Apparently, its only on Bravo when stars get turned down for televised weddings (sorry Gretchen Rossi!), but on any other network the acquaintances of barely featured reality stars can have their walk down the aisle shoved down the viewers' throats. Well, technically I guess we don't have to watch…but we all know I can't pass up train wreck television!
When will reality stars learn? Alright, I realize the answer is "never," but throw me a bone, people! We have seen enough fame whores dying to have Bravo cameras following them around, but they don't give a second thought to the fact that the fleeting fifteen minutes will undoubtedly unleash all of the skeletons in their closets.
"That will never happen to me," they all say. Clearly these folks have heard of the Giudices, right? The public is always going to find out your business if you put it on television! Not shockingly, the newest reality stars to fall victim to this truth will be a new couple on the upcoming season of Real Housewives of Orange County.
Just when I thought pimp momager Kris Jenner couldn't get any worse, she posts the above picture of herself on Instagram (captioned "Date Night"–gag) sporting tween duck face and dining with Francine from the PBS cartoon Arthur. On the heels of the tabloids covers touting a not-so-secret romance between the icky reality star and former BachelorBen Flannel, er, I mean Flajnik.
And what does poor estranged husband Bruce Jenner think of all this messiness? For his sake, I hope he realizes that life is far better out of Kris' klutches. I wonder if he ever gets the itch to spill what he knows about loyal and doting wife. We all know if the tables were turned, she'd do it in a heartbeat!
Well I know that hell hasn't frozen over because it's pushing eighty degrees here on the coast of South Cackalacki, but I don't have any other rational explanation for this reality news. Much like the Grinch, it appears that some ladies in the Garden State have hearts that are growing and growing. 'Tis the season, right?
Past, present, and future Real Housewives of New Jersey stars–and sisters–and technically still sisters-in-law (ya follow me?)–Caroline and Dina Manzo have reconciled after a long and anti-climactic feud. I know, I know. I can't believe it either!
You know what? Every week I snark on the women of Love & Hip Hop for being huge dolts and letting the idiot men in their lives make them look like fools on national television. I'm not going to stop now. Wake up, Tara Wallace! See the light, Amina Buddafly! All this drama over Peter Gunz? I'll never understand it, and this is coming from a girl who has had her fair share of winners in the dating lottery and made several of the mistakes these ladies continue to make. No, I've never secretly married another woman's boyfriend and tattooed his name on my rib cage (yet), but I have certainly believed a liar or three.
Speaking of another L&HH damsel who keeps finding herself in the same predicament is Tahiry Jose. The poor girl tries to stand up to Joe Budden, but the nutty professor is always able to lure her back and somehow make her feel guilty for his bad behavior. It's diabolical…he should be a politician!
I can only say "bless his heart" so many times before I stop meaning it. I think I probably stopped meaning it about twenty "blesses" ago when it comes to Kanye West. The man's ego is out of control. I'd really like to sit down with him for just fifteen minutes to see if he really is as painfully egotistical as he seems. He could style me. I'd wear a crystal mask and report back the truth. It's an open invitation, 'Ye. You can even bring Marilyn MonroeKim Kardashian. No, no, don't bring her. Regardless, call me!
The tiny rapper has been especially douchetastic this week, throwing a temper tantrum on stage at a Florida concert and commissioning what I'm sure he considers to be the next, no make that the first and best, Mona Lisa. I'm sorry DaVinci, but Andy Warhol's niece? She's got the best painting of all time. Of all time! Bless his heart.
Monday's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had the Richards sisters celebrating graduation, Yolanda Foster celebrating her husband's star on the Walk of Fame, and, what was that again? Yes, yes. Brandi making out with Carlton. While she mentions all of it in her Bravo blog, I've just chosen to highlight her new infatuation with Splits and her sibling sidekick. Brandi feels sorry for Kyle, y'all. Join me, won't you, as we return to bitch mountain…
Last night's Love & Hip Hop episode was as ratchet as ever. I love that each show ends with a mini-brawl. It's by far the most high brow show I'm watching these days…um. Of course, last night made me fall in love with Peter Gunz all over again. Swoon. Damn. I couldn't even type that without gagging a bit.
Peter is trying to figure out which lady in his life deserves more attention. He decides that he needs to focus on Amina Buddafly…after all, she is the potential breadwinner. Peter admits to her that Yandy Smith won't let Rich Dollaz sign her to their label because of her and Petey's messy situation. While she understands, she isn't happy about it. She is his wife now, not his side chick! Keep telling yourself that, hon. She's ready to live as husband and wife now that Tara Wallace knows the truth, but Peter is still spending the night as his kids' house and "working late." Here's a tip, sweetheart. He's not spending the night with his kids, but rather with their mother who may be as stupid as you are. Oh, and that working late thing? Remember when he used to "work late" with you? He's doing that with someone else. However, it's super sweet that Amina believes Peter when he tells her they can't wear wedding rings until he can afford a ring worthy for her. That will happen in about three weeks to never!