It's been said that in life only two things are certain–death and taxes. Well, dear readers, I'd like to think y'all would agree with me if I tweaked that saying just a bit. In the reality world, the only two things that are certain have to be Kris Jenner creating rumors about her family in order to stay relevant and Kim Kardashian talking when she should just smile, look plastic pretty, and wear heinous tiny rapper inspired outfits. Am I right or am I right? Of course death, taxes, and all that jazz come into play as well…although have we seen any Kardashian 1099s?
Where to start, where to start? Should I lead with Kim's unfortunate but likely well-intended Twitter posts or Kris speaking out about the gossip she planted about her marriage? It's quite the conundrum. Thank goodness I've got a glass of pinot noir and a Ducky Dynasty marathon to soothe my Kardashian-riddled nerves. Join me, won't you?
We begin with Rawn, Snooki, and Deena working at the Shore Store. The meatballs are already hoping to bail on their shift, and hard-working Ronnie is beyond frustrated. He and Danny retaliate by donning trucker hats and ditching work like true meatballs. Mike calls his sister and dishes on Paula. He wants a classy girl, and his sister gives him advice on how to proceed with "shocking" Paula. A giant storm rolls in (which I realize is nothing compared to the super storm), and Snooki and Deena are freaking out. Down the boardwalk, Ronnie and Danny drink fruity cocktails and laugh about the chaos the girls are likely unleashing on the store.
Can I get a slow clap for Shaunie O'Neal? She said she was going to clean up the violence and drama on Basketball Wives, and by God, she's going to deliver. Oh wait. Nevermind. Instead, Ms. Nostrils O'Neal fired the calm ladies and kept her violent, bullying friends for the fifth season. They say they want to redeem themselves. I think Kenya Bell needs to duck!
That's right, folks! Both wine bottle tossing, table jumping Evelyn Lozada and purse snatching, in-your-face screaming Tami Roman will be back for another round. Apparently, they've "grown" in light of recent circumstances and deserve a fifth second chance. Tami suffered a mild heart attack, so she has a new lease on life, while Evelyn had a short-lived marriage that ended in a head butt from Chad Johnson, so surely she's learned that violence isn't the answer. Right? Hello? Anyone believe that?
It's been how many seasons now? I think everyone on the planet knows not to cross Ms. NeNe Leakes. Clearly Kandi Burruss hasn't gotten that memo. Like her or not (and I waiver–loved her, didn't like her so much, she's definitely growing on me again), the Real Housewives of Atlanta star is one of the franchise's biggest break-outs, and it was her hard work and hustle that made it happen. She took her gig on Bravo and surpassed all the cookbook writers, spin-off ladies, and talk-show hopefuls. NeNe has arrived, and she's a bona fide star. If you'd told me this would happen three years ago, I would have laughed at you while singing in a limo. If you tried to convince me of the same a year ago, I'd just yell "Wig" at you and tell you to close your legs to married men. You have to admit, the lady has one-liners!
Maybe it's her brashness, her biting honesty (she's the only one who proudly owns up to stripping in the past), or unapologetic nature, but NeNe has become a force to reckoned with among all of the housewives. To be quite honest, I'm still a little surprised that she stuck around this season to cause drama given her new presence in Hollywood. I'm equal parts terrified of her and want her to be my friend…of course, maybe I want her to my friend because I'm so scared of her. Regardless, call me Neenster!
When I think of the Kardashian/Jenner klan, warm and fuzzy thoughts don't often come to mind. Sure, Khloe Kardashian Odom is slightly bearable, and those Jenner girls are pretty, but let's face it. With Kris Jenner as their momager, they're bound to be extremely entitled, over exposed, and annoying any day know…if they aren't already.
With all of this going on with the girls in this family, sometimes the guys get the short end of the stick (anyone remember poor Rob Kardashian when Oprah Winfrey came to interview the krew? At least he has his sock line.). It's sad really. Of course, no one is more disrespected, ignored, or made fun of more than dad Bruce Jenner. Poor guy is legendary Olympian, but at his home, he's the butt of all jokes.
Another day, another Basketball Wives LA casting rumor! Seeing as Shaunie "Nostrils" O'Neal has several spots to fill, I'm sure it won't be the last gossip we hear about women who may be making an appearance. We've heard multiple things about a casting shake-up among the ladies, with the most recent being that only Jackie Christie and Draya Michele will be returning. That should be entertaining to watch…of course, anything would be more entertaining than the current season! It's now being speculated that Karrine Steffans will be joining the as yet unknown cast. She better prepare herself though…we all know the newbies never last. She needs to get on boss Jackie's good side fast.
I don't know about y'all, but I predict that two seasons from now, this show will actually become The Jackie Christie Show, name change and all. If I'm right, mark my words, the entire season will be vow renewals, Jackie dressing in slutty pirate Halloween costumes for family gatherings, and her participating in poetry slams. The poetry slam part is key, given that she won't have any other cast mates with which to interact. In all honesty, I would much rather watch Wacky Jackie in beret doing beatnik spoken word open mic nights than watch these ladies continue to meet up for coffee/lunch/cocktails/martial arts. Am I the only one?
Holy comb overs! CelebrityApprentice'sDonald Trump is used to saying "You're fired!" However, now, one petition is urging upscale department store chain Macy's to say the same thing to the controversial mogul. Just in time for the holidays…
The Donald is no stranger to stirring the pot. He has a slew of famous feuds with the likes of Rosie O'Donnell and pal Barbara Walters. Most recently, Trump and performer Cher got into it via Twitter (where else?), and who could forgot Donald's ridiculous $5 million reward for anyone coming forward with proof that President Obama wasn't born in the United States? Perhaps he should give that money to charity…or me.
I am going to have to make some room on my DVR once Jersey Shore goes off the air because my favorite GTL-ing guido will be getting his own show. While the fist-pumping phenomenon has spawned spin-offs for Snooki and JWoww, as well as DJ Pauly D, this one is going to be a different format and star the lovable, eyebrow raising Vinny Guadagnino.
The new series, called The Show with Vinny, has been greenlighted by MTV and will be a talk show/reality show hybrid. It will be set in the Guadagnino's Staten Island home and feature some of Vin's more colorful relatives while Vinny interviews celebrities in his den.