Another week, another hook up with the Below Deck Mediterranean crew and this time, the professional lines between crew and charter guests start to blur. But before we get to all that, we rejoin what I thought was an episode of The Bachelorette: Croatian Seas Edition, starring Malia White and her number one suitor, Adam Glick.
Adam sulkily leaves the crew’s night out because he is having a “bad day”, which included refusing to adhere to food preferences in the meals, telling Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier that she had a resting bitch face, lying to Captain Sandy Yawn, and what else? Oh yeah, just being an all-around douche. Sorry, no sympathy here for the guy who thinks a charter guest needs to be punished repeatedly for simply asking him to omit onions from his meals. But all of these bad boy chef antics are like an aphrodisiac to Malia, who chases after him so they can sit next to the hot tub and make out before Adam needs another diaper change or nap or something equally baby-ish. What does Malia still see in him? Is she just in it for the omelets he’s whipping up special for her each morning? All I can assume is that she’s young and stupid because at this point, you would have to be.
Last week on The Real Housewives of Potomac, we left Grand Dame Karen Huger in the middle of an off camera (but not off mic) tirade about vacation planning nemesis Charrisse Jackson-Jordan. Like most tirades, it didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense – something about screwing firemen and New Jersey harlots. Either way, Karen is pretty fired up at Charrisse, even though Robyn Dixon is the one who prompted this by calling Karen a hypocrite for preaching unity on this trip and then excluding half of the women on her sailboat excursion earlier that day. Why anyone would be upset that they missed out on clinging to some netting on the side of a damn plastic boat in the middle of the ocean is beyond me, but I guess it was the principal.
Despite the snub, Charrisse is determined to make her day of hosting a success and has arranged a sunset cruise for all. According to Cha Cha, she “made some calls” and determined that cruises are how the Bermudan elite spend their time so ummm, where are the Bermudan elite you speak of? The boat is filled with random dudes and I can’t tell if they are just some guys production offered a free boat ride to or Cha Cha also placed a call to a local escort agency. One of them immediately eyes up Robyn and like a true gentleman, has Charrisse call her over to him while he stays planted in his seat, shaved legs firmly crossed. No surprise that Robyn isn’t into him.
There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.
Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.
When it comes to the Real Housewives franchise, there are a few things you can count on to happen consistently every season: pointless get togethers will be held (Renewal Party, anyone?) and a cast trip will be taken. The Real Housewives of Potomac got the short end of the stick last year, being sent to Ashley Darby’s Delaware beach house, which ended up to be the total disaster we all imagined it would be. But with a new season comes a new upgrade and these housewives are headed to Bermuda! At the trip planning helm is self-appointed Grande Dame of Potomac, Karen Huger and maybe/sort of/not really Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is there to assist. Just don’t call her an assistant. These two have nothing better to do than plan trips and then fight over who gets to claim hosting privileges and the whole matter (can we really even call it a matter?) still hasn’t been resolved by the time they leave for paradise.
Despite the lack of importance in who is hosting the trip, the confusion for the rest of the ladies deepens when they arrive at their resort in Bermuda and receive welcome baskets signed by only Karen. Of course Charrisse is now feeling extra slighted that her good name was left off some dumb welcome baskets and this type of oversight is coming at the worst possible time for her – not only did she just have a wedding anniversary, which she celebrated by texting Eddie at midnight and got no response, but it’s also her birthday coming up. All these days that are supposed to be happy markers in life are just showing Charrisse that she’s more and more on her own. Not having her name attached to a welcome basket is icing on the cake, I guess? It’s enough to make a gal hit on the bell boy bringing your bags up to the room.
Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.
I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.
I don’t know about you guys but I am still recovering from all the kangaroo caprese salad and Tasmanian devil poppers from the Oz Critic’s Choice Dinner last week on Real Housewives of Potomac. Aside from the food, Ashley Darby calling her dinner something straight out of an award show format was pretty lofty, especially considering the food critics weren’t really choosing anything, more like getting a free dinner in exchange for filling out a comment card. But despite my snide assessment of the details, it was a clever move on Ashley’s part to get her restaurant some exposure and convince her controlling Aussie husband that she’s not the only one who thinks the menu well, sucks.
As Ashley reads through the comment cards on the new menu, she is pleasantly surprised about how good the feedback was and it only reinforces her belief that Aussie food is not the way to go (duh). There is only one thing still standing stubbornly in her way – Michael. He shows up with his tail in between his legs, offering a tepid apology that becomes pointless when he blames his threat to shut down the restaurant on her not acting like a team player. Now Ashley was no saint during that argument, but I could see how she would flip her sh*t when idea after idea of hers has been shot down and she just wanted to do one thing on her own for the betterment of Oz without her old curmudgeon of a husband putting the kibosh on it. Michael’s apology doesn’t really land and while he says he wants to work through it, he’s still ignoring how discounted Ashley feels in their partnership.
We rejoin Below Deck Mediterranean and the crew of the Sirocco in the midst of an anchor crisis. It’s been nine hours and they are still toiling away at trying to untangle their hopelessly twisted anchor. But Wesley Wiz Walton isn’t going to give up and poof! he manages to save the day (and the charter season) by setting the anchor free! Captain Sandy Yawn is thrilled and she’s not the only one. This is just one big turn on for the most eligible bachelorette on the Mediterranean: Deckhand Malia White.
Problem solving skills are sexy and Malia can’t help but swoon over Wiz coming to the boat’s rescue. That’s bad news for resident goon Bobby Giancola, who lost major points given his lack of simple math and not being able to stay calm under pressure. Of course he doesn’t know he didn’t really have a chance with Malia to begin with but that goes back to those math skills – if one sexy deckhand has two good looking crew members chasing after her and one giant ball of steroids that drunkenly yells at other women for c*ck blocking him, how many possible suitors does the sexy deckhand have left? Bobby is decidedly out of the equation.
Between Charrisse Jackson-Jordan’s notice of divorce by mail and Robyn Dixon’s refusal to believe that playing house with her husband/not husband might not be the healthiest thing for a marriage/not marriage, the ladies of Potomac don’t even have time to talk about etiquette anymore – they are too busy just trying to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and bank accounts.
Now enter Ashley Darby, who spent so much time judging everyone else’s relationship, forgot how messed up her own marriage was at home. Tonight we pull back the curtain to reveal that Oz himself isn’t an almighty, powerful ruler to be feared, but rather an insecure, over-aged Aussie who doesn’t understand what the general American public likes to eat when they dine out.