Happy Closer to the Weekend, dear readers! You all owe me a great big thank you! For what, you ask? I basically just transcribed thirty-seven minutes of dialogue from Stassi Schroeder’s most recent Ask Stassi podcast. That means I basically gave you thirty-seven minutes extra in your life. The usually biting Bravolebrity was showing a softer side while standing strong in her decision to call it quits with her long-time boyfriend Patrick. Accompanied by her twenty-one year old sister Georgi, Stassi cried and opened up about her broken heart. Oh, and she said “like” like a lot. Like don’t make it a drinking game to take a shot every time you hear her say it because you’d be dead three minutes into the podcast. Let’s get to it, shall we?
The Vanderpump Rules star begins, “I’ve been trying to find the will to do this podcast because I’m just sad, and I really don’t have anything to say that’s just uplifting. I’m going to talk about myself and what I’m going through… I’m going to to do a reverse Ask Stassi podcast because I’m the one who needs advice and help now, like somebody, like, throw me some meds,” before transcending the podcast, saying, “I just felt like if I’m going really talk about things, I can’t just do the podcast by myself. Like I just can’t do an alone podcast and like talk to a wall and want to kill myself because, like, I actually like feel like I want to kill myself.”
It’s like the Bachelor with a twist! There is no shortage of reality dating shows, and now Logo has one that I plan on putting on the regular rotation. Of course, I’ll have to say “Bye, Bye, Bye!” to the idea of Chris Harrison as the host with the most, managing beautiful singles in a sprawling mansion.
It’s not “Tearin’ Up My Heart” to announce that one of my favorite boy banders, and bestie of Lisa Vanderpump, is going to give Chris Harrison a run for his rose handling, sage advice peddling, money. That’s right. Logo’s latest reality competition for love is going to be hosted by none other than Lance Bass. I cannot wait…and I won’t have really have to as Finding Prince Charming will premiere this fall on the network.
Well, those of you who have been missing Brandi’s antics on RHOBH may be in luck. Could she becoming back? Maybe even in small doses? I wish I had an answer for you, but per the usual, Brandi hopes to get the masses speculating! As if universal dog-loverLisa Vanderpump wouldn’t serve Andy CohenWacha on a silver platter if he so much as suggested a Brandi return… 😉
Say what you will about Southern Charm’sShepard “Shep” Rose (as if you need my permission to do that!), but his gregarious nature is often a much needed reprieve from his cast mate’s incessant drama. Shep is always quick to call things like he sees them with his self-deprecating humor and a twinkle in his eye. Even the most boorish and insensitive comments from the fratastic playboy with mailbox money come across with a boyish sort of, well, charm.
Even on the two-part reunion, Shep’s affable personality garnered laughs from his co-stars. He continued to champion for including Kathryn Dennis while honestly calling her out for terrifying Whitney Sudler-Smith on Scary Jeckyl Island. During the first installment, he also shared some of his own antics that lead to mixed reactions from fans. Now Shep is offering his opinion on everything from Patricia Altshul’s decision not to attend the reunion and nature’s bounty–mushrooms.
Ew. Actually, ew is an understatement. This gossip takes vile and disgusting to an entirely different level. If it’s true, there is a special place in hell for the “adults” (I use that term loosely as it implies some form of responsibility and culpability) in this situation. If it’s not true (and I hope to God it’s not), Joseline Hernandez, who fancies herself the Puerto Rican Princess from Love & Hip Hop Atlanta needs serious help for fabricating such claims. Let’s be honest, she, Stevie J, and Mimi Faust all need serious help even if this story never existed.
The trio was entangled in a drama-filled, ratchet love triangle that was the story line for several seasons of LLHATL, spawning a spin-off for Stevie and Joseline and a lucrative homemade porn video for Mimi. Granted, Stevie is never going to win any awards for Father of the Year (he allegedly owes over a million dollars in child support to an ex), but Joseline’s accusations against her now estranged husband (and the father of her unborn child) are infinitely worse. She’s calling him out as a child molester, accusing him of inappropriate behavior with daughter Eva…and accusing Mimi of turning a blind eye. I can’t.
It’s not an actual Bravo reunion unless someone storm off stage, right? After last week’s Southern Charm reunion installment, I had high (as in elevated, not on something) hopes for the final hour. In response to Landon Clements giddily calling out Kathryn Dennis for failing a court ordered drug test, Kathryn high tails it to the saloon, kicking up tumbleweeds in her wake. Okay, so she really just barricades herself in her dressing room. She is finally cajoled out of hiding by a producer, worried that this type of chatter from her cast mates could affect her custody battle with Thomas Ravenel, as Cameran Eubanks, Landon, and Whitney Sudler-Smith complain to Andy that this is how it is to have to film with her for the show.
Kathryn returns to the stage as quickly as she fled, giving Andy Cohena big “no comment” to any questions about said drug test. When T-Rav interjects to educate us on how far back the hair follicle test can check for illegal substances, Kathryn counters that he didn’t take the same test she took. His test wasn’t as far-reaching as to how many months back it could indicate drug use, and he shaved his entire body to make sure he couldn’t give a body hair sample (which apparently can detect use up to six months prior, as opposed to hair from one’s scalp). Science!
They say you can’t go home again, and I would think that adage would certainly ring true for those crazy orange guidettes and gorilla juice heads who entertained us on the Jersey Shore. Gracious, I miss them (well, most of them).
Of course, it won’t shock anyone to learn that I was mistaken. You can go home again if you’re Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “J-Woww” Farley, and your one-time home is a wood-paneled wonderland complete with a duck phone and astroturf patio that smells of Sunday dinners, regret, and Axe body spray.
It may have originally been said by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, but last night, Andy Cohen was certainly channeling his inner Clairee Belcher who, in the best movie ever known to man (tied with Goonies, of course) cooed, “Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!” That’s pretty much how it went down on the first hour of the Southern Charm reunion. Can I just say how thrilled I am that the crew finally got a proper reunion and wasn’t crammed into the WWHL clubhouse? Finally, right??
Before I get into the meat of the show, I’d like to make a few observations. I try not to share too much of my personal feelings (some of y’all may disagree with that statement, but I do try), but we all know a reunion is 30% footage and maybe 70% reaction, so I need a bit of filler. Y’all ready? People have commented before that I am too easy on the cast because I’m starstruck by people I could run into at Harris Teeter. You would be ninety percent correct.