Oh, Kim Kardashian, you saucy minx! Okay, so I don't find her at all saucy or minx-ish, but I've always wanted to say that. In today's Kimye news, there is some funny stuff. Not only is having Kanye West's baby while still married to Kris Humphries causing some problems (we all predicted that, right?), but it seems that no one wants to pay Kim to lose her baby weight. Tragic!
Unlike Jessica Simpson, Kim may not be scoring a weight loss deal to shed the massive amount of pounds she's sure to pack on during her pregnancy. I'm also hoping that, unlike Jessica's two year gestation, Kim's baby will pop out after nine months so we don't have to be on pregnancy watch for the next year and a half.
Whether it's a Twitter battle or a photo op war, these women love to let everyone know their issues. It's brilliant–it keeps them both in the media (remember Leann's "tearful" interview–with no real tears–where she hated to be called a homewrecker in light of her true love?), and, selfishly, it makes me giggle. Given her first stint on RHOBH, I would never think I'd be Team Brandi, but I totally am. Forgive me in advance for a pro-Brandi post. These ladies are cray. I would love the opportunity to drink wine with them one day…in the same room, of course. Clearly I'd wear a helmet.
As if Kim Kardashian andKanye Westprocreating wasn't enough, now there is even more disturbing news. I don't even know how one correlates with the other, but perhaps if I type it quickly, it can get out of my head equally as fast. Or not. There are just some things you can't unread.
Here goes nothing! So, now that Kimye is having an aby-bay, ales-say for her ex-say ape-tay have gone through the roof. Seriously? Nothing says "congrats on the bun in your oven" like purchasing a video of the mom engaged in some nasty, nasty sexy times. Nothing people do surprises me anymore.
In a controversial move, NBC's The Biggest Loser is tackling something new this season that has a lot of people talking. I guess that is the whole point of controversial moves, right?
For the first time in the reality show's history, it will be focusing on childhood obesity. Three young adults will be participating in the program, and trainerJillian Michaels will be returning to assist the two teen boys and one teenaged girl get their lives back on track with a healthier lifestyle.
Can I get a slow clap for Chad Johnson Ochocinco Johnson Johnson, please? The man is unbelievable. Not only has he been shuffled around the NFL before being fired, he's a literary master at making pizza box metaphors, a D-list playboy, a head-butter, and a reality star who knows that there is no shame in needing subtitles when asking his then fiance Evelyn Lozada how she feels about a threesome. There is something about that level of shamelessness that deserves some sort of credit. And gag.
As you all know, Chad can also add amateur porn star to his stellar resume. Someone leaked a sex tape of Chad and a tatted mistress doing the dirty, and said video was leaked by some media outlets. Wow, Basketball Wives' Evelyn is certainly a lucky lady as she and her former husband continue to "work on themselves."
I'll be honest, I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared for this premiere…or the season for that matter. Of course, I can't wait…especially when we get to see a glimpse into Abby Lee Miller's love life. There seemed to be a lot scripted, but it was still flipping amazing.
The third season of Dance Moms starts with the girls and moms reunite in the parking lot after a long break during the competition season. Noticeably absent are Kelly, Paige, and Brooke. Abby is beyond pissed at Kelly for breaking up the team, but she's equally as upset with the other girls for not consistently coming to practice during their break…news she just found out having spent her break in L.A. filming her spin-off competition show. She immediately tosses the pyramid head shots in the trash because none of them belong on the top, and the girls become teary when Abby announces that she's holding an audition to replace Brooke and Paige before the group heads to a competition in Denver.
The girls are rehearsing their group number, Angels and Demons…except now it's just Angel Singular and Demons because that's what happens when people are quitters. Is it just me or when Abby describes the characters in her choreography do you think she's envisioning herself as the victim or protagonist? "This dance is about an angel who is strong, but she has all of these horrible awful bleached blonde crazies with acrylic nails demons trying to tear her apart." Give me a break! In the viewing room, Jill is hoping that she can get the other moms onboard with calling for a reinstatement of the pyramid. She hates Abby trashed it without giving her daughter any opportunity to be at the top.
It's a Dance Mom's extravaganza! Lifetime knows a good thing when it pas de bourées in the ratings, and the network is going to milk this cash cow for all it's worth. You know what that means? It means that last night you were treated to two and half hours of Abby Lee Miller and the drama mamas. It felt like Christmas all over again, didn't it?
In the hour leading up to the season three premiere, Jeff Collins returned to lead yet another reunion type show, only this time the ladies would be highlighting the upcoming drama instead of rehashing the past. Let's see how this works. Abby is wearing a lot of sequins and bling and spray tan. Taking a few questions from the studio audience, she reveals that she has a special man in her life, and the mothers are the most selfish people on the planet. Okey, dokey. Poor Jeff looks one Ambien shy of hibernation, but luckily the stage setting mirrors (literally!) Abby's outfit, so all the twinkling should keep him awake at least until the premiere begins. He is going to bring out the moms to have some one-on-one time with Abby and the audience.
Holly is the first to untangle her way through the sequined streamers, and she is wearing a tomato red number that seems to combine the finest vinyl with raw silk. Abby immediately comments about it under her breath to Jeff. Holly often gets on Abby's nerves, what with her professional demeanor and her need to analyze things. Holly takes one audience member's question, and responds with a non-answer before making a swift exit.
You could feel the collective intake of air when society as a whole learned the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would be bringing a mini-Kimye into the world. If you were quiet enough, you could probably hear the dollar signs ka-chinging in Kris Jenner's eyeballs. Oh, the spin-offs! The elaborate and totally ridiculously expensive baby gifts (the child will need his or her own private jet)! The publicity! The magazine covers! Did I mention the spin-offs? How are we ever going to continue Keeping Up with theKardashians if they are constantly multiplying?
Kim and Kanye's khild is already internationally famous and the kid hasn't even been born yet. However, being famous for being conceived is far better than one his or her mother is famous for, right? Let's face it…the world had the same fearful reaction for the unborn child's fate when Jersey Shore's tequila-soaked, slipper-wearing, fist-pumping, underwear-forgetting meatball, and that situation (no pun intended) seems to be working out wonderfully. Snooki has truly taken to motherhood, and most people would likely agree that it seems to have changed her for the better. I'm hoping the same for Kim and wish her and tiny rapper my congratulations.