I guess it's par for the course. If you go on a Housewives franchise, chances are people will dig up dirt on your past. Even better? If you don't have a juicy past, they'll make up some stories! Just ask Real Housewives of Miami'sJoanna Krupa. She was recently accused by The Dirty (because that's a legit site) of being a high priced call girl. As you know, the story was quickly retracted (or taken down…I doubt anyone at The Dirty knows the meaning of the word "retracted") when the supermodel threatened legal action.
So, what have we learned? The Polish beauty never accepted money in exchange for boring, rich, socially awkward men's attention. Color me shocked…not. However, the reason her name (and picture) was brought into this crazy gossip has finally come to light. It's basically the ol' bait and switch…some millionaire Madame shared Joanna's pictures on her website, and when men would request the leggy blonde, said madame would do her best to hook him up with a lookalike. That is not shady at all…said no one EVER.
I don't know what it is lately that I feel the need to put a disclaimer in all my blog posts, but here's another one. I really do like the Sister Wives! Actually, you need to take that statement literally. I like the Sister Wives…Kody Brown and his golden mane I can take or leave.
It's almost as if I've started liking reality shows that don't provide the normal extravagant lifestyle, Botox, and Patron-infused escape. Now, I truly enjoy watching the reality programs that make people think and make people mad…for a better reason than someone said something contrived in a cookbook. Social issues, family dynamics, real problems…this is what I'm now drawn to these days. I have to ask, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I like to think I'm growing up…maybe? Enjoying fluff and Cartier is so much simpler. Being concerned about who got blackballed from the season's charity event is way cooler than worrying about how real people are actually perceived. Am I right, or am I right?
That said, I think the Sister Wives are awesome. Can we just have an understanding from here on out that when I say "Sister Wives" I mean Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn? We can leave the adult Simba out of my praise. Regardless of how progressive his wives are, he's still a tad too controlling for my tastes. Here's the deal. Do I think polygamy is weird? You can bet Annie's bottom dollar I do! Would I share my future husband ever with some Midwestern hussy(ies)? I think not…of course Ryan Gosling knows better (Eva who?). But was I put on this earth to judge? No. To snark? Well, duh, but to truly judge? Absolutely not. Apparently UNLV shares my beliefs, as the Browns were recently the subject of a campus-wide panel discussion.
We resumed last night's Basketball Wives: LA with the altercation at Gloria Govan's going away party. It's every bit as ridiculous and as anticlimactic as it was when it left off last week.
Malaysia Pargo is holding back Draya Michele with the help of Brooke Bailey. After Jackie Christie calls her a "ho" for the fiftieth time, Draya swings. Even Malaysia can't believe how Jackie's acting. Security pulls Jackie away while Laura Govan laughs about Draya trying to hit "auntie." All of the girls find the scene hilarious except for Draya. She's not proud that she let Jackie rile her up like she did. Gloria urges her sister to go check on Jackie since they're "BFFs." Laura does not like working this hard on a friendship!
Jackie asks for Laura's honest opinion, but she won't really listen. According to Jackie, Draya was ugly to her while she was trying to extend the olive branch. Were we watching the same altercation? Jackie claims her soul is hurt. Laura can't help but feel sorry for her. Thankfully, Jackie has found solace in her new biffle Bambi. Poor Bambi doesn't know these women well enough to know she needs to be running as fast as she can in the opposite direction. Bambi feeds Jackie's ego, and Jackie needs a giant groveling apology from Draya to even consider letting her back in her good graces. Jackie threatens to take down Draya if that doesn't happen. This dynamic between Bambi and Jackie seems so phony…at least on Jackie's part.
I'm going to be totally honest, which seems to be my theme with these Here Comes Honey Boo Boo posts. Here's the deal, one hundred percent of the time when I'm writing, it's because I love to express my opinions through the written word. Eighty percent of the time I'm snarking, it's because I find humor in such crass sarcasm, and seventy-five percent of the time I'm watching these shows, I'm watching because I'm deeply enthralled…not just on the level of reality television, but as if I'm a sociologist with the stars, the viewers, the blog commenters, and Andy Cohen all as my study materials.
If I had to create a Venn diagram with each circle encompassing writing, snark, and a genuine affinity for programming (respectively), I can only guarantee that one show would make it to the center of that triad on a consistent basis. That series is, of course, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. If you take the viewers, the haters, and the family, you have such a study in socioeconomic groups, family dynamics, gender stereotypes, childhood obesity, charity, pigs as pets…the list is infinite. Alana Thompson and her family are literally taking pop culture by storm.
I am likely to get skewered as this post continues, but I owe y'all the thanks for my thick skin. Maybe it's because I'm from the South (and no, I have never seen a family like the Shannon-Thompsons on a regular, non-televised basis), or maybe it's because I spent a lot of time teaching in the public school system where I met my fair share of Alanas who didn't have the support at home, but I look at this family and see something special. Call me uneducated (you'd be wrong), call me lacking in taste (let's call it a draw), or call me high on a fried chicken binge (I should be so lucky), but I adore this crew. If you've never watched it because you're disgusted, I can't blame you one second. I think only my teaching background (there are things with those children you can't un-see!) afforded me the luxury of not gagging during the majority of the season. However, before you jump to judgment having never viewed anything more than a forklift foot promo commercial, I implore you to read on about Mike "Sugarbear" Thompson's (you know, Alana's dad with the dip and constant subtitles) homosexual younger brother. Without further ado, I present to you a Poodle retrospective.
I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post, but we all know that the Kardashian Klan must constantly work to stay in the spotlight. With so many of them, it's like a revolving door of gossip. Bless 'em.
Because things always seem to happen in threes, I have a trio of entertainment to share with you, dear readers. There's a storm a' brewin' on the set of X Factor as now-confirmed hosts Khloe Kardashian and Mario Lopez are having a difficult time fitting their giant wardrobes–and their egos!–into their dressing rooms. Of course, at least they HAVE dressing rooms. Word on the street is that Kim Kardashian and sister Kourtney will have to slum it on the upcoming season of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami due to a slight "misunderstanding" with South Beach. That misunderstanding being that no one in South Beach wants the Kardashian sisters around.
Last but not least, rapper Kanye West was visiting his girlfriend in her new digs when he found himself competing for attention with her former beau NFL player Reggie Bush. It's like an awesomely bad episode of Melrose Place!
"Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took a town car to crash the White House correspondents dinner…Just a city boy, born and raised in Oklahoma (I googled it!), he stole a faux cheerleader from a swindling wine maker." I know the guys from Journey are devastated that they didn't enlist me to help them write their songs.
Sometimes I miss seeing Michaele Salahi and her gnome ex-husband Tareq in the tabloids. They provided so much entertainment during their stint on Real Housewives of D.C. There was that minor national security issue, coupled with Michaele claiming (among other things) that she was a former NFL cheerleader and suffered from M.S. The quintessential cherry on top, however, was when Michaele ran off with Journey member Neal Schon right under her husband's nose, leading him to think she'd been kidnapped. You just cannot make up this stuff!
I don't think any marriage counselor ever would advise you to go on a reality show if you and your spouse were having issues…especially not on one of the housewives franchises. The Bravo freight train is riddled with divorce. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that of all the cities, Real Housewives of New Jersey is the only series that hasn't had a resulting divorce…and we all saw how well those ladies' marriages looked last night, right?
No one ever likes to admit when they're wrong. It's humbling and very embarrassing…even more so when you're eating crow about the Bachelor franchise. Until I fell for quirky One F Jef Holm on the Bachelorette finale, I was a tried and true Arie Luyendyk Jr. fan. In fact, I loved that Emily Maynard chose Jef because that meant that Arie was still on the market. In addition to reality television, I am also somewhat of a racing fanatic. Weird, I know. Since Carl Edwards is married, I hung all of my hopes on Arie.
Alas, those hopes have been dashed…along with my once Pollyanna-esque views that Arie was a happy-go-lucky, love struck dude who enjoyed awkwardly intense make-out sessions. It turns out my friend (a Sean Lowe fan, go figure) tried to warn me that Arie was just another player, and it seems she was right. Why else would he be caught sucking face with fame harlot Courtney Robertson less than a week after she was able to shake former fiance Ben Flajnik? At least she upgraded in the hair department!