Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Atlanta, and things are all a’crazy in the great big blender of Bravo. First of all NeNe Leakes has made her triumphant return to claim her crown has the queen of the peaches. That’s what she thinks anyway. Also, Kenya Moore is FINALLY married. Hallelujah – Jesus exists.
Phaedra Parks is sadly no longer with us after she threw herself a Phuneral By Phaedra with her epic lie about Kandi Burruss last season. Which means Porsha Williams is allllll by her-seeeelf. No Frick, only Frack. Just a girl and her Hennessey and the menz will soon follow, or something!
Kandi continues her quest for world domination with fried chicken. And like fried chicken, everybody wants a piece of Kandi! Her life has become like one of Aunt Bertha‘s sweet potato pies – cut in a million different slices with no one getting a big enough slice. The OLG Restaurant is going great – so long as Kandi is there. Apparently no one is visiting for a Mama Joyce sighting – or they’re afraid she’ll spit in their food.
Kandi’s kids also need her more, but Kandi is so busy running her multiple businesses while trying to launch an Xscape reunion that she’s suffering from major mom guilt. Todd is happy, though, because somehow their chicken is fried in marijuana and selling like pot brownies? Confusing metaphor, but I’m glad Kandi and Todd are doing well, and at least she’s too busy to dwell on all the drama that happened with Phaedra and Porsha!
Cynthia Bailey decided to make turning 50 into a year long celebration of Cynthianess. This means multiple birthday parties. On the first month of being 50, my ex-true love gave to me… a leaf blower loudly. The latest celebration of Cyntastica is a ‘Being Cynthia party’ where all the ladies have to dress up as Cynthia in various stages of her past. Can’t she just do a 12 months of Cyn calendar or something? Why do I have the feeling NeNe is jealous she didn’t think of this idea first?
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Maybe all this is to avoid thinking about her divorce, which she’s clearly not over. Cynthia meditates by blowing leaves from the vast isolated property of Lake Bailey. Out there she has a lot of time to think about blowing her Peachter Past right into the water. Then crashing through the gates like the Loch Nest Monster comes NeNe, back with a vengeance. Oh NeNe… Is it just me or does NeNe’s face look a wee-bit different? Also, why is she wearing so many ruffles… subliminal messaging that she’s planning to ruffle a lot of feathers?
NeNe certainly is back, but Kenya’s surprise Instagram wedding upstaged her arrival. BLOOP! Kenya surprised everyone with her wedding – even her dad who found out about it from a FACEBOOK POST. Seriously lady – you are too old to be acting 16! To repay the the favor, Cynthia
ambushes surprises Kenya with NeNe when she shows up at Lake Bailey for a celebratory drink.
Apparently Kenya met a man named “Baby“ 8 months, no 6, errrrm… actually 4 months ago and no one’s really sure who he is, where he comes from, how they met, or what his name is. Just like all of Kenya’s previous relationships this too has a shadowy past and nebulous, difficult to follow story. Can’t Krayonce just get on E-Harmony like everyone else?! No – she has to invent some shenanigans and be all weirdly coy and post her drama on social media. In fact none of her so-called friends found out her husband’s name until she revealed that too on Instagram.
NeNe immediately points out the absurdity that Cynthia is supposedly Kenya’s very good friend, yet she’s never met her man and Kenya only refers to him, mysteriously, as “baby”? Cynthia doesn’t care, though, she’s happy for Kenya. One marriage crashes (hers) another is born. Personally I think having a husband named Baby is better than having one named “African Prince.”
Cynthia makes a toast to “Mr & Mrs. BABY?!” and then Kenya reveals that she and “Baby” are currently trying to decide where to live. She might actually *gasp* leave Moore Manor. Because of the Ghosts of rent-a-boyfriends past which haunt its open-concept baseboard-less halls. So Kenya bought, renovated and is likely moving out of a house before Sheree Whitfield has completely finished Chateau Sheree? #SheBySheBroke.
NeNe isn’t the only person annoyed by the top secret nuptials, like Kenya is Crown Princess of NigerianPrinces.com, Kandi is annoyed too. She saw SOME people got to attend – at least that’s what Instagram showed – why not her?
The situation with Kenya’s husband, who we now know is called Marc Daly, seems a little bit sketchy, right? NO ONE has met him – not even her dad! Kenya didn’t invite him to her elopement because she was afraid he might say something to set her husband off, and Kenya knows her husband would react badly. Huh? Red flag to anyone else? She seems so happy though!
Later Kenya calls her dad in the car to explain that he wasn’t invited after he “warned” her to be careful about running into a premature marriage with a man she essentially just met, because Kenya thought he wouldn’t be able to handle her wedding. Seriously Kenya?! Just no girl. As always, though, her father was rational and supportive, and Kenya cried with disappointment that she didn’t have her father walk her down the aisle. Sounds like pulling a NeNe by cutting off your nose to spite your face! But, I guess that means she’ll have to have another wedding – this one on Bravo and paid for accordingly! With Cynthia and Kandi as bride-maids, obviously!
On the other side of town, Porsha launched a podcast, which consists of her sitting around slurping Hennessy and spilling it on herself while dispensing advice. Don’t people get enough of her spouting off on Dish Nation? Apparently not. Also, who wants life advice from Porsha of all people? Who is that desperate?! Porsha hosts the podcast with her sister, Lauren, and her cousin, because after Phaedra’s betrayal, she doesn’t trust people who aren’t family. Except Phaedra texted her on her birthday and told her she looked sexy, so I mean maybe she deserves another chance. But no NEW friends. New friends are bad!
Porsha should make all potential new pals sign a friend-nup! Anyway, Porsha now has a new highly-evolved understanding about why Phaedra used her as collateral as the only way she could handle the Kandi situation. Instead Porsha is transferring all her anger onto NeNe after she went on WWHL and announced that both Phaedra and Porsha should be fired.
Across town, Sheree visits NeNe’s new boutique. It’s not elegant and sophisticated like Sheree’s boutique was, but then again neither is NeNe. At least NeNE HAS a boutique! Sheree’s job is what again? What happened to Body By Sheree? Or She By Sheree? Or any sort of Gainful Employment by Sheree especially since there are no more What About Bob checks!
Obviously no one wants to talk about Sheree’s finances – just yet – instead the topic is all about Phaedra and Porsha – mostly Porsha. It turns out NeNe doesn’t really care what Porsha did to Kandi, she’s actually upset that two-years-ago she gave Porsha advice to stop assaulting people, but Porsha didn’t take that advice. Now she can’t be friends with Porsha anymore. Sheree is like, so… what… ? Then she’s like OH! Wait! Something to get messy over! So Sheree hatches a plan to bring Porsha and NeNe back together again.
Sheree and Porsha go wig shopping together for Cynthia’s party, but Porsha is distracted by almost buying a man’s wig to complete her Cynthia costume. Um, doesn’t Porsha OWN a wig line? Also Porsha is pissed that NeNe announced on national TV that she should be fired. So you know Sheree’s plan isn’t gonna go over well.
Right before the party Cynthia calls Peter and he told her he’s not coming. She’s emotional because she considers Peter her best friend and she wants all her best friends at her 7th? 8th? – whatever – celebration of 50 Cyn. This momentous occasion does deserve some Peachter – how could he again ditch her for his ‘business’ in Charlotte. Noelle advises Cynthia to disengage, so Cynthia puts on a bright yellow dress and decides to channel sunshine on a cloudy day. It might’ve worked if not for the storm clouds brewing in her a guest list!
The tension at the party is so palpable Malorie almost bust out of her Current-Look Cynthia Jumpsuit. NeNe came dressed as a new age guru – maybe to remind everyone how they must respect and revere her? But it’s Kandi, wearing soda cans and a bustier, who wins an actual TROPHY for best ‘Faux Cynthia’ homage. Really? A Being Cynthia Pageant? Girl… soon your head will get so big it won’t fit in any of those wigs!
Kandi is not speaking to Porsha. Porsha decided to let that situation simmer a bit because no one is ready to address it. It’s not clear if she’s ever actually apologized, but Kandi is not over it – as she shouldn’t be – and she may have soda cans rolled into her hair to double as a protective headgear. Just in case! She also had a phone as part of her costume, in case she needs to dial 911? She refuses to be socially fake with Porsha, so she huddles in the ‘We Hate Porsha’ corner with NeNe and Kenya. Yes, strangely, finally – NeNe and Kandi are friendly. [eyeroll]
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Sheree wore sneakers probably to make it easier to run back and forth in hopes of reuniting these fractured friendships. Apparently Sheree can no longer stand living with tension and toxicity. She’s alone in this. Nobody else seems to notice probably because they’re so used to it by now.
Sheree’s plan is to have NeNe and Porsha talk through their hurt feelings. Except they’re on different timelines and wavelengths. Porsha wants to go back 3 weeks ago to that time NeNe said she should be fired, which NeNe denies saying despite VIDEO EVIDENCE; and NeNe wants to go back 2 years to that time Porsha snubbed her advice. Also, NeNe lied to Sheree and insists she never said Porsha should be fired. Except Porsha, you know, happened to watch that episode of Watch What Happens Live – as did we all, so why would NeNe lie? The curse of Real Housewives and their curious concepts of truth!
Has NeNe really been nursing a grudge for 2 years over a girl she supposedly was only trying to help? Is she really gonna deny saying Porsha should be fired when she’s said it multiple times? Yes. Yes, she is. I gotta hand it to Porsha – she had NO qualms about tackling the big guns in episode one and dismissively called NeNe “so f–king fake” to her face.
NeNe stomped away because she will not be disrespected. The funny thing is no one even noticed! “She must think my lips are perched and I’m gonna kiss her big ass,” snarks Porsha. Clearly not!
TELL US – DOES NENE OWE PORSHA AN APOLOGY? OR DOES PORSHA OWE NENE ONE? DO YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT KENYA’S MARRIAGE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]