On last night’s Sister Wives, announcements were abundant. There were announcements on top of announcements interrupting announcements. But hey, at least we were spared a Brown party! After a quick daddy-daughter getaway, Kody Brown is back home with his four wives and umpteen children. Christine giggles with glee as Robyn reveals that they are filing the adoption papers with family court. Meri remains dour on the sofa, and Christine is concerned about a judge’s opinion on plural marriage. If Meri were any more checked out of this situation, she’d be a library book. She’s making Janelle look like a cheerleader!
Kody and his wives head to their attorney’s office where Sobbin’ Robyn cries tears of joy to learn that if this works out, her kids will be issued new birth certificates with Kody’s name listed as their father. Kody tries to high-five Meri–this wouldn’t have been possible without her–and she’s all, “that’s cool.” Does no one in the family realize Meri has become nothing more than a mute placeholder? I could swear she rolls her eyes when Christine says that Kody is a great person for Robyn to have as her kids’ dad.
My friends always make fun of me for my obsession with Bagel Bites. While I fancy myself a foodie, I’ve been known to eat those bite-sized morsels of deliciousness for dinner up to four nights in a row (10 a night from the forty pack…duh!). “Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime…when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!” I think I now know how Ramona Singer feels.
For me, it’s always time for Bagel Bites. For the Real Housewives of New York star, it’s apparently always Turtle Time! She doesn’t need a tropical vacay, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, or even a pool to show off her bikini body, as evidenced by a recent Instagram post.
Last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy left me just a tad more stupid than it normally does. I can’t even mentally prepare an introduction, so we’re just going to dive right in! The show begins with Chef KJ in the kitchen with Tracey, and Kim Zolciak-Biermann admits that he picks up on everything. Whether Kim is eating a cookie, cussing up a storm, or drinking wine for breakfast, he’s going to notice, so she needs to be on her best behavior. Kim then asks Tracey why the f*@% she didn’t call her the day before. And we wonder why KJ’s every other word is bleeped. Tracey admits that she and Brooklyn have broken up again. The couple has been on and off for a decade, but Tracey swears this time their relationship is over for good. Tracey plans to get a tattoo that Brooklyn forbade her from getting just for spite.
Brielle, Slade, and Ariana are dining together, and Ariana questions her sister about the future. Brielle has grand plans for stardom, but first she needs food. Filet mig-non, anyone? Ariana rolls her eyes and chides Slade about following her sister out west. He’s so whipped, he’ll definitely do it. Brielle wants to approach her mom and Kroy about the two of them living together. Slade knows her parents would never agree, but she reasons that they’d rather have her shack up with Slade in Los Angeles than live alone. Her parents need to stop treating her like she’s fourteen. That was so four years ago!
“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show!
Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood begins after that fateful video shoot in Miami. Princess is done giving Ray-J second, third, and forty-eighth chances. She’s moving out of the house they shared and is excited to see what the future has in store for her as a newly single lady.
Across town, Hazel-E has returned with a new abode, and she’s invited Teairra Mari over to show off the house and brag about her latest opportunities…like a booking in Dubai. She rehashes her lunch with Nikki and Jason Lee that ended with Jason tossing a drink in her face. Teairra laughs at Hazel’s comical portrayal, but she’s not surprised as Jason has been known to be messy. She shares with Hazel her diabolical scheme to break up Ray and Princess. Hazel is glad she’s no longer on the receiving end of Teairra’s plotting. Also discussing that fateful lunch are Nikki and Brandi. The girls are working out in the park and complaining about the men in their lives. Brandi and Max have been fighting constantly, and Nikki admits that Kamiah has been talking smack about her new relationship with Fizz. Nikki tells the story of Jason Lee’s behavior towards Hazel, and Brandi will not allow any wannabe blogger to threaten her friend Nikki’s reputation.
On last night’s Sister Wives, Kody Brown wants to bond with his daughters after realizing that his relationships with his boys are much stronger. His daughter Ysabel (with Christine) is turning twelve and she wants to spend her birthday with her dad and her sisters. Kody has decided to treat his preteen daughters to a long weekend at the beach to celebrate. Of course, as he’s sharing the plans, he cuts off Ysabel with some sort of gibberish while playing on his cellphone. The girls are over the moon that they finally get to spend some quality time with the father they don’t often get to spend time with in such a small group.
Janelle knows her youngest Savanah will be in good hands with Kody, but she admits that it’s hard for her to let go since she’s so used to being the main parent. Kody believes he’s going to have a much easier time than his wives predict. His daughters won’t get nearly as jealous competing with each other for his attention as his wives do. Of course, the crew isn’t even out of the driveway before the girls are arguing. Kody is packing the car with the skills of a Tetris beginner. Robyn is micro-managing…wear sunscreen, take breaks, drink water. Janelle is hopeful that a healthy father-daughter relationship will help the Brown girls as they navigate puberty. Robyn believes that if they are confident in Kody’s love, they’ll be less likely to give up their purity behind the bleachers like she did.
I’ll never try to pretend Bravo’s motives, but Don’t Be Tardy has officially been moved to Thursday night, which means this week we were treated to a double dose of Kim Zolciak Biermann, Kroy, chef Tracey, and, of course, that cursing toddler! You’re welcome.
Last night’s episode begins with Kim greeting Shun while yelling at her dogs for interrupting her Instagramming. The dog in a cage should feel grateful it’s not being tormented by KJ. Kim complains about how hard it is to be followed by children 24/7, so she and Shun grab their solo cups of wine and retreat to Kim’s bedroom to discuss Shun’s lack of a dating life. Shun describes her perfect man, but Kim encourages her to think outside the box. Kim swears by “ask, believe, receive,” but she’s not so sure it will work for normal folks like Shun. She offers to set up Shun with her personal trainer–if he’s willing–before getting bombarded with balls being thrown at her face (there goes her social life! 😉 ) by KJ. She admits to be terrified of her three-year-old, and for once the Bravo viewing audience can agree with something Kim says.
“The weather started getting rough,the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Eros would be lost.” Speaking of horrific storms, I can’t begin my Below Deckrecap without acknowledging the devastation faced by the people of South Carolina. While Charleston faced lots of flooding (a guy paddle boarded down my street at one point!), residents of the midlands suffered unimaginable losses. Several of my friends were evacuated from their homes, many assisted in rescues (navigating boats through their neighborhood streets), and countless folks lost their homes. Everyone jokes that South Carolina is such a small state–there is only one degree of separation between you and whoever you meet regardless of where they live in the state. Sadly, that means, that everyone knows someone affected by this tragedy. Please continue to lift them up in your thoughts as we pull together to help those who lost everything.
On last night’s episode, Emile Kotze is befuddled after receiving Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s middle school note, and he confronts Rocky about her immature means of communication. She retorts that she had to write him a letter because he hasn’t been picking up what she’s throwing down…which is massive amounts of teasing that she isn’t interested. Poor Emile retires to his cabin where he’s forced to listen to Dane’s late night phone conversation. Poor Emile just can’t catch a break! The crew is awaiting the charter guests as Captain Lee Rosbach calls Eddie Lucas, Leon Walker, and Kate Chastain to the bridge to discuss their next outing. The main guests are foodie siblings who own a business together. Leon is excited about getting to experiment with new dishes, but Lee is worried about the stormy forecast. In the galley, Rocky is distressed to learn from Connie Arias (via a frustrated and sleep-deprived Emile) that Dane has a girlfriend. Couldn’t he have shared that information with her before he massaged her feet? The guests arrive on board and are treated to a tour, who isn’t quite sure of the romantic dynamics of the newcomers.