are on this fabulous trip – to stop Yulin. She’s recording a voice over for the documentary the following day and invites everyone along to watch but warns the graphic images are disturbing and disgusting.
Kyle couldn’t be bothered – she’s seen all that before and she went on LVP’s little walk last year, so she and Erika are going shopping instead. Dorit is bothered by this and informs all the women that LVP is the exalted champion of furry friends and deserves their love, support, and eternal praise. But Chanel Resort Wear has kaftans this collection – and nothing comes between a Kyle and her Kaftan!
The next morning while Lipsa and Eileen are breaking open the chocolate tower, Dorit comes barging in dressed like Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. Did she remember her unmentionables?! This is a great segue, though, because Lipsa’s basic bitch instincts have informed her that Dorit is telling lies about Lipsa’s bag of pills and implying she could possibly have a little problem with Xanax.
On the other hand, Eileen‘s instincts have told her that she should attend LVP‘s documentary project because it could be an opportunity to bond. Also, LVP’s passion
finally has Eileen seeing her nemesis in a different light and with a new respect. Well, I like this. Dogs make people happier and furry friends bring other friends together! “See – I told you she’s nice,” as reported by Kyle.
Back to the subject at hand, which is Lipsa and Dorit. First, Lipsa explains how she was told by an unnamed source that Dorit had a conversation in Mexico which misrepresented Lipsa’s bag of pills and her many uses of them. Dorit denies this, then promptly demands to know who told Lipsa about this. That’s when Lipsa suddenly claims that no one told her, per se, she just had a “sixth sense” that Dorit was spreading half-truths. But Dorit, dog with bone style, keeps pressing Lipsa to reveal who told her because she is certain that she portrayed the pills as a funny incident, not a serious problem.
The funniest thing is that Dorit insists she can’t remember precisely what was said, she’s just sure it’s not what Lipsa is accusing her of saying. Didn’t we JUST have this exact same conversation in regards to Lipsa not being able to recall what damning things she possibly said about Kim Richards? Sigh…
Well, in LVP’s room, Kyle drops by for a visit. The phone rings, annnnd it’s Eileen. In what was a super classy, revitalizing move that was also very adult, Eileen calls LVP to say that she wants to come to the Yulin filming, but given that LVP is so passionate and emotional about the cause, Eileen doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable with her presence – since they’ve had their little issues and all. LVP, impressed and respectful, welcomes Eileen along. Was that progress?! Why yes it was!
At the documentary, it is Eileen’s turn to be impressed and gain a new respect for LVP and they actually share an only semi-awkward hug after LVP records her voice over. Good for you ladies for using this important issue to gain a new perspective on each other. LVP sees this as a pitter patter in the right direction in her acquaintanceship with Eileen, and Eileen has a renewed understanding of LVP’s ways. That’s one small paw print for frienemies, one giant Rumpy Pumpy leap for Housewives.
Lipsa and Eden ride a tram to Hong Kong’s highest peak, while Kyle and Erika perambulate around the park and find themselves discussing mothers and the ways they fail their children. Erika shares the impact of her trip to Atlanta and how much it meant to receive an apology and an admission from her mom. Erika believes her mother’s strict, emotionless parenting has made her distant from other women – she’s always expecting the worst: critiques, judgement, and hash comments. Which is why she only feels comfortable playing off women’s insecurities by throwing her patted puss in their faces as Erika Jayne, Panty-less On The Prowl Patrol?
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Of course, no conversation with Kyle can take place without Kyle co-opting it and making it about Kyle and the ways Kyle is affected. Erika’s mama drama is no different. Kyle went to a psychic (yes, really…) who relayed a message from Big Kathy that Kyle is not responsible for Kim, and that Big Kathy knows she wasn’t always the best mom, like Kyle is. And did Lil Kathy Hilton get such inspirational and positive messages from Kyle’s psychic too?!
Kyle literally sobs over these words that came directly from her mom, through the psychic, as if Big Kathy actually said them to Kyle herself. Then Kyle admits that well, perhaps, just maybe, you know, her mom kinda sucked – she forced them to work as toddlers, she was sort of an outright bitch, and Kyle has forgotten how terrible Big Kathy was to Kim which turned her into KimKillah Rambles Richards.
So, um, a psychic convinced Kyle to get real with herself? That’s impressive. Truly, after all the years of Kyle pretending about her idyllic childhood and her loving, supportive mom (which we all know wasn’t reality), it’s nice to hear her address the truth just a teeny, tiny bit. Because no perfect mom spawns the rise of Paris Hilton or the vengeful fortitude of Rambles.
On the tram to high, high peaks, Lipsa gets high on life and confides to Eden – again – that her monolithic ever-faithful sixth sense warned her that Dorit is implying she’s a drug addict. Eden has an ah-hah! moment that Dorit did posit that Lipsa couldn’t recall the awful things she said about Rambles because she may have been “impaired.” Lipsa scoffs that Dorit is a “pussy” for not owning what she said.
Basically, either it’s producers planting a seed in Lipsa’s mind, but she’s just absolutely horrible at working this into the story line, or someone who was present in Mexico – ahem ERIKA! – spilled the beans. And now Lipsa is hoping Eden will give some credence to her opinions, and that way, Lipsa has confirmation without having to ‘out’ Erika as the teller.
Eden is such a gullible little stooge. Or maybe that’s part of her serial killer act? That, and the weird hair antennas she fastened on the top of her head.
Later, the ladies prepare to get on a “Junk Boat,” which is apparently the perfect place to dump one’s social junk. Before they’re halfway through their first glass of wine, Dorit demands to know who told Lipsa how she allegedly called her a druggie. Of course, Dorit definitely can’t remember saying any such thing about Lipsa, so therefore it can’t be true that she did say it.
Often, Dorit “can’t recall” things she’s said. Also, this is the same woman who emphatically insisted that she believed Lipsa said Kim was near death, etc. because she could “see Lisa Rinna saying it” and said it was complete malarkey that Lipsa claimed to not remember saying those things. I’m not on Lipsa’s side, cause she talks a ton of crazy spew and is dressed like Michael Jackson on this boat trip, but I do find it ironic that Dorit now finds herself in the exact same situation.
Even more ridiculous though is how Lipsa now insists that no one actually told her about the conversation in Mexico, she just knows there was a conversation in Mexico, which she learned about through her sixth sense, aka Kyle’s psychic friend. That’s when Erika suddenly remembers that exact conversation and how Dorit definitely implied there was something a bit amiss with Lipsa’s pill baggie. All of the sudden, Dorit is also able to accurately recall, word for word, what she said, which is that she was adamant that she thought pills were funny and she and Lipsa laughed over it – not that Lipsa has a problem. Erika remembers things differently. And what Erika knows is that she doesn’t like bullshitters.
Yet she’s friends with the hustling hustler and selling patted pusses?
Personally, I’m hoping it was LVP who told Lipsa, ready to exploit that little manipulation accusation with an ‘Oh yeah… now watch THIS!’ And seriously – why is no Housewife hawking Xanax Smoothies on the Bravo Home Shopping Network yet?
So here we go again! Can no one remember anything on RHOBH?! World, this is your brain on Botox. Use sparingly or suffer from spastic, sporadic, often imprecise and precarious memory lapses, incapable of interpersonal conversation skills.
TELL US – WHO TOLD LIPSA? DID EILEEN MAKE THE RIGHT MOVE IN SUPPORTING LVP AT THE YULIN DOCUMENTARY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]