Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Disclaimer: I had a grand epiphany during last night’s Southern Charm, and it is shared throughout the recap. I knew the hyped disappearance of Kathryn Dennis had nothing to do with falling off the wagon, so I was hellbent on figuring out Bravo’s angle. I was horribly wrong in my assumption. What’s that saying about when you assume? I become an *asshat. I’ll own it. Regardless, this show keeps getting better and better! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

As the Charmers get ready for their day, Cameran Eubanks revels in her boobaliciousness to Chelsea Meissner, Thomas Ravenel tries to drown himself in his bathroom sink, and Danni Baird and Naomie Olindo are worried about Kathryn’s whereabouts. She skipped out on a boxing class with Naomie, and she isn’t answering any calls. Danni realizes it has been four days since her last communication with Kathryn. Concerned, Naomie dials Shep Rose, but he’s not worried. Have you seen Kathryn’s phone? It’s probably on the fritz.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Shep is meeting Austen Kroll for lunch and sipping (yeah, right) a blueberry wheat ale…for the healing powers of the fruit’s antioxidants. Shep hates oxidants. They rehash Austen’s latest beer venture. Austen’s parents are even excited to invest in his pipe dreams. Beer aside, Victoria is livid about Austen’s hug-and-straddle with Chelsea at his event. She tossed a beer on him, and, in turn, she’s blocked on his phone. It was the easiest break-up he’s ever had. She won’t be missed.

We are graced with Patricia Altshul welcoming Ashley Jacobs into her home. Over hot toddies and martinis, courtesy of the amazing Michael, Ashley tearfully admits that she feels Thomas has pumped the breaks with her after all of her overt engagement ring requests. Needless to say, Ms. Pat is not surprised. Ashley regales her with a very G-rated version of her confrontation with Kathryn in Hilton Head. She’s hurt that Kathryn doesn’t like her around Kensie and Saint. Patricia comments on Ashley’s voice…how long has she been sick? Ashley is worn down, and she blames the strain with T-Rav and his constant partying as being a drain on her immune system. Patricia clicks her tongue and reminds Ashley that men don’t change. She has some advice that will surely be hated by feminists far and wide: “Just sit and listen. Make it about him.” Patricia cites that if Ashley was secure, it shouldn’t matter. Kathryn will always be in Thomas’ life, so Ashley needs to focus on her role as T-Rav’s side piece while she decides if this is the life she wants for herself.

Naomie arrives at Chelsea’s house with beet juice, because that’s normal. Both girls are nervous about Kathryn’s absence. This is the behavior they expected from the old Kathryn, and they hope she hasn’t fallen off the wagon due to all of Thomas and Ashley’s drama. It would be game over for her custody. They move on to happier things, like meeting Cameran’s baby Palmer. Chelsea shares that Craig Conover isn’t willing to get a flu shot just to meet an infant. He doesn’t want to risk having to walk backward for the rest of his life. Don’t ask.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Across town, Cameran is checking in with Whitney Sudler-Smith and Shep. She’s a literal milk machine, and she can’t believe how much she is producing. In an effort to get rid of some of the excess lactation situation, she makes Whitney and Shep take shots of her breast milk. Whitney spits it out but Shep wouldn’t turn down a second shot. The conversation moves to T-Rav and Ashley’s relationship. Shep jokes that Thomas went ring shopping for a Craig-ass promise ring. The trio jokes that Naomie is probably the only girl Craig has ever bedded, and Shep admits that he would probably be shot down if he made a move on his friend’s ex. Naomie doesn’t seem to pay him much attention. Over barbecue, they celebrate the resiliency of Cameran’s vajay. There’s no need for rejuvenation surgery in her future before she gets back in the saddle with her hubby. Put that at the top of the list of things I didn’t even know I never wanted to hear.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Butter knife Craig is meeting up with a friend from law school. Is it me, or is Craig dressed like Inspector Gadget? They discuss whether Craig will ever practice, but he’s content being a pillow seamstress at the moment. Craig boasts about Patricia’s request for a custom pillow, but his friend is appalled at his prototype. Is that clip art? Craig whines about licensing issues with his sewing machine’s software, and I’m pretty sure I dozed off for a second. Luckily, my head wasn’t resting on one of Craig’s feather-soft pillows or I’d probably still be asleep! We’re treated to a scene of T-Rav reveling in his two favorite things…his children and white jeans. He wishes he had a nuclear family, but he is proud of Kathryn’s amazing progress. He enjoys co-parenting with her so much that he’s agreed to do a dual Christmas card. Even with Ashley breathing down his neck for a proposal, he claims to be focused on building a positive and successful co-parenting relationship with Kathryn.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Speaking of, Naomie and Danni’s concerns are mounting. It’s another day, and they have yet to hear from their friend. Naomie reveals that Kathryn missed two days of work with not so much as a call. They head to her apartment prepared to break in. Naomie shares that Craig taught her how to pick a lock, but I’m pretty sure she learned the skill in whatever class she took that encouraged her to secretly track her ex-boyfriend’s whereabouts thanks to Find My Friends. The girls are relieved when they see Kathryn’s car at her apartment complex, but it only heightens their fears when she won’t answer the door. Naomie’s lockpicking skills are sub-par so they go searching for a property manager. After a wellness check from the PM (who was worried as well thanks to Kathryn’s full mailbox), she confirms that Kathryn is not dead, and she is inside. Danni and Naomie go charging up to her unit, but she refuses to answer the door. Their fears skyrocket, but they are relieved to know she’s still breathing.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Craig’s house looks like an episode of hoarders, but it’s clearly because he’s so focused on sewing and floral arrangements. Patricia calls asking to meet with him. She really needs to see what Craig is thinking for this pillow line. Distraught, Craig takes to Google images to hone his design after promising Pat that he’ll be at her house in an hour. Three hours later, Patricia is delighting in her new potpourri while chastising Craig’s punctuality. Thankfully, he arrives with one of his famous floral arrangement. Patricia stresses the time crunch, and Craig presents her with his clip art pillow. Um, no. Craig is confused. He didn’t realize he had a deadline, save for that time Patrica told him he had two weeks to deliver. That was two months ago. She tells him that she loves him, but he must understand that business is business. Patricia can’t wait any longer, and Craig pretends to be cool with her decision. However, had she just given him one more day, he could have designed the most fantastic pillow in the history of pillows. Sure, Craig.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

In the Old Village, Naomie is hosting a girls’ day to welcome Cameran back into the fold. Chelsea is catering the shindig with the help of Chick-fil-A. Naomie recaps her and Danni’s Operation Kathryn covert mission. It is at this point, forty-three minutes into the episode, that I have my “ah ha moment”, but I’ll have to wait to see if I’m right. Could Kathryn be recovering from some sort of cosmetic surgery? That has to be it, right? I digress from my inner monologue as Danni and Cameran arrive to partake in postpartum massages. Chelsea urges Cameran to make her next fortune selling excess breast milk on the black market, and Cameran opines about the joys of motherhood while inhaling chicken nuggets. I’m glad to see she hasn’t changed a bit. I admire a girl who loves nuggets as much as I do. Naomie presents Cameran with a portrait of Palmer that Danni created. Shep calls Chelsea to let the crew know that Kathryn picked up her children from Thomas on time, which is good news. T-Rav relayed this news to Shep as if everything was normal in the land of Kathryn. Shep urges the girls to keep Kathryn’s mini-disappearance on the down low. If T-Rav or Ashley catch wind of it, it could be awful for Kathryn. Now, I’m convinced. It’s an augmentation situation!

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

T-Rav is taking Ashley on a date night which is probably cheap for him since she doesn’t eat. He jokes that he was called “the wolf” when he was single, and Ashley counters that he may be single again soon if he doesn’t clean up his act. He pulls out a gift box, and Ashley’s mood immediately changes. She can’t hide her disappointment when she opens a necklace. As she chokes out a thank you, Thomas goes in on how insecure and needy she’s become. He wants to love and marry someone who knows what she wants and has a life outside of him. Maybe she should get a job. Ashley looks like she’s been slapped in the face, and she can only manage, “So, do I have a shot at this?” If I wasn’t privy to the last few episodes, I would feel incredibly sorry for this person who has become so wrapped up in a white jean sleaze bag that she doesn’t even remember who she was before she met him. However, I am privy to her previous behavior and I’ve also seen her Instagram account, so save those tears for your pillow, sweetheart.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

The following day, Danni is near tears of joy when an MIA Kathryn shows up at her impeccably decorated (make this girl a full-time cast member already!) house. I pause like a creeper to take in Kathryn’s outfit. There is definitely some extra under that sweatshirt! After a hug, Danni delivers the third degree which Kathryn has definitely earned. If I’m wrong about my deduction and Kathryn just took time away from a toxic situation, I’m going to feel like an incredible *asshat. Kathryn explains she needed a mental break. She shut off her phone and had some reflection time while Thomas had the kids. When Danni argues that she can’t act that way when she has so many close friends who are vested in her well-being, Kathryn promises her hiatus wasn’t intentional. Danni gets emotional and deservedly angry. Didn’t Kathryn realize her friends were thinking the worst? Kathryn finds it awkward their heads would go to that space, but Danni adamantly reiterates why they did. Kathryn admits she’s been dealing with depression and went off her meds cold turkey. What resulted was a snowball effect. Danni wants Kathryn to know that she has support. Kathryn feels she’s never added value to her relationships, only a burden. The friends share a heartfelt embrace, and I am tearing up…not just because I’m so proud of how far Kathryn has come, but also because I am a complete and total *asshat.

*As someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression and has learned how to manage it (as well as it can be managed) with medication and a healthier lifestyle, it is incredibly wonderful to see Kathryn making such positive changes and her amazing support system. As a diehard fan of the show since season one, I never imagined I’d be championing Kathryn, but I am. She has earned it. That said, at some point, she does get new knockers, it just wasn’t on this episode.

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? WHY DID YOU THINK KATHRYN WAS MIA?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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