Last night was the rather lackluster Below Deck reunion. It turns out, that despite the ENTIRE SEASON FOCUSING ON THIS, nobody really hates Jen Howell (except Kyle Dixon, but that just seemed silly). At least we got the satisfaction of Captain Lee Rosbach telling Nico Scholly how much he sucks. Cause he did (and does).
Nico brought the full package of his douche-holery to the WWHL reunion stage, where he feathered his bangs like a late 90’s Tom Cruise, and acted just as smarmy. Nico regrets that he was caught acting like a self-absorbed, immature, jerk on camera, which he claims was a reaction to his grief. Perhaps, but Lee isn’t buying it. He straight up calls Nico “childish” and tells him he never would have promoted him had he known what was going on behind the scenes. But then later Lee says he’d include Nico in his Fantasy Below Deck All Star A$$holes Draft picks. So which is it – do you Nico, or do you not Nico, Lee?
Lee is most furious by Nico’s behavior towards of EJ Jansen and his inability to take responsibility, but the rest of us are riled up over Nico’s treatment of the poor unsuspecting landlocked Melissa. I feel less bad for Brianna Adekeye, who knew Nico had a dockside lady, even if she claimed to have no idea how serious it was when she started playing her ukulele in Nico’s erogenous zones.
Karma though, because Nico basically admitted that he used Bri for “support” during his difficult time. She was his lifeboat and lifesaver, and then when he caught his breath, he swam back home to Melissa.
The funniest thing was watching Nico try to squirm out of admitting that Melissa dumped him once the season started airing and she witnessed all his lying and sneaking around with Bri.
Bri is so strange. I don’t buy her ‘free spirit act,’ because no self-respecting free spirit rocks that much contour on a WWHL stool like a wannabe Kardashian. Bri was also strangely pissy to nearly everyone last night. She is still not over Jen’s Yachterella tantrums, she was miffed that Kate Chastain ‘promoted’ her to second stew, because Bri believed she was always second stew, and, although she claims to be unbothered by Nico openly admitting to using her, she kept checking and balancing everything with qualifiers. We all heard her say that Nico’s relationship was not her problem, so why is she now backtracking by insinuating he led her on? Girl you played the hoochie on TV, now own it! Whatever – at least her dress was pretty. And no matter now because she’s in love with someone she’s not dating who is an Irish musician.
Also in love was EJ. His biggest regret of the seasons is not kissing Baker Manning. Baker, as it turns out, is the step-niece of Thomas Ravenel, which is the perfect amount of familial connection one wants to have with Thomas. (Basically none). EJ explains that he did push-ups next to Baker, instead of on top of her, because A) he was her boss; and B) he was scared she might eat him alive and he is but a poor, timid, sweet Ned Flanders adrift in the ocean of his own awkwardness. Now though – now that she is sitting next to him, looking so hot and feline, yet still charming, he pines for a second chance. Well, take it, dude! Everyone is basically forcing them off the stage and out into a NYC date night.
After all the drama with Nico was ironed out (so unsatisfactory you’d think Jen did the ironing), Andy focuses on what a horrible, no good, very bad season it was for Kate. Poor Kate: so sad; so bad! Kate, although she doesn’t think she’ll ever work with Jen in yachting again, reveals that they’re actually “good friends” in real life! HUH? This makes no sense to an extremely invested Kyle, who is sort of scarily enraged by everything Jen does! He is Kate’s ardent defender whether she wants him or not. He needs to go back to the Arctic fishing boat with his man tribe. Cause dude, really, no one cares what you think. Least of all Kate!
Did anyone else think Kate’s dress looked like a low-budget Little Mermaid costume?
Jen actually did a 180 from Jen of the high seas, when she did this thing called accountablity. I’d like to know who’s accountable for the metallic skunk stripes she had drawn around her inner-eyes, cause that was Bratz Doll territory. Should I assume her daughter did her makeup?
Jen admits that her banter with Kate walked – and often crossed – a very thin line of unprofessionalism, and she apologizes for that whole whore comment. Kate, likewise, apologizes for making jokes at Jen’s expense in front of guests. No surprise Lee backs Kate all the way to end of the earth. Whatever Kate does is golden. Kate is the wind in the sails of all motor yachts (Yes, I know yachts don’t have sails, but go with me here). Blah, blah, blah.
What is Kyle’s deal, though? Like, all his yelling and griping about how Jen isn’t a real friend to Kate, his fake outrage over her behavior for charter season, and all his fury over her using the word “bitch.” Dude – SHUT UP. Like Kate said, you were there for all of 16 seconds and for 15.5 of those seconds, you were pointless. Kyle seems to blame Jen for his being trapped in the arctic. Then he complains that she plays victim, except who’s playing victim now with their whining that no one believes him that Jen is a liar.
Well, Bri believes him, but her credibility got shot by fraternizing with Nico! Bri describes working with Jen as challenging and she’s still irritated. Strangely, Captain Lee said he’d consider working with Jen again, and Kate actually praises Jen for keeping the humor alive while they were trapped in close quarters. Oh, is that what you call her inability to work a washing machine? Kate denies that Jen was her worst stew because that honor is bestowed upon Rocky Dakota. And that unsurprisingly was also Kate’s worst season of Below Deck. Am I the only one who kinda loved Rocky?! (Hides head in shame).
Bruno Duarte couldn’t be there in person because of “Visa issues” – whatever that means – but he joins from Skype where he now looks as buff as an MMA Fighter and is engaged to a man. He’s still not confirmed gay though because labels are so last year.
Interestingly, EJ admits that he would’ve fired Bruno over Chris Brown, because Bruno was so entitled but Chris had potential. Lee does not agree with this assessment, but Kate does. She did not want Bruno’s input on how she does anything. Kate doesn’t want anyone’s input on anything period. Which is probably why she never told Captain Lee about how unprofessional Jen was. If Lee had known there would’ve been disciplinary action for Jen. With a witness! Like what? Boat marshaled and forced to do jail time in the life jacket locker? Yacht politics are so strange!
Back to Bruno, Kate thinks he’d be a better stew than a deckhand, although she would never work with his disrespectful trifling, yet artfully sculpted and toned, ass. Yes, people, Kate would rather work with Jen again than Bruno. Kate and Jen have a bond, and they were so much fun together and laughing so hard, and Bri felt so left-out of their intimate connection that she had to console herself with Nico. OK, seriously, what show was this bonding and hilarious Jen/Kate banter happening on, cause I must’ve missed it? I only saw unprofessional messiness, whining, and Kate being her usual bitchy self.
Kyle wasn’t on that show either, and the dude is still pissy that he’s left out. He’s also still enraged that Jen used a clean fork to taste his gravy. He should be lucky anyone wants to get near his gravy bits! Kyle (Kyle!) even has the audacity to lecture Jen on manners, before interrupting her constantly and being completely snarky. (Although, yes, Jen, you do need some manners, madame!)
The final few minutes were devoted to Matt Burns and his trouble with cooking. Oh, Matt – so sweet, so tender, so unable to keep it spicy enough! Matt admits to letting personal problems get in the way of doing his job. Which let’s be honest was like the theme of this season. Matt also credits Kate’s mentoring for getting him out of his funk for the last charter. And although Kate missed her banter with Ben, it was nice to be away from his
food that didn’t come from the Applebees menu intensity. Kate and this banter she’s suddenly developed with everyone! That’s her word of the night. Is that how she defines verbal annihilation?
Lee rationalizes that he was hard on Matt because he knew all that culinary genius was in there, locked away and trapped, like Matt has Foodie Autism, but Bruno was smothering it. Gosh – all these people believing in Matt, and he still couldn’t get his vanilla ice cream together.
The reunion concluded with an undramatic note. Nico is still immature. EJ still wants to kiss Baker. Bruno is still unsure of his own identity, but that’s Ok – labels are restrictive! Jen is still doing ridiculous things with her hair (but the ridiculous has spread to include her makeup now). Kyle is still a self-righteous, indignant jerk. Kate is well, Kate, Bitch Queen of the High Seas (we love it – never change). Captain Lee is permanently unimpressed (as he should be – especially with Nico). Baker is still chill, and Bri still thinks she is. Nico is now a plumber. Matt is searing up some self-recriminations but hopefully making it right?
Who’d I miss? Oh yeah, Chris Brown! He declined Andy’s invitation to attend the reunion. It probably seemed like too much work for him. So, does that mean Chris and Jen will be back next season?!
TELL US – FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON? DID NICO DESERVE TO BE PUT THROUGH THE WRINGER? DO YOU BELIEVE KATE & JEN ARE “GOOD FRIENDS”?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]