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I’ll have to admit that I, unlike Slade Smiley, left the O.C. for a while.  Oh, I still watched (like one of Pavlov’s dogs when the first few tings of the theme music begins), but I was indifferent to it.  Lauri Waring was gone.  A once biting but funny Tamra Barney became just down right mean, ladies whose names I can’t even remember (Quinn who?) and women whose faces didn’t move were shuffled in and out, and, well, Slade stayed.  I was tired.  But then something amazing happened in the form of this season.

I’m not going to give all the credit to Dr. and Mrs. Disgustingly Rich and Fabulous but Incredibly Normal Dubrow (aka Heather), although they deserve a bunch.  This season on Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ve got Briana Culberson giving hell to her mom’s love tank and affirmation hoarding beau.  My hilariously crass, semi-trashy, rhinestone-studded Tamra is back with a vengeance, and–even better–she’s friends with a kooky Gretchen Rossi.  Minus a few extras (and even Jesus Barbie brings at least one laugh an episode), the show is actually fun again.  But I digress.  Let’s dish deets on the wedding ceremony of one of my current favorite housewives, Briana.  Okay, so technically she’s the daughter of a housewife, but she’s now more of one than her mom!

Briana and mom Vicki Gunvalson spoke with Star/RadarOnline.com about Briana’s big day…which was a long time coming for Vicki.  Viewers are watching weekly the relationship between Briana and Vicki get increasingly tense after Briana and supposed boyfriend Ryan Culberson drop the bomb that they got hitched in Vegas at a drive-thru wedding chapel.

Vicki tells the magazine, “My anger and my disappointment at what Briana did almost destroyed our relationship.  We didn’t speak for two months. But time heals, and our relationship is stronger than ever.”

Briana agrees, “My mom has been amazing. It’s been really fun planning the wedding with her and just having her by my side.”

The ceremony took place on May 12 at the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara.  The bride wore a gown of Italian lace and carried a bouquet of roses as the pair read their vows at sunset.  Missing from the guest list?  Vicki’s castmates.  She explains, “[I]t had to be about Briana and Ryan. It is not my party.”

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Was it field day or feud day on this past episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Don’t you just love reading the women’s blogs, hearing what they have to say, knowing all the things they know now?  Those talking head interviews can be really biting, and it’s never easy to hear a supposed friend talking smack about you.  That said, can we please talk about Jacqueline Laurita and Caroline Manzo’s sportsmanship intervention with G-to-the-ia?  I am not going to comment on the spunky Miss Gia (as I think it’s incredibly unacceptable and disgusting to see how some bloggers and commenters bash these kids who never asked to be growing up on television in the first place), but I will ask, do you think Jacqueline went to far in disciplining her friend’s child?  Jacqueline addresses the situation in her Bravo blog:

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Call in Judge Judy.  Better yet, call in Extreme Akim!  There is a law suit getting ready to unfold in Atlanta, y’all, and this time Phaedra Parks isn’t going to be the attorney…she’s the plaintiff!  After the publication of Angela Stanton’s tome Lies of a Real Housewife: Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil by Vibe.com, the Real Housewives of Atlanta star is suing Vibe Holdings in federal court for libel and defamation of character.

You all recall that in the book, Angela touts Phaedra and now husband Apollo Nida as living a life of crime, guilty of theft, racketeering, and forgery.  She alleges the couple wooed her into their inner circle of criminals, and left her out to dry when she was arrested.

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It’s just four days until the fantasy nuptials of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kroy Biermann.  As the time runs out, drama amps up…but it’s no longer mama drama on Don’t Be Tardy for the WeddingJen has become the MOH who is MIA.

Just like with every episode, the show begins with Kim Zolciak talking to the adorbs K.J. She is complaining to him about how lax her matron-of-honor Jen is being, and he is just giggling away in his Spiderman hoodie.  Kim can’t dwell on slack attendants for long, she has tent issues to worry about.  Severe tent issues that drive her to drink white zinfandel before lunchtime.  Kim has visions of covering the pool and and getting hitched under a gazebo which will sit atop the jacuzzi.  She never ever ever ever had dreams of a tent in her backyard to shield guests from potential bad weather.

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The chefs of Around the World in 80 Plates are heading to Barcelona, Spain.  All of the contestants are talking mad shiz about their cooking skills…and survival skills.  Nookie Postal reveals that he and his wife lived for a year there solely on money from his stellar gambling skills.  Nicole Lou is hesitant to return to Spain as that is where she married her now ex-wife.  Chevin had an experience with a hermaphrodite upon which I won’t expound.

The first challenge pits every man for themselves.  The first five people to reach the goal, which is basically a ski gondola, will be teammates, and the players are trying hard to make it to the gondola with people they want to compete with on a team.  The first team, red, ends up being Chaz Brown, Cheven Lee, Gary Walker, Nick Lacasse, and John Vermiglio.  The black team is…everyone else.  For those of you keeping score at home, that means, Nookie, Avery, Nicole, Jenna Hansen, and Liz Garrett.  Nookie is the sole dude with the ladies on the black team.  Red team member John is worried about the sausage party in which he’s now involved.  The red team arrives first to meet Curtis Stone, and one of the teammates yells, “Boys rule, and girls drool.”  I’m taken back to my former first grade student Roy who said that.  All.  The.  Time.  The teams must sort and prep different seafood for cash. Whichever team wins the most money will win the exceptional ingredient.

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And the winner of American Idol is…nah, I won’t give it away until after the jump for those of you who decided to watch Law and Order: SVU (and by “you” I mean me) and save the Idol recap for later.  I actually learned who won right before I started watching.  Thanks DVR and internet.  It’s down to Jessica Sanchez and Phillip Phillips.  Who will it be?  Let’s find out in what may be the most anticlimactic AI finale EVER.  At least that lead in was dramatic, right?   The final twelve perform, and blah, blah, filler, blah.  Really do we need two more hours of Idol after two hours of Idol last night?

After the initial hoopla performance, the judges and Ryan Seacrest are introduced.  Ryan and his bump-it recap the prior evening, making a two hour finale seem like just minutes with his suave style…in just a short two hours, we will have a new American Idol.  He meets with the finalists, and Jessica admits she managed two hours of sleep before her big night.  Smug Phil slept for nine hours.  I want to reach through my television and smack him.  I can’t remember the last time I slept for nine hours straight…and I need it.  I need it bad, people.

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Reality stars never cease to amaze me.  Namely, one Evelyn Lozada, but that’s neither here nor there.  Vibe recently interviewed Evelyn of Basketball Wives, alongside Tamar Braxton of Braxton Family Values, Kandi Burrus of RHOA, and Chrissy Lampkin, formerly of Love & Hip Hop fame.  The interview addresses the violence and drama fueled fights often highlighted on these shows, and the women, one in particular, seems to like laughing all the way to the bank.  I was, however, extremely impressed to see Chrissy take responsibility for her temper.  It’s a long interview, so I’m just sharing my favorite highlights.  You can read the whole discussion here, and try not to laugh when Tamar says Evelyn is beautiful “inside and out.”  Enjoy excerpts from that interview below!

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Devon Broyles from Richmond, Virginia is the teem mom we met on last night’s 16 and Pregnant.  She brags about being mature for her age, as she’s sixteen and pregnant with her twenty-year-old boyfriend Colin whom she met after his first tour in Iraq.

Devon lives at home with her older brother, two sisters, and mom.  Her folks are divorced, but her parents are still friendly, so her dad stays at their house when he’s in town.  Hmm, what else?  Oh yeah, Devon’s sister Jane is also a teen mom, so her one-year-old daughter lives there as well.  Her mother also let Colin move in after the pair started dating.  Where’s John Stamos because this is clearly a full house!

The couple reminisces about the many nights Devon would sneak Colin into the house late night, and once her mom busted them the following morning, he was allowed to move in for good.  She got pregnant a few months later.  Devon is focused on school while Colin supports the family by serving in the Reserves.  She admits to her friends that she didn’t figure out she was pregnant until she was five months along.  Yea prenatal care!  Her friends laugh at her misfortune as she was always the life of every party.

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