Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta were in Barcelona where the most exciting sight they saw were the roaches (errrr… “water bugs”) in NeNe Leakes bathroom. Hey, I guess it beats some lame sightseeing tour, right?! This was Cynthia Bailey‘s fault – they were supposed to be visiting a church but their wonderful hostess hauled them all the way there only to discover it was closed. So they had to make their own entertainment, and that is never a good thing.
So, Barcelona: beautiful weather, gorgeous phallic buildings, stunning culture… yet all the same drama. You can take the girls out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the Atlanta out of the girls. From the moment the women land on Spanish soil, there is bickering and shadiness.
I thought Eva Marcille wasn’t invited, but apparently she was. With Kenya Moore and Kim Zolciak cancelling last minute they needed to fill the beds at Cynthia’s ‘stunning’ Air B&B so in addition to Eva, Marlo Hampton and Shamea Morton were there. (How did Porsha’s phone-a-friend Shamea wind up invited – did Porsha have another ‘doctor’s note’?)
Inviting Marlo was probably a mistake. First of all, she was wearing a bright red ruffly ballgown with sneakers. Then she decided this was the perfect time to reveal her long-harbored criticism of Kandi Burruss for being “dry” and suggest Kandi enroll in some of Marlo’s etiquette classes.
What proper behaviors does Marlo really posses that she can teach others? Burping at the table? The only person ruder than Marlo is Kim! Also, why bring this up now? Kandi has permanent stink face unless there is food present, so why wait until you’re on an international vacation to complain about her crankiness?! I don’t understand the complicated rules of the Trophy Mistress kingdom. (Isn’t that Marlo’s main occupation?)
Poor Cynthia wanted to have fun so badly that every time someone was rude or awful, she just brushed it aside with all this false cheer. She tried to revive the mood by passing around her fun and exciting Fifty Cyn Spanish Bucket List, printed out on pink paper. It was a Legally Blonde moment to go with Cynthia’s blonde wig. The list was basically a bunch of hazing items from sorority rush week. “Pinch a cute guy’s butt” “Eat a foreign delicacy” (Olives?!) “Dance The Macarena in front of a church while waving your scarf that looks like a skunk tail”. Bless Cynthia’s heart – she always tries so hard!
But speaking of needing Marlo’s ettiquete classes, NeNe announces that she thinks Kim is faking most of her medical issues and points out that at the tender age of
49 39, Kim has survived cancer, a stroke, heart surgery, SIX PREGNANCIES, and a friendship with Moose. Something, according to NeNe, smells fishy – and it’s not the anchovy she dared to eat.
Next Cynthia teases everyone by taking them to a beautiful hotel for lunch and being like Oh, just kidding – we’re not staying in this 5-star accommodation, we’re just passing through for a taste of what we can’t have. Literally. And what they also can’t have is a harmonious lunch.
First Shamea questions Eva about being a ‘Kim Zolciak lesbian’ (aka when the shoe fits in famewhoring) but Eva is like so, so Cynthia waxes poetic about how she might put ‘lesbian encounter with Kandi‘ on her Fifty Cynt Bucket List, which is kinda turning into a Filthy Cynt list! Is she also gonna ‘cheat on Will‘ with some Spanish Tinder-ing?
Speaking of Will, Eva tries to apologize for being messy about him, which was all very nice, but Cynthia wants everyone – especially Porsha Williams – to stay out of her relationship. Cynthia points out that Porsha is the girl who cried bad sex, because this isn’t first time she’s repeated something she heard ‘from a friend’ that turned out to be false – like Kandi supposedly wanting to drug and rape her or Peter cheating with waitresses all over Atlanta. Porsha counters that if everyone in the room can say something about your man, it might be your man that is foul.
There are no wrong parties in this dispute, but Porsha is sulky that after Houston she assumed Cynthia was her friend until they got in front of the other ladies and Cynthia started being nasty again. Porsha can never get a break – not that she deserves one!
After all that shade, they’re ready to wash away their sins at a famous church, but the church ends up being closed so Shamea does some bizarre dance on the street corner to summon the lord and ask for donations. Um… as NeNe suggested, don’t quit your day job!
The disappointments continue when they finally reach their Air B&B… which looked nice online (and to me, but I am no Real Housewife!). I mean, we have all been there for a disappointing ABB, right? But these gals were really, REALLY disappointed over sharing a bathroom. Oh the horrors. The absolute and total horrors. Especially for these mature gals like NeNe!
After Kandi snags the best room with a balcony looking over the city, NeNe confers with Cynthia and decides that as the “mature” ladies of the group, they should be given the ‘top floor’. NeNe meant mature as in behavior, but surely no one who passes out a pink bachelorette party scavenger hunt list could be considered mature in “behavior,” so the ladies mistakenly assume NeNe was talking about her and Cynthia’s age! Oops. Like NeNe and Cynthia have “seniority” in their Fifty Cynt-ness? Kandi has no interest in giving up her room for an old lady. (Or an immature one.) NeNe’s attempt to score a room with a view ends with NeNe getting a view only of Kandi’s true feelings towards her!
Kandi just announced how NeNe was opening her Xscape Reunion Tour with her comedy act, because they were in such a good place, but just like NeNe’s gig, that was short-lived!
Why wouldn’t NeNe just say, as the hostesses could we have have the top floor? After all, we found and reserved this glamorous, deluxe, stunning house for all of you and even shoved Sheree Whitfield in the basement so she can see what a finished basement looks like, so clearly we deserve the best of the worst in the rooms department?
Afterwards the women go their separate ways to change into designer pajamas for a ‘relaxed’ dinner at home. Marlo visits with NeNe and Cynthia to complain about Kandi’s lack of manners.
Porsha apparently thought dinner was a costume party so she dressed as I Dream Of Jeanie, and suddenly also has a mysterious eye issue due a latex allergy because of false eyelash glue. Who is she with that crazy – Kim Zolicak? She’s in her dark cave of a room, wearing sunglasses to read over her lines for her new acting gig when Sheree and Shamea come in and decide to call the ‘real’ Kim. (That is the only time the words “real” and “Kim Z” can be used in the same sentence).
Kim’s sad she (and Kroy) stayed home after learning Kenya didn’t come. Until Porsha, who is a terrible actress and really needs the rehearsal (maybe she was practicing on Kim?), mentions that she had NO IDEA at all that Wigs was a cancer survivor until NeNe told them.
Kim is off like an itchy wig accusing NeNe of having roaches and revealing that Brielle took a video of them in NeNe’s bathroom. I have so many questions about this: 1) Like Brielle and Kim are so addicted to social media they’re snapchatting in the bathroom? 2) Who really keeps a video like that for months and months unless they were planning sabotage all along? 3) Brielle was at NeNe’s Girls Who Can’t Twirl and Gays Who Can’t Dress White Black And Read All Over Party? 4) Why exactly do Kim and NeNe hate each other now?
Also, Sheree literally has NO purpose on this show other than being carrier of bones everyone else refuses to touch because they’re disgusting. Oh, how the mighty Housewife has fallen.
While everyone is at dinner, eating to the empty seats of Kim and Kenya, decorated with a headless wig and a headless crown like the deposed queens; eating to the sounds of Marlo lecturing Kandi for being distant and ill-mannered, and just as NeNe is shrieking at Shamea for joking about her age – because NeNe has a range from 0 – 100 (like every other human alive) and although she is presently at 93 SHE IS NOT OLD – Kim sends a group text calling NeNe “disgusting” for making fun of her illnesses. That text includes the video of NeNe’s so-called roaches. NeNe insists they’re “waterbugs” because it’s not possible to have roaches in a “brand new with tags house” – unlike Kim’s repurposed foreclosure.
The women are still processing that first shade bomb, when Kim sends a photo of NeNe parked in a handicapped spot at the mall. If NeNe was nearing 100 already, she ended up on the world’s oldest (and angriest) humans list after that. She is so mad she’s almost speechless with apoplexy.
And just for the record, NeNe was at the mall “with a handicapped person”. And that ‘handicapped person’ was Gregg. He’s handicapped now? But, seriously, how on earth did Kim recognize NeNe’s car in the parking lot, if she doesn’t care about NeNe nor like her and has no idea what she’s doing in her life? Maybe NeNe has a personalized license plate – it probably says something “QueenPeach” Or “EatMyPeachBitches”
TELL US – DID KIM CROSS THE LINE? DOES KANDI NEED ETIQUETTE CLASSES?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]