It took a full 24 hours for me to process the cornucopia of dysfunction that this week’s Love After Lockup dished up. Truthfully, I’m still not fully recovered. Much like our beloved 90 Day Fiance, we find that our star-crossed lovers get infinitely messier with each passing week. The joy of prison release day only lasts for so long…like, a literal day. Then it’s everybody into the crazy pool, sink or swim!
While Johnna and Garrett continue their bickering over him wanting his “freedom,” Andrea shows Lamar just how scared he should actually be of her when she goes full scale psycho at his homecoming party. James tries to get Alla employed, but she’s too “sick” to show up (ironic quotes intentional), and Mary is in for a rude awakening when picking up Dominic. It turns out he’s happier to see her parents’ old faces than her new one! Lastly, we’re treated to a new couple: 46-year old chain-smokin’, therapy-givin’ Angela and her 32-year old prison fiance, Tony, who she met while trolling the inmate websites. As one does. Only one hitch: She sent Tony a pic that was photoshopped within one millimeter of becoming a Farrah Abraham selfie. Thus, Tony’s in for a big surprise on release day. Pop your popcorn. Let’s get to it!
There is so much to unpack here. Let’s go couple by couple, replaying the highlights of Friday night’s crapfest.
Johnna & Garret
Johnna’s mad, you guys. Like so mad she braided her hair all night into this situation while Garrett was out at the strip clubs, sleeping in his car, and not coming home until after work the next day. The good news: Garrett is employed! The bad news: He’s allowed to drink now, and will be making some dolla-dolla bills to fund his new party lifestyle.
OK, stick with me here: I think Johnna is pissed for good reason this time. While locked up, Garrett sold her a bill of goods about wanting to come home and be with her 24/7, playing house, and watching this newfangled thing called Netflix. But now that he’s out, he’s suddenly coming to the realization that he’s 24-years old and fresh outta prison. Therefore, he’s not ready for marriage. Johnna feels betrayed for sticking by his side all of those years while he was in prison, only to be ditched for t*tty bars and random friends in the long run. I mean, she even bought that brand new comforter and shower cap for Garrett’s homecoming! Pffffffffft.
Bottom line: Johnna was a fool to believe Garrett, isn’t even remotely ready for a stable relationship herself, and should stay off of inmate websites henceforth. Special mention goes to Garrett’s coworker, who may not have a full set of teeth, but did have a healthy dose of advice for her young ex-con friend: If you want to be in a committed relationship, maybe don’t sleep in your car, a$$hole.
Mary & Dominic
Mary and her parents are so excited to finally pick Dominic up from prison. Despite her conjugal visit dreams being smashed by a drug jacket, Mary has regrouped, thrown on a new, non-powder encrusted jacket, and dreams of the moment she can jump into Dominic’s arms. She just hopes the prison guards don’t harsh her mellow this time. But the moment of seeing Dominic on the outside doesn’t go quite as planned.
Instead, the magical moment looks like this:
LOL! Please note Mary’s position outside of the group hug, of which her parents are primary members. Yeesh. More psyched to see Mary’s parents than Mary herself, Dominic practically bawls while hugging them, then tosses Mary a terse “hey” while giving her a Duggar-style side hug. To her credit, Mary at least registers that this sh*t is weird. She no like it!
As they drive Dominic to the halfway house where he and his single box of belongings will live during his initial weeks of probation (or is it parole? somebody help me out here!), Mary begins to panic about him only being interested in discussing the rules and regulations of his release. Um, even though those are kinda the most important thing right now? Okay, crazy lady. Even Mary’s parents try to coax wedding-related talk out of Dominic, but he’s not biting. He’ll get marry Mary on the tenth of never, and they’ll like it!
As Mary valiantly attempts to walk upright in her 4-inch stripper heels, Dominic heads straight to his halfway house, giving her a quick kiss goodbye before he heads inside. Mary wonders what the hell happened? Why doesn’t he want to marry me within six minutes of his release? Who is this guy who I only dated for 30 days before he was locked up for YEARS? Okay, well – I’m asking myself these questions for Mary. But she should definitely be discussing them with her therapist soon.
Angela & Tony
Speaking of therapists! Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you Mississippi’s finest mental health professional, Angela. She’s 46, has a a history of dating inmates, lives in a trailer, and likes to send highly photoshopped selfies to incarcerated singles looking for love. Also, she claims to be a THERAPIST. Can anyone say Stable Genius?
Despite her friends’ warnings, Angela is convinced that her latest prison romance with 32-year old Tony will be the fairytale ending she’s dreamt of. Hey – he did ask her to marry him within weeks of knowing her
lying liarpants photo on a card he wrote in crayon all by himself! #RomanceIsntDead
Angela claims she has a lot of love to give, and she thinks inmates are the perfect candidates to receive this precious gift. They are also ideal recipients of the money Angela sends them – in Tony’s case, a bargain sponsorship of about $200 a month! (Hey – can somebody get Scott one of these discount inmates? Because I am telling you right now, Lizzie is never getting released.)
When Angela goes to pick Tony up on release day, he’s nowhere to be found. So, like a completely sane person would do, she just starts asking general passersby, Hey, are ya’ll coming from prison? Is this where the prisoners are? I also plan on doing this at my local Walgreens this weekend. Meet me back here next week to see how it goes!
Alas, Tony never shows up. And it’s at this particular moment Angela has her first inkling that she’s been taken for a ride, to the tune of $200/month. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Tony makes good on his crayon promises.
Alla & James
It’s been two weeks since Alla’s release from prison, and James is just now realizing that you can’t turn a heroin addict into a housewife. I know – it’s harsh. But damn! Sadly true in this tragic case. Alla needs to meet two of three stipulations to move to Chicago on probation: 1) get married/live with immediate family member, 2) get employed, or 3) secure a residence.
James is hoping Alla will get her butt in gear quickly, so he’s made her an appointment with a Chicago modeling agency to restart her career. Alla claims she was given a 6-figure modeling contract when she first started out, but eventually found herself turning to drugs in that fast paced world, ultimately landing her in prison. Despite James’ attempt to help her restart, she says she’s not ready to jump back in yet and is actually resentful that he’s pushing her to. Also, let’s just say it: She doesn’t seem like she’s completely clean and sober yet. James might be waking up to this sad reality soon, but in this episode, he’s obviously still living in fantasy land.
When James arrives at the modeling agency later that day for Alla’s appointment, she’s nowhere to be found. She says she’s “sick” and can’t come, so James attempts to negotiate with the agency on her behalf. They don’t want some ex-felon (and current addict) on their roster as a charity case, though, so in the end, James is basically sent away in defeat. Next week foretells this relationship unravelling even more, which (as internet sleuths already know) will ultimately lead to a bad outcome for Alla. If you want to know where she is now, get Googling. Hint: She’s NOT at a photo shoot.
Andrea & Lamar
OH LORDT. What can we even say about this train wreck? Okay, here’s the 411: Andrea is stone cold cuckoo, and Lamar needs to RUN!!! Like, now.
Still in California, Lamar organizes a sweet night out with his family to reunite after 18 years apart. Questions: Did no one visit him in prison? Is this why he’s agreed to marry a crazy Utah woman with carwash hangups? What gives!?!? Anyway, all is going well until Lamar’s daughter, Shante, and baby mama call to say they’ll be stopping by soon. Lamar is thrilled he’ll see his daughter, whose life he’s truly missed out on. When Andrea hears that Shante’s mom is coming, she freaks the f**k out and marches out in a huff. She’s all, “Who said baby mamas were invited?! This is DIS-RESPEKTFOOL!”
But it’s Andrea who looks like a fool when Shante and her mom, both of whom are beautiful and sweet, show up to share a joyful moment reuniting with Lamar. He knows that kids come first, and that no matter what that lunatic Andrea says, he’s going to see his daughter. Shante’s mom wonders what the problem is here? If Lamar wants a relationship with Shante, she’ll need to know who this other woman is because – as any good mom should (take notes, Andrea!) – she needs to build a relationship with any adult who might be around her child in the future. PREACH!!!
Okay, let’s break this down: Lamar is normal. Shante is normal. Baby mama is normal. ANDREA IS NUTS.
After their reunion ends, Lamar tries calling Andrea, but that nutbag is driving around somewhere claiming she’s “lost.” Hmm. Maybe she meant “lost” her one f**king remaining marble? In any case, they finally meet in a parking lot to publicly pop off about baby mamas, kids, and Andrea’s delusional idea that Lamar will throw away all former relationships for her dumb a$$.
“My kid comes first! So should yours to you!” shouts Lamar, who is bizarrely the voice of parental reason, even though he’s literally been incarcerated for the last 18 years while Andrea’s been out there parenting in the real world. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?!?! It’s like we’re all in The Upside Down. I need a hazmat suit! We also need a hero to step up and solve this sh*t before actual kids get hurt (and I don’t mean those cops watching Andrea and Lamar fight from three cars over).
Andrea loses it on Lamar when he steps to her like a cell mate, which agreed, is entirely out of line. He needs to get out of her face, dude. But her irrational expectations of this guy are starting to become clear. She wants him to move to Utah, become HER babies’ daddy, attend non-drinking crafting parties, and avoid carwashes. Lamar may not have realized just what he was signing up for.
Because this is more along the lines of what he was thinking:
The former rapper has been writing rhymes from his cell ever since Snoop first debuted Gin & Juice. And he’s ready to get back in the game. Hmm. Maybe he’d better rethink that first album title? #StraightOuttaUtah
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Love After Lockup & more!) – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: IS ANDREA BEING UNREASONABLE? WILL LAMAR EVER GO TO UTAH? WILL TONY COME HOME TO ANGELA? HAS DOMINIC LOST INTEREST IN MARY? WILL GARRETT GROW UP?
Photo Credit: WeTV