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dont be tardy brielle guiliana

We are one episode away from the Don’t Be Tardy finale. Are y’all as stoked as I am? That said, after next week, I’ll spend months wondering if Brielle is really trying navigate Los Angeles all by her lonesome, as well as what curse words KJ has added to his vocabulary! Let’s get started with the recap, shall we? 

On the eve of their trip to Los Angeles, Shun swings by the Zolciak-Biermann abode to help style Brielle for her big break. Kim reveals that not only will the mother-daughter duo be visiting E! News, they will also be apartment hunting. Kim divides her time between fawning over Brielle’s fashion and hounding Slade about he’ll survive if his lady love moves permanently to the West Coast. Gloria is taking some time off from being Kim’s bitch assistant so that she can get married. While it’s the most inopportune time for Kim, she’s happy for Gloria. Chef Tracy goad Gloria about how easy her job is, and she offers to do it ten times better in Gloria’s absence. Gloria wishes her luck with an eye roll. Who thinks this chick will make it another season? Wait, why do I expect there to be another season?


below deck leon

In the event you didn’t already think Leon Walker was an asshat with overly manicured eyebrows and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, allow me to remind you of the always wonderful Internet…where nothing ever truly goes away. Ever. Even when you delete it. Remember that, teenagers!

Many of you have been buzzing after last night’s Below Deck, Leon’s brooding exit and Rocky’s dramatic exodus (and subsequent return). However, thanks to the Twitterverse a lot gossip is swirling about the part of Leon’s departure we didn’t see on camera.


below deck rocky 2

“Somethin’ ’bout a boat, sittin’ on the sea; Out there in the wind, floatin’ on the free; Take you ’round the world, bring you back home; Gives a man hope, somethin’ ’bout a boat…Ain’t it crazy how somethin’ seems like nothin’ at all; Take a big old room, make it seem so small; Seein’ windows where there are walls, makes a whole lot of something out of nothin’ at all.” I admit it, these lyrics are in no way indicative of what we witnessed last night, but I love Jimmy Buffett, and he does use the word “crazy” which is applicable!

For the .07% of Bravo’s viewing population that wasn’t convinced that Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is five-star crazy, last night’s Below Deck episode was just for you! It begins with Eddie Lucas putting out the kitchen fire and blaming the issue on Kate Chastain not taking the dirty pans out of the oven. Captain Lee Rosbach oversees the debacle as chef Leon Walker sleeps through the entire event. Kate tries to calm the guests who were awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. The following morning, Amy Johnson can’t believe that Leon isn’t the least bit phased that his galley was up in flames the night before, and Connie Arias is shocked that Emile Kotze didn’t hear the ruckus. Rocky is quick dish to Leon that it was all Kate’s fault as Amy delivers breakfast in bed to the primary charter guest to start off his birthday celebration.


 lhh hollywood milan nikki hazel teairra

Last night’s episode of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood showed the men stepping up to the plate…or, at least a couple of them! After Miles revealed his secret to long time friend and one-time love Amber, she is leaning on friends and family for support. She can’t fault him for his feelings, and now she’s ready to hear Miles’ story. She calls him, and he admits to being with Milan. Amber is defensive and threatens to call Milan if he doesn’t come clean about the pair’s situation. He tells her that they are in a relationship, and she’s angry and hurt given that the three have often hung out together “as friends.” She warns him that she is going to get to the bottom of things…didn’t she just do that? 

Teairra Mari and Moniece are getting manicures after ruining their nails during their altercation with Princess. Teairra rehashes her heated conversation with Ray-J. She is so over him…at least for this episode. She is looking into getting liposuction so she can feel confident with her body. Who needs exercise? Moniece thinks that her friend needs to do whatever it takes to feel good about herself. Lil’ Fizz is once again watching son Cameron even though it’s supposed to be Moniece’s time with their child. Fizz loves every moment spent with Cameron, but he hates disappointing his son whenever Moniece is a no-show.


sister wives adoption family photo

Last night’s Sister Wives continued the very anti-climatic adoption adventures of the Brown clan. The adults converge on the cul-de-sac to head to their attorney’s office. Kody Brown explains for the eighty-seventh time why he’s adopting Robyn’s biological children is so important. Robyn is concerned that her kids may have to take the stand in family court and that they won’t realize just how emotional it will be for the grown-ups. Meri discusses her conflicting feelings both before and during the divorce process from Kody. She admits that she’s had some surprising revelations she’s determined to keep hidden for now–Meri wants her focus to be on the adoption.  

Madison has an announcement, and she wants to meet with her dad, Janelle, and Christine. She explains that she’s already told her mom her big news, she wants to share it with her father and Christine. She states that while she loves Meri and Robyn, she has a special bond with Christine who was her stay-at-home mom. Madison begins by telling Kody that he’s going to be a grandfather. Stunned, Kody and Christine are silent long enough for Madison to assure them she was just joking. She’s in love, and it’s with someone the family knows. When Madison utters his name, “Caleb Brush,” Christine tackles her from across the room. She LOVES that boy! It’s sweet to see how happy Madison is as well. He’s the brother of her aunt, but not a blood relative. Caleb’s sister was Kody’s late brother’s wife. Christine wants to know if they are going to get married. Kody wants to pump the brakes. Isn’t Caleb ten years older than Madison? Madison reminds her father he’s eleven years older than her mother. She then calls Meri and Robyn over to share her excitement. It is hands down the happiest we’ve seen Meri this season.


dont be tardy brielle slade

So, I’m going to go out on a limb here…Kim Zolciak Biermann wants oldest daughter Brielle to excel in Hollywood (attain her goals with no work, if you will), so she’s decided to make this season of Don’t Be Tardy Brielle’s swan song. Why else would the eighteen-year-old carrot expert and her beau Slade be featured so often? Three seasons from now, it’s going to be all about cursing KJ. The writing is already on the wall people!

Last night’s episode followed Kim and family as they spent the weekend at Slade’s folks’ lake house on Lake Keowee (my stomping ground when I’m home in the Upstate–and my friends with lake houses invite me for an always fun weekend on the water!). Before heading to South Carolina, Kim, who is clearly NOT sporting a new nose…not at all, Brielle and Slade meet with Kim and Kroy to discuss their plans for co-habitating in California. She can’t even make her point before Kroy is dying laughing and Kim saying she won’t fund Brielle giving away her milk for free. Maybe Slade can join her when he pops the question. Silly Kim, Brielle doesn’t drink milk! When she realizes her mother is making a sexual reference, Brielle is grossed out that Slade would want breast milk. Even worse than that statement? Kroy trying to figure out the “why buy the cow” analogy with the help of a producer.


below deck ryan gosling

“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat! 

As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)


hollywood amber miles

Woo. The first ten minutes of last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was completely intense! It begins with Amber entering the counseling session with Miles where she hears the last thing she expected about the man she believed to be the love of her life. The therapist introduces herself and invites Amber to join Miles on the sofa. Miles is clearly a ball of nerves. He professes his love for Amber before sharing the fact that he is homosexual. He admits that he’s humiliated by this revelation, and discusses the confusion he’s had regarding his sexual identity. When he drops the bomb that he’s been in a relationship with a man, Amber breaks down and Miles retreats to the bathroom. The production crew stops her from following him, and Amber races out into the street where she collapses on the sidewalk. A female PA tries to both comfort and restrain her as the therapist urges Miles to go to her. He wants to leave, and Amber smacks him as she jumps in the car.

Miles tries to talk to Amber but she screams that she’s going release his secret to the world. All through high school, Amber’s friends always told her Miles was gay but she refused to believe them. The therapist tries to explain how hard it was for Miles to come clean and that he truly loves her. Amber cites the difficulty of losing her future with Miles, and the therapist reminds her that there is no good way and no good time to share his news. Amber calms down and reveals that she could never hate Miles–she loves him, but she has questions for his openly gay friend Milan. She was wondering why they were hanging out so much. You had me for a second, VH1. I didn’t think this reveal was scripted…there was too much raw emotion and pain from both sides. However, when she brings up Miles, I feel a bit duped. Perhaps I’m wrong. When the therapist relates Amber’s message to Miles, he is devastated for breaking her heart. 


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