I'll admit, my fist pumping has turned into more of a fist wrist flick. Not only did the Jersey Shore end, it ended with a fizzle, not a grenade. It was time, and although I love my gross, orange, drunk, poorly dressed friends, that finale was just too tame. Don't get me wrong…I wasn't looking for alcohol infused antics, but these roommates have shown us time and again that they can entertain without being totally wasted. The pranks, rascal races, family dinners, and meatball auditions were hilarious. The series finale was not.
Last night was a Sister Wives' road trip from hell. I got totally stressed out just watching it. Kody Brown's behavior rivaled that of his youngest children, and we learned that Meri Brown and Robyn Sullivan-Brown's great-great-(and great) grandfathers were both hanging out in Nauvoo, Illinois at the same time. Perhaps that's why they have such a connection? Christine Brown fancied herself a Chris Brown with her impromptu stand-up routines during the sofa interviews, and I think that Janelle Brown said maybe three words. She was probably still traumatized from the road trip.
The episode begins as the family is celebrating Logan's birthday. Kody announces that everyone is going to file into two RVs for a road trip to Nauvoo, Illinois which is where the Church of Latter Day Saints gained popularity. While the Browns aren't a part of that denomination, they are looking forward to learning more about their Mormon forefathers. Needless to say, the teenagers aren't super thrilled at the idea of driving three days to Illinois to learn their church history, while the younger kids just hear "RVs."
Hunter and Logan manage to get out of the pilgrimage thanks to prior plans and football camp. The teen girls are beyond jealous of their brothers' good fortune. Logan and Hunter aren't even pretending they're upset to missing this debacle. Christine and Robyn will be staying in hotels while the other ladies will be bunking in the RVs.
According to the rumor mill, Kourtney is still refusing to make things official with the father of her two children. Seeing as both Kim and Khloe Kardashian offered up million dollar nuptials in the name of ratings, one would think that Kourtney would be on board with using her walk down the aisle to attract viewers. She's not. It looks like Kris may need to find a quick beau for younger daughters Kylie and Kendall if Kourtney isn't willing to use her relationship to spearhead the finale! Gah!
Call me crazy, but I don't think this feud between LeAnn Rimes and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'Brandi Glanville is going to end any time soon. I know things were looking up about a year or so ago, but then LeAnn decided that Twitter was her new reality and started trying to turn her followers against an equally Twitter-obsessed Brandi. Recently, LeAnn sought treatment for her Twitter addiction, cried crocodile tears during an exclusive television interview about how she didn't have a normal childhood and the term "home wrecker" is so clichè and hurtful. Brandi, meanwhile, is promoting her new book and starring on a hit Bravo show.
While LeAnn claims she just wants a settled, drama-free life with Eddie Cibrian and her "bonus children," she can't seem to keep her new husband's former wife's name out of her mouth. Of course, talking about Brandi may be better than singing on the X Factor. Ba-doom ching! I kid, I kid. I think it was very admirable of LeAnn to do everything in her power to make sure that little girl looked so amazing in comparison…not that she needed any help.
LeAnn is now claiming to be flattered that Brandi is so caught up in her life. Um, what? She's also conveniently promoting her new song "Borrowed" which is a blatant dig at her husband's ex while painting a picture of her affair with Eddie. It's not exactly Christmas music. You just can't make up this stuff!
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.
I'm not going to lie, but I've got some tissue on hand for the series finale of Jersey Shore. I always get super teary when shows end…Zack and Kelly's wedding, the final Family Ties, Who's the Boss, and don't even get me started on Friends! However, I can honestly say I've never gotten sad about the end of a reality show. Hopefully, that's the norm. I don't remember getting upset saying good-bye to any of the Real World casts (more like good riddance!), and I barely noticed when my fave Rosie Pope didn't get renewed. However, for some odd and unknown reason, these orange meatballs and gorilla juiceheads are different.
After being accosted by a friend to give the show a chance, I was appalled. Who wears slippers out in public and thinks it's funny to show their Britneys while on the dance floor? What idiots tan every day and use enough hairspray that we may have cause to sue them for global warming? Sadly, I was quickly won over by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. Yes, their antics showed no inkling of decorum or maturity, and yes, I was (and still am) grossed out by many of their actions, but in a world of reality television show where cast mates hate one another, it was beyond refreshing to see this group grow into a legitimate family. I have no doubt that the majority of them will still be pranking each other in the assisted living facility. Hanging out for a day with Vinny and Pauly is on my bucket list. Instead of VPL being code for visible panty line, it would be Vinny/Pauly/Lauren. I digress (what else is new?). On to the recap…I'm wearing my favorite airbrushed tank top, my whitest pair of sneakers, and leopard print track pants. My hand is wrapped around some Ron-Ron juice (kidding, I don't want to die!), and I'm ready to wish these imbeciles well. Do you think it's a coincidence that their show ends the night before many doomsdayers think we're all goners?
The roommates have decided to throw a giant bonfire party on the beach. They plan to invite all of their family and friends to commemorate their final MTV summer together. Pauly and Vinny are in charge of getting wood. Erection jokes ensue. The wood won't fit in their vehicle, so Vinny is forced to wheel it home on the handcart while Pauly follows behind him in the SUV. Classic VP. A party rental place is delivering tables, chairs, and the like. I guess these people can finally afford a legitimate party. They even bring the grill to the beach. Pauly lights the bonfire. Oh yeah, fi-arh, yeah!
Camille Grammer is dishing on ex-husband Kelsey's recent parenting snafus as well as her holiday plans. Also, there is some fun gossip about Yolanda Foster's predecessor in David's life who apparently really, really, really wants to be on the show. It's some fun stuff, y'all!
Shocking news, y'all! I know you are going to be floored when you hear this…because it totally wasn't anything you were expecting to hear! Basketball Wives star Tami Roman is claiming that the fifth season will stay away from lady drama and focus on the women's families. Did you ever think you'd hear that announcement? Shaunie O'Neal's PR people must be working overtime. These girls must think their fan base is totally idiotic.
Let's get this straight, we have four seasons of bottle throwing, weave pulling, bad press, and negative viewer response, and we're all just supposed to forget about it because now your focusing on families? It's a brilliant marketing ploy if I've ever heard one…if the watchers of BBW were ten years old! Am I being too harsh?