On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta most of the ladies shocked me by putting on their big girl panties and behaving like actual adults. It was like visiting the Twilight Zone with the elegant, sophisticated ladies of Sheree Whitfield‘s dreams.
Porsha Williams finally learned the meaning of the word “accountability” and Cynthia Bailey realized if there’s one thing she discovered in her disastrous co-dependency with NeNe Leakes it’s to honor the friend contracts of her heart. Also, Marlo Hampton may have the best wardrobe, but she and her cat eye glasses are as messy as a litter box and need to be dumped!
You know what I despise about Housewives, how they’ll be in a gorgeous restaurant, all dressed up, then ruin it before the food even arrives! NeNe thinks Porsha deserves to be punished for what she did to NeNe Kandi Burruss. And that punishment is THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
So NeNe made like her bun and fled. While everyone else ushered a furious NeNe from the restaurant (and Marlo bun-sat to keep it attached), like the good handlers she expects them to be, only Sheree stayed behind with Porsha.
Back in her room, NeNe continued exploding and accused Porsha of all the things SHE herself has done! NeNe is mad that Porsha “lies to your face” and won’t take accountability – pretty hilarious considering that the argument was over NeNe announcing on national TV that she would fire Porsha. Do I think that was on par with say NeNe actually calling Andy Cohen to try and get Porsha fired? No, but how can NeNe deny something, when IT’S ON TEEVEE?! The other women titter and laugh at NeNe popping off about how insane it is to think that she needs anger management. I think NeNe needs to spend a good long time listening to Man In The Mirror while looking in the actual mirror – and I don’t just mean because of the disappearing nose situation.
The thing is, that NeNe believes because she helped Porsha so long ago, Porsha is eternally in her debt, so anything rude NeNe says or does, doesn’t count. But Porsha ain’t nobody’s little sister no more – she’s her own grown woman! Basically, NeNe doesn’t want to be considered anyone’s peer and will try to mercilessly check anyone who tries to treat her equally. She did this to Kandi back in the day too, but now it seems Kandi is going along to get along because she doesn’t like Porsha either.
Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Sheree feels bad that she put Porsha in this situation (no she doesn’t) and Porsha cries because everyone is always trying to knock her down and she’s never been around women like this. Um, hasn’t she been on this show for four seasons now?
The next day, Sheree frets about the activities – they were supposed to sight see all together, but now that both NeNe and Kandi aren’t speaking to Porsha, and NeNe might actually rip Porsha’s head off. Sheree decides she, Porsha, Cynthia, and Marlo will stick together while NeNe goes with Kandi and Kenya Moore. Apparently, Marlo and Cynthia want to have a heart-to-heart with Porsha about how to re-enter NeNe’s good graces. The answer is simple: apologize and pretend that NeNe never did anything wrong.
And, just for the record: “upset” and “angry” are different things!
Apparently, in order to see things clearly in this group, you must wear the most ridiculous, goofy eye wear. Porsha’s had false eyebrows attached to them, drawn on with sharpies, (I know they were Prada) and Marlo had these crystal cat-eyed Gucci’s that were too small so she kept having to squint – they were sensational though. Maybe Cynthia Bailey Eyewear better step it up a notch!
On the trolley to Fisherman’s Wharf, Kenya becomes emotional about her grandmother’s passing. Very quietly, Porsha asks Kenya “Are you doing OK?” Then underneath her massive, dark cartoon sunglasses, the real Porsha slithers out, tears slip down her cheeks as she excuses herself. Just as everyone was about to mock her, Cynthia went to investigate leaving the other women speechless. Through the streets of San Fran, we discovered that Porsha actually has a heart. Like somewhere deep inside her plastic, blinking doll exterior is a person learning how maturity works. It’s hard adulting! Porsha feels bad that the women aren’t able to be there for each other. She recently lost her uncle and understands Kenya’s pain, and she wishes all the pettiness could stop.
Of course, Cynthia makes this all about NeNe and tells Porsha if she wants to rebuild her relationships she has to pretend all the nonsense with NeNe never happened. Which means PORSHA has to just rise above NeNe’s obnoxious bad behavior. Porsha accepts this advice, but then, looking at Cynthia realizes she doesn’t want to be her. All beige and sweet and always walking on eggshells.
So, what happens instead is that Porsha forges her own path. She stops giving into peer pressure and makes her own decisions about what it means to ‘take accountability’ and instead of apologizing to NeNe or trying to make things right, she approaches Kandi, then Kenya. More on that later.
After her little chat with Porsha on the trolley, Cynthia decides to go to Fisherman’s Wharf with Team NeNe, which means Marlo and Sheree are stuck with Porsha in Chinatown. I guess that equates to being lowest Housewives on the totem pole over at Bravo. Porsha loves Chinatown – it’s just like being in Japan! Like, she saw some Pokemon battling each other over by the plastic Louis Vuittons, which are just as real!
Porsha and Marlo decide to do something fun for Kenya – like hosting a mock re-wedding because no one was invited to Kenya’s “real” wedding. I don’t really remember whose idea this was, but they want to raise Kenya’s spirits after her grandmother’s passing by making fun of her marriage on the day before she has to go to the funeral? SHAAAADY.
Over in Fisherman’s Wharf, everyone is fishing for info about Sheree’s man! NeNe reveals that he’s a conman who stole $4 million. Kandi worries about the fate of Chateau Sheree ending up in his dubious hands, but Kenya reassures her that Chateau Thelma isn’t even Sheree’s to steal. Ouch. She also suggests the FBI do some investigation. Oh no.
Sheree, Porsha, and Marlo plan Kenya’s faux-wedding, and they call NeNe to get the other girls in on it. They decide not to tell Cynthia because she won’t approve of their shady tactics and will ruin the surprise.
The biggest bit of shade was over Marc. Kenya’s husband, whom no one has met or seen, was obviously not invited, although Marlo pretended he was coming. And then Porsha unveiled a life-sized cardboard cutout of “Mock Marc” with question mark for his face. Because obviously Kenya’s marriage, and her man, is a big ol’ QUESTION MARC.
That night, with the conference room of the Radisson filled with gay men Porsha found on the street – literally – dressed in their jeans and sneakers, and a cardboard cut-out of Question Marc, Kenya was whisked to her future of defending another relationship.
Marriage really has changed Kenya; softened her and stablized her, because instead of flipping out and seeing this for the shady shittiness it was, she rolled with it. She said her vows to the cardboard pretend man – I guess she’s used to all those fake practice rounds by now – and she laughed at the stuffed King and Twirl, and was a good sport. As she said “I Do” to this marriage made of paper and Instagram photos, Question Marc collapsed. Porsha was in charge of managing him, so no wonder!
The good feelings of love and maturity must have seeped into Porsha because afterwards she approached Kandi and sincerely apologized for the role she played in RapeGate, and she explained that she understands that Kandi can’t forgive her. It was all very civil. Right down to Kandi’s admittance that she just wants to be able to get along with Porsha in public, which Porsha accepted and then walked away. WHO ARE THESE WOMEN?
The next day, Sheree stuffs them on a bus for an hour, then a train, all to transport them to a winery where surely drama will erupt from all that being stuck together and not able to escape while drinking. It usually works!
On the train, Porsha ends up sitting with Kandi and Kenya, and they make polite conversation about life. Porsha discusses her decision to become vegan and laughs it off when Kandi mentions that Porsha had gotten “chunky.” Then Kenya tells them all about her lovely amazing Marc, who basically wants her to be a 1950’s housewife and any person other than herself.
OK. NOW… I am happy for Kenya that she’s happy, but is anyone else getting red flags? Everything Kenya is saying reminds Porsha of Kordell and his Kontrollingness, which we all know ended badly! You cannot turn a Housewife into a housewife, as they say!
According to Kenya, she has to censor her comments, not complain, always smile and nod, make dinner, be a traditional ‘woman’ – not be too opinionated – yet have her own money, put Marc first, and yes – it’s a big, ol question mark about just how wonderful this Marc actually is. Like why did they do a secret wedding? Why is she so afraid for her friends to meet him?
Over at the other table, NeNe is throwing jabs about all the stocks Sheree’s man stole. She sets her straight that it was securities fraud, not stock fraud, and then Kandi visits to fill them in on Porsha’s apology. Around NeNe everyone cackles and laughs and pretends that there is no hope of Porsha deserving a another chance because THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
One might think Porsha and Kenya, left to their own devices, could only end in someone being scalded with hot tea or stabbed with a stiletto, or worse being thrown from the train, but instead Porsha mentions that she knows it’s time for her to take accountability. Kenya comments that sometimes Porsha leads with defensiveness and therefore doesn’t absorb what people are trying to say. Whether she agrees or not, Porsha shockingly takes this constructive criticism. It was nice. It was also hilarious to see NeNe lead her table like bickering hissy high school girls, while Porsha the “immature little sister” acted like an adult. Life is long and people are crazy, right y’all!
By the time they reach the vineyard and meet Randy, with his fluid interpretations on faithfulness, to stomp some grapes, everyone is laughing and having fun – especially after a demonstration from Marlo on how to pick the grapes from a man’s vine using only your lips. Kenya leaves early to catch a red eye to Detroit for the funeral. She leaves with hugs and support – and the erroneous belief that these women are friends who truly care about her. Well, at least Cynthia is legit!
Dinner starts out nicely, Sheree gives Kandi a toast for landing an Essence cover, and NeNe does her best to try to swallow those sour grapes (see what I did there), but we saw her face. Then Kandi reveals that while she was in NYC for the photo shoot they drove by Marc’s restaurant. Kandi didn’t stop because she knew how angry Kenya would get, and Kandi thinks it’s weird that Kenya is being so evasive about her true love! It is weird!
This all prompted Marlo, wearing a fortune teller’s scarf on her head, to ask who believes Kenya’s marriage is real. She predicts it’s not! Thankfully, no one else raised their hand in agreement, but it was all there in their eyes that Kenya’s ‘friends’ don’t believe her. And maybe even Cynthia questions what’s going on?!
Cynthia is supposed to be Kenya’s BFF yet she was excluded from the wedding (as was Kenya’s family!), and even worse – still hasn’t met Marc! The gist of it is, that given given all the scrutiny Kenya has gotten over her fake men, why isn’t she showing Marc off? Or he’s hiding her?
Cynthia got so upset she stomped right out of the room, because she doesn’t want to hear all this negativity when Kenya is so happy. Did Kenya and Cynthia sign something stronger than a friend contract? NeNe made Cynthia come back inside like a good little Housewife, and Cynthia explains her feelings, then admits that yes – she is hurt that she’s being excluded, but honors that Kenya has her reasons for hiding Question Marc, whatever those reasons may be!
TELL US – IS CYNTHIA OVER-REACTING OR BEING A GOOD FRIEND? IS PORSHA GROWING UP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
