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Lord have mercy!  I sometimes think that Teen Mom 2 would be easier to watch if I didn't know what was going on with these girls' lives now.  Jenelle Evans seems to be hitting rock bottom this season, but we know it only gets worse.  Kailyn Lowry is now engaged even though on the show she's still pining over Jo after duping poor JordanLeah Messer is remarried with a third baby on the way (although I do like watching her and Corey try to work through their relationship…it helps me reconcile their divorce as being the best decision for both of them), and Chelsea Houska…well, she's still pretty much what you see is what you get…a lot of whining, feathers, and mascara!

Let's get to last night's episode, shall we?  Why does Chelsea need to put on fake eyelashes to take her GED tests?  I guess they take some of the focus off of those feathers.  Aubree has a meltdown as her mom flies off in a bleached haze.  Meanwhile Kailyn is leaving Isaac with Jo and his family so she can go to Texas to reconnect with some family.  When she arrives in Austin, her cousin is there to meet her at the airport.  Austin is definitely on my bucket list.  Kailyn reveals that things are stagnant in Pennsylvania because she screwed herself out of a boyfriend.

While Jenelle is back on her bipolar meds, she is still having mood swings.  She hopes that she's able to prove to mom Barbara that she's stable enough to be a positivie part of Jace's life.  Jenelle shares with a friend that, like, you know, she thinks she may have moved in with Josh, like, you know, too soon.  Um, you think?  I mean, she waited a week after dating before taking the plunge!  Now she realizes, like, you know, that he's totally immature and thinks everything is funny when it's not.  Boys!  Jenelle also wants to get back custody of Jace before her mom totally dominates his life.  Barbara like wants to like raise him the way she thinks is best, you know?  Why yes, it's called having his best interests at heart and not taking off to a Ke$ha concert instead of being a mom. 

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It's been quite some time since we parted ways with those crazy kids from The Hills.  With the exception of the two queen bees and arch rivals Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavallari, most of the cast from the Hills and it's predecessor Laguna Beach have faded off into obscurity, only managing a place in the spotlight thanks to DUI mug shots and quickly canceled reality shows. 

As you recall, LC had her fill of bad boys, setting her sights on Jason Wahler in high school.  After a brief fling, he disappeared, only to resurface as her main squeeze on The Hills.  The poor guy clearly has had his issues with alcohol, and their relationship was very volatile.  After Jason, Lauren found comfort in the arms of Doug Reinhardt, a former baseball player and total jackleg.  He was so skeezy I needed to shower after watching a scene with him in it.  Bless his little rich Laguna heart was he a dolt!

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ryan lochte twitter

It's not until I hear news like this that I remember how flipping awesome the Olympics were…and now, they're coming back to us (sort of) thanks to Ryan Lochte and (no surprise here) E!  Yes, that's right, everyone's himbo with the washboard abs has finally secured his own reality show.

Ryan made a splash (so sorry) in the 2012 Summer Games in London, and he was noticed just as much for his classic good looks, piercing blue eyes, and diamond studded grill as he was for his gold medal winning prowess.  Granted, you can practically hear the hamster wheel circling in his head when he tries to form a thought, but he sure is pretty. 

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hip1

Oh gracious!  I wasn't even a minute in to watching last night's premiere of the original Love & Hip Hop when I realized it had gone by way of Atlanta.  It's over stylized and filmed as if it's rap video, not a reality show.  It's going to be a long season.  I'll be honest, it was hard to keep up with all the drama, but I think it's going to be eventful…and I think we saw it all on L&HHA with just a different cast of characters. 

As the episode starts, we're introduced to Tahiry Jose who claims to be a video vixen, model, and actress.  Right now, she's also a waitress.  However, even she knows that she's most famous for being Joe Budden's ex-girlfriend.  She left their five year relationship because Joe wasn't handling his business properly.  Joe loves being in the public eye, and he gained quite a following when he would post videos of Tahiry on You Tube.  He misses Tahiry and hopes that the two can work on developing a strong friendship.  The pair is meeting for lunch, and two things are evident: he likes riling her up, and Tahiry isn't a fan of Joe's shenanigans.  Tahiry wonders why Joe so desperately needs to be friends with her…can't he share all his life stories with his new lady?  Joe just wants to keep Tahiry on a string for when he needs her.  The lunch ends with Tahiry screaming at him and shoving the table so hard that her sangria topples.  I have to hand it to that one extra playing the role of restaurant patron number two had the acting sense to appear shocked at the couple's tirade while all the other extras just ate their free lunches and pretended like nothing was happening. 

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It's all about the Benjamins with those Kardashian girls, isn't it?  Well, hopefully they haven't peeved the wrong tabloid, because word on the mean streets of media is that Us Weekly isn't happy with their frequent kash kows for keeping the publication out of the loop about Kimye, Junior's existence.

Instead the magazine was stuck with a "Kardashian exclusive" about Kourtney's post-baby weight loss while the Internet was buzzing about Kanye West's baby mama announcement.  It seems that no one cares about Kourtney's flat belly when her sister Kim has a bun in the oven.  Sorry, Kourt!

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Is it just me, or could VH1 afford to redo the opening credits for Mob Wives?  Sure, I love to see Drita D'Avanzo, Renee Graziano, Karen Gravano, and Carla Facciolo walking the mean streets of Staten Island, but doesn't Ramona Rizzo feel a bit left out?  What about Big Ang and the new girl Love Majewski?  Loosen those purse strings, VH1!  The ladies are back with an explosive premiere, and the personalities are all over the place!  Drita staying out of drama?  Carla growing a pair?  Thank goodness we have Ang to be a calm in the ever brewing storm!

The season 3 premiere begins with besties Carla and Drita watching their tiny dogs on the boardwalk.  Carla reveals that Ang's son is getting more time than just rehab for his drug dealing, and she's also heard that Renee has yet another problem with her.  Drita says that she is finally on Renee's good side (and she wants to keep it that way!), but Carla doesn't care whether she is able to resolve her issues with Renee.  She goes off on Renee's pill-popping problem, and it makes Drita very uncomfortable.  Drita asks Carla if she can play peacemaker.  Carla doesn't care one way or the other.  This is going to get ugly!

Renee is changing the locks because she's had a recent break-in and her surveillance camera was camera.  Clearly, it was someone trying to intimidate her.  They even ripped up her Bible.  Renee believes that it was some of Junior's former cohorts who are mad he turned state's evidence.  She tells son AJ that she wants to get a gun.  He rolls his eyes.  Renee wants to talk smack about Junior to their son, and he admits that he knows what his dad did was wrong.  However, he hates that his mother wants to speak ill of his dad to him.  AJ yells that Renee needs to respect him.  I feel for him.  He's in a tough spot between both crazy parents.

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mayo

Alana Thompson and her redneckognizing family are back with a slew of holiday specials.  First up?  It's Halloween!  If the group's time at Shhh!  It's A Wig is any indication, we are in for a wild, wild ride.  I have not been quiet in my love for all things Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but last night was overkill.  Don't get me wrong, I still love this family, but TLC needs to differentiate between thirty minutes of hilarious redneck reveling and an hour of dragging out poor Sugar Bear in a wheelchair.  Although, how awesome was he with baby Kaitlyn?

Oh Lord, I don't even know what to say.  Two minutes into the special we are treated to June napping haphazardly across her bed and Pumpkin emerging from the crawl space beneath the house (just how close does that train come to their home??) with some nastiness she's found.  Pumpkin ties said nastiness to a 2×4 and dangles it over her mother's face.  I can only imagine what the remaining fifty-eight minutes have in store.  As for Chubbs, Chickadee, and Smoochie, they love Halloween for the sweets.  As Alana so eloquently sings/raps, "Halloween is all about the treats…treatin' myself to candy!"  She's practically autotuned!

Poor Sugar Bear is in a wheelchair due to a recent surgery, and Pumpkin wants to dress up Chickadee's baby as a cheese ball for Halloween.  The baby is precious!  June shares that Halloween is a special time for her family, given that the girls love to dress up (well, duh, they are a pageant fam!), and they love to eat candy.  I'd say that's a fair assessment.  The family is decorating the yard for Halloween, and I have never seen such an assortment of pumpkin inflatables.  There's that darn train again…I'd make spotting the train a drinking game, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to make it through this recap!  June and Sugar Bear gather up the girls to head to the pumpkin patch.  I'm so happy to see they already have their Christmas lights up on their house.  That should make preparation for the yuletide holiday special that much easier. 

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It's like a New Year's miracle!  Could it be that Real Housewives of Miami's Elsa Patton is getting her own show?  Andy Cohen would certainly be all for it.  Just think of the craziness draped in fur and subtitles.  It's already my new favorite show!

RHOM fans know that despite some unfortunate plastic surgery, Mama Elsa tells it like it is.  When she's not threatening drag queens, dancing in caftans, or having psychic visions, she's doling out some pretty down-to-earth advice.  She's the Big Ang of Bravo.

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