It’s been a slow march to the courthouse for Danielle and Mohamed getting to last night’s 90 Day Fiancefinale, but they finally face off this week. In another humiliating confrontation, Jorge and Anfisa have a little business to attend to – such as, does he plan on paying her for services rendered, or will she also be heading to a courthouse to start divorce proceedings? Paola continues to act like she just met “conservative Oklahoma boy” Russ yesterday, and Russ continues to feign shock that his thirsty bride is a two-bit hustler sexy model. And Pedro and Chantel – well, just ugh. As they march delusionally toward the altar for round two, their equally dysfunctional families gather to celebrate the doomed couple.
We begin in the Dominican Republic, where the sad-sack music TLC used to reserve for the likes of Danielle/Jorge types is now being used on every single Chantel/Pedro scene. And rightly so. This family bonding trip has gone from “No thanks on the chicken feet!” to “Slut a$$ b*tch a$$ whore!!!!” in just under a week. As she gets her makeup and hair done for the ceremony, Chantel admits all of this to her friend and sister, but doesn’t get into details. Suffice to say, everyone hates everyone. But young, naive Chantel thinks that it doesn’t matter. Love will conquer all!!! Or they will get divorced in under a year.
Is it possible to be personally invested in the lives of reality TV folks one has never, nor will ever meet? Because, for good or for bad, that’s me when it comes to Jeff Lewis and the gang of Flipping Out. And this season, things feel more personal than ever. Season nine left off with Jeff and Gage Edward expecting their first child via surrogate, Zoila Chavez, Jeff’s housekeeper of eighteen years, moving out on her own, and renovations of Jeff’s current home, Valley Vista, only halfway completed. Since then, Jeff has (finally) agreed to agree to Zoila’s long overdue retirement this past year, which means he’ll have to find someone else to get his three brown salsas and alphabetize his refrigerator items, going forward. (Oh, the humanity!)
For season ten, we pick up just four weeks before the birth of baby girl Monroe, whose arrival will change everything. And Jenni Pulos doesn’t know it yet (at time of filming), but she’ll be expecting baby number two – her second daughter – who was born this past June after a long and arduous IVF journey. Whew. There’s a lot of life changes on the horizon for this crew. So, let’s jump right in and see how it all shakes out!
With enormous life changes this year, Jeff says the viewers are in for a different kind of season. He does, however, admit that his crusty old ways aren’t entirely gone. (For example, preview clips show Vanina Alfaro being brought to tears by yet another one of Jeff’s tirades.) But daily life has changed for Jeff. Besides the laundry, diapers, and toys, he’s still getting used to something else – someone else – needing his attention besides work.
It’s time for the Real Housewives Of New York ladies to sit down and throw down for three straight weeks, and part one of the reunion started off with a bang – and a spooky disclaimer. As expected, Bethenny Frankel and Ramona Singer faced off, and Luann de Lesseps was forced to answer question after brutal question regarding her marriage to Tom D’Agostino, which was likely on its last leg at time of filming. The setting was very Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil, and the fashions – well, they ranged from Tinsley Mortimer’s Shirley Temple ruffles to Dorinda Medley’s chic, bejeweled butterflies. Sonja Morgan decided to unleash her girls for battle, and Ramona – well. I’m not sure how to put this. Let’s just say, Mariah Carey’s stylist must be moonlighting for RHONY.
Andy Cohen opens the reunion after we are warned by Bravo that “what you are about to watch was recorded three weeks before Luann filed for divorce from her husband of seven months, Tom.” And now I feel like the Blair Witch is beginning. That was INTENSE. (Should we be scared? I’m gonna go with: Yes.) To add to the Gothic effect, Luann is wearing her wedding (reception) dress. This makes me shudder-cringe for poor Lu.
Tinsley Mortimer began The Real Housewives Of New York as a single gal trying to make a new start from the dust bunnies ofSonja Morgan’s spare room, and she ended it with a new beau and a hefty hotel bill! Now, Tinsley reflects on how far she’s come since cameras started rolling last fall, and how truly appreciative she is of Sonja’s hospitality – even though some of the other woman (and Page Six) say otherwise.
Despite the standard drama of being part of any Housewives enterprise, Tinsley says she enjoyed her time on the show. “Wow! I can’t believe RHONY Season 9 is over. What a rollercoaster! My life was in such a mess when I joined the show, and I think you can see the entire season for me was pretty much a long therapy session. Kindly, I received so much support from so many people that I do feel I can finally put the past behind me, forgive myself for staying in such a destructive relationship, and once again look forward to the future.”
You know what? I think we could all be excellent marriage counselors (at least to this wayward lot) after watching 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After for this long. Simple truths emerge in every couple’s twisted mess. Like, for instance, don’t marry someone you trolled on the internet for six months, outright lied to, then expect them to love you for your pathetic self (looking at you, Danielle and Jorge!). Or, maybe get to know each other’s families just a wee bit better before signing on the dotted line (cough, cough: Chantel and Pedro). And lastly, find out if your future wife has delusions of becoming a model at age 30 before your house goes into foreclosure and your career circles the toilet. Russ could have deduced these facts from a simple 2-question quiz, no?
Anyway, their loss is our ridiculous television gain! Because this week, we continue to watch three out of our five couples unravel in the most spectacular and depressing ways. In the endless case of Danielle and Mohamed, a courtroom is finally entered. And Walmart Tom is not invited. Paola lays down on a dirty bed in used lingerie for a music video, pondering whether Russ will be cool with it. Chantel and Pedro’s families continue to vie for most atrocious in-laws EVER, and Loren makes her debut as Tourette’s ambassador in D.C. (Hmm. One of these storylines is not like the others.)
Lydia McLaughlin has great hair. That’s all I’ve got. (Kidding! But, I was surprised to hear she’d be back this season, given her mildly “blah” presence last time around). Since her return to The Real Housewives Of Orange County, Lydia has been trying hard to situate herself in the middle of the drama, rather than on its perimeters. Great move to keep that orange, but not so wise in terms of holding on to one’s sanity.
Please tell me the finale is not about Tom! It’s about Tom. And what a bittersweet ending The Real Housewives Of New York is giving us this season. Not even twenty-four hours after the ladies’ awesomely insane Mexico trip aired, Luann de Lesseps (yes, we’re back to the old name) announced she’d filed for divorce from Tom D’Agostino, who she’s spent the last eighteen episodes defending as the man who would make all of her dreams come true. In the end, poor Luann traded Countess for Wife, and all she had to show for it was Eggs a la Francaise on her face. But I’m here for single Lu ALL day, EVERY day. So perhaps, eighty-sixing Tom right smack on the heels of Luann totally rocking that Mexico vaycay is perfect timing after all. And given Tom’s (unsurprising) shady behavior last night, Luann’s move to kick his sorry, lying, cheating, de-mic’d a$$ to the curb deserves an extra champagne toast. Hurrah!!!