Oh good gracious! Last night's Basketball Wives LA was a virtual assault on the senses. Jackie Christie raps and flashes her boobs. Brooke Bailey and Draya Michele are still caught up about the cover of a magazine that apparently doesn't even pay its models. Malaysia Pargo invites the ladies on a charitable trip to New Orleans, so you know that's going to go over well. Oh, and we finally find out the deets on the worst kept secret wedding of Gloria Govan. It's a lot.
Brooke and Bambi seem to have mended fences as Brooke invites her, Jackie, and Laura Govan over to see her new lingerie line Touche Moi. She then basically strips down to share a prototype. Brooke asks the ladies to start trying on things, which they do, so it's basically Bambi and Laura walking around in tank tops and red string bikini underwear. Didn't they want to wash it first? I will say, I am really liking Bambi…she seems to be one of the more level headed ladies this franchise has ever had, which is probably why she isn't a full fledged cast member in the credits. Nostrils O'Neal doesn't like women who are smarter than she is!
Stop the presses! Jackie is recording an album. It doesn't matter that she's never sung or rapped or even been in a studio. Today is a day of firsts for Jackie! She has asked Bambi and her giant earrings to come by and give her some pointers. Bambi is shocked to learn that she isn't absolutely horrible (she's not?) and she tells Jackie as much. Jackie, as you can imagine, basks in the wonderful honesty of her new best friend.
Oh, Sister Wives! Thank you so much for introducing me to the Dargers. TLC, what do you say about a Darger spin-off? Kody Brown would be livid!
We started last night with Kody going over plans for each of the four homes. How are these people affording these homes? The wives, except Janelle, are all getting totally greedy with their need for extra bedrooms and wet bars and offices. I am predicting this season doesn't end well for the Browns.
After squaring away the blueprints, the family can look forward to their family vacation with some polygamist friends…because that's normal! The Dargers aren't the same faith as the Browns. Instead they are "independent polygamists" which must be some kind of code for dude who wanted to marry more than one lady. Joe Darger married two women, Alina and Vicki, on the same day, one of whom looked to be about fourteen at the time, and then ten years later married Val who is Vicki's twin sister. Talk about sharing everything! I'm more than a tad skeezed out because not only will they actually be SISTER wives, the kids will be sibling-cousin hybrids…and among the three of them, there are twenty-three children. The double marriage was arranged by Joe's mom. Lovely.
I feel like there is a giant math equation regarding how much gossip we hear about the show in proportion to the ratio of time a housewives franchise has been on the air divided by the amount of certified crazies in the cast and then taken to the third power of the square root of how many on-air divorces occur multiplied by the number of husbands we think could potentially be cheating. It's like E=MC² up in here!
Given all of those mathematical conundrums, it only makes sense we'd be hearing a lot the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at the moment. We've got the crazies, we've got the divorces, and I have some suspicions about some of those husbands! First up, we've got Brandi Glanville engaging in yet another Twitter war with home wrecker (don't sue me!) LeAnn Rimes and more news on the Adrienne Maloof front.
I don't mean to be redundant, but I know I've said this before…bless Kim Kardashian's heart. Seriously, bless it. Not only does the mere mention of her name make people in the states automatically get a rash, now the Middle East is creeped out by her as well. That's got to be a tough cross to bear, and I don't even care for her. Yet I feel badly…must be the holidays.
As you all know, Kim has been touring Kuwait and Bahrain touting Millions of Milkshakes. I'm sure President Obama is super excited about the amount of diplomacy that's happening with that situation! Anyhoo, I'm sure poor Kim was thrilled at the opportunity to promote the dairy treats on the other side of the world while wearing the finest couture from the Kardashian Kollection and the tiny rapper's new shoe line. Little did she know she'd be welcomed with protests and discord. Of course, we probably all figured she would given her recent controversial (and likely clueless on Kim's part) tweets, but she was totally sidelined by her less than stellar welcome. Damn you, Twitter!
Guess what, y'all? Real Housewives of New Jersey'sTeresa Giudice isn't divorcing Juicy Joe after Christmas! She's waiting for Groundhog's Day…it's more appropriate. Not that I thought all the rumors were a publicity stunt or anything, cough, cough. Of course Teresa is on hand to debunk any divorce gossip that may be heading her way. I can't say I blame her.
At a recent NephCure fundraiser, Teresa was quick to put the kibosh on any talk that she and Joe were heading in different directions. I'll be honest….I never thought that Teresa would engage in such a public divorce. She knows where her bread is buttered. No, it's not with Joe, but it's with the publicity she gets as a reality star who is married to someone whose relationship often makes or breaks the tabloids. Tre has to be totally exhausted.
The meatballs decide to have a dressy dinner date since Jionni is too preoccupied with his softball game to come visit Snooki.Rawn decides it's the perfect opportunity to put on a giant gorilla suit and scare the crap out of a napping Jenni. The gang is heading to dinner (minus the meatballs), and Jenni shares her scare with Sam. Mike wonders why Snooki can't just smile and have a good time with the roommates. Rawn totally disapproves of Jionni putting softball before his pregnant fiance.
Snooki and Deena are enjoying a chill meatball evening. Snooki is glad that they can still have fun without being blackout drunk and getting arrested. She asks Deena to accompany her to the baby store the following day after work. Deena hems and haws about how she already promised Sam she'd go with her to the grocery store. She can't let Snooki go shopping for the baby when they've already bought her everything for her surprise shower. Great save there, Deena! She manages to change the subject to not sleeping naked because she's terrified of bugs laying eggs in her Britney. It's perfectly acceptable dinner conversation, right?
I know, I know…all of these ladies are wearing on our last nerves. However, Caroline is promising to come back for next season with a positive attitude, and she has no time for the negativity that may surround the potential comeback of Danielle (not happening!) or the ensuing drama that swirls around her nemesis Teresa. Why are we still listening to any of these women? Oh yeah, it is mildly entertaining to hear them trade passive aggressive barbs in the tabloids. 'Tis the season!
Leave it to Ashley "Build-A-Bear" Hebert to buck the system when it comes to wedding etiquette. Seriously, someone get this girl an Emily Post book stat! No, I'm being too hard on Ashley and her fiancé J.P. Rosenbaum. I should be applauding the Bachelorette pair for actually making it down the aisle given the curse that seems to plague all relationships born of the Bachelor franchise. Did you know that out of twenty-four seasons there have been twenty-one engagements that failed? I mean, yes, two of those engagements belonged to both Brad Womack and former flame Emily Maynard, but those odds aren't good! My math is bad…I realize that Emily's engagement to Brad doesn't factor in, but I feel like it is worth mentioning. Lots of failed relationships!
Of course, when Chris Harrison talks about the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever I never thought that he would try to orchestrate the most dramatic televised wedding ever. I don't know whether to be disgusted or proud for what will surely be Bachelor Pad style television. Slow clap, Mr. Harrison, slow clap.