Readers, I want you all to think back to a simpler time. A time of Even Stevens and Holes. A time when Shia Le Beouf wasn’t starting fights at Broadway shows or wearing a paper bag over his face on the red carpet. Basically, I want you to remember a time when Shia wasn’t scaring the beewhowhatsit out of me in a Sia video. I had nightmares last night, yet I’m strangely drawn to watching said video over and over again. I even bought the song on iTunes. Damn you, VEVO!
When Dance Moms’ protege Maddie Ziegler first appeared in Sia’s “Chandelier” music video, I realized that her ability and raw talent were far more than I ever credited her for on the Lifetime reality hit. It’s weird and terrifying and amazing. However, Maddie is starring in the singer’s new (and equally controversial) video for her single “Elastic Heart”, and it’s every bit as freaky and frightening. The best (worst?) part? She’s dancing with Disney’s fallen method actor Shia. Wearing that creepy wig and nude leotard. In a cage. And Shia is also clad in nude boxer briefs. And he’s dirty. Very dirty. Sadly, Beans is nowhere to be found. Haven’t seen it? Youtube it immediately, but don’t say you weren’t warned/encouraged.
Last night’s show starts where last week’s left off, with Ang preparing to snap Renee’s neck. New Natalie DiDonato can’t believe she’s hanging out with a new and crazy group of women, but she’s kind of intrigued so she’s not going anywhere. Karen Gravano tries to wrangle Renee as she screams at a retreating Ang. Keep in mind that Ang isn’t fleeing because she’s fearful of Renee, but because she’s worried what she’ll do if she stays. It’s always a litmus test for insanity when Karen is the voice of reason. Poor Drita D’avanzo just wanted to have a nice party to promote her store.
Quick, what’s the next celebrity wedding on the calendar? Heck, what’s the next regular person wedding you can think of? Is it yours? Your best friend’s? Bottom line: Are you or is someone you know in need of a wedding officiant?
If so, may I suggest Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi to guide you and your betrothed through your vows? You know you’d love it. Fist pumping down the aisle? Check. Cheetah print bridesmaids dresses? Check. And when you leave the reception? Cabs ahh heeya! It will be Jersey Shore nuptials of the finest caliber and you didn’t even have to humiliate yourself on the show to get to this wonderful place in life.
After last week, I wanted to be done with Dance Moms. The way Abby Lee Miller showed her arse talking to (and about) Nia and Kendall about drove me over the edge. However, part of it has to be for the show, right? Granted, I don’t think the girls are acting when we see tears or humiliation, but maybe, just maybe, Abby is all smiles and compliments and kittens and hugs when the cameras aren’t rolling. That’s how I am going to think of it from now on or else I may not make it through the season. Should Jeff Collins and Mona Scott Young get married and become the messiest and most diabolical reality show creating couple ever? I’d totally watch them on Couples Therapy!
After the fight with Abby at the recent competition, Jill and Holly are preparing for the fallout at the ALDC. Holly requests a meeting to clear the air, but the always mature Abby refuses to speak to her. In the pyramid, Abby tells the girls that the mothers questioning her is the same as them doubting her vocation in life. It’s hurtful to her…far more hurtful than the venom she spews at these young girls, of course! Abby congratulates the group on winning the group number and shares that Maddie won’t be competing this week as she’ll be performing at a benefit concert in Los Angeles. She then reveals the girls’ new head shots, and Kendall comes to the conclusion that even though it was incredibly rude of Abby to leave some of photo shoot, she clearly knows what she’s doing. That said, Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid for crying in the dressing room when Abby screamed at her. Holly reminds Abby that she also cried last week when served with the court papers, but, no surprise, Abby’s tears were totally appropriate given the circumstance. Kalani is next for being beaten by Maddie and a no-named dancer in the solo division. Nia is third with a strong performance in the group number, followed by MacKenzie. Maddie is on top, and Abby praises that even though she didn’t win, losing every once in a while is good for her.
He’s apparently a jack of all trades…or should I say a “Jon” of all trades? That’s right, folks! Jon Gosselin has yet another job he’s pursuing. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you what his career was before Jon & Kate Plus 8, but I’m sure it was something respectable and dad-like. Engineer? Data analyst? A quick Google search only seemed to highlight his latest endeavors.
After his early career, Jon became a reality star then a sadder reality star, then a fame monger, friend to Michael Lohan, dater of young hangers on, Ed Hardy sandwich board, solar panel installer, and, most recently, a waiter. That’s quite a shift in employment! So, what’s next on Jon’s resume?
So, Love & Hip Hop has its own resident Kim Zolciak. Last night’s episode was hair-raising for sure! I’m not sure which is worse…the cheating men or the women who put up with them! Um, is this Chrissy woman trying to be the next Rashadah Ali with her horrible wigs? This frizz nightmare is so distracting…as is the side boob and sagging cleavage. She’s meeting with Cyn at a hookah bar so they can complain about the craziness that is Erica Mena. Cyn looks fabulous from the shoulders up, but her jean shorts just look like heavy diapers. Cyn shares that she’s been working on her vocals, and Chrissy suggests she enlist the help of Rich Dollaz for an album. Chrissy feels very diabolical at the idea of bringing together two of Erica’s exes.
By the skin of his teeth, Peter Gunz makes it back to the States from Barbados just as Amina Buddafly goes into labor. In the delivery room, Amina questions Peter about his trip. Now that Tara Wallace has basically told him to hit the road, Peter reveals that he’s spoken to Tara and he wants to make things work with Amina. He reveals he’s happy to have closure with Tara, but he isn’t ready to admit that he was with Tara in Barbados. He doesn’t want to stress out Amina any further. However, he tells Amina that Tara his ready to move on, so–Congratulations!–he’s ready to give more energy to their marriage. Of course, all Amina hears is Tara kicked him to the curb so she’s sloppy seconds, which is what she should have heard because it’s basically what he said.
That’s right, folks! We’re still road tripping with Kody Brown and his wives on yet another family vacation with the objective of meeting some more polygamists! Last night’s Sister Wives begins as the crew treks across Utah. Not surprisingly, Christine is still bitter that Kody isn’t willing to ask his friend for an apology over an offensive comment made about Kody having multiple wives. You couldn’t pay me to stay in those RVs. Geez, don’t these ladies clean? Janelle is already to cash out on this vacay, and I can’t say I blame her. Robin and Meri are presenting a united front of staying in the background….that’s a first for once!
Kody calls a meeting of the wives, and Christine apologizes for adding tension to an already miserable situation. Meri thinks that Christine needs to keep her mouth shut, and Robyn opines about how hard it is when Kody is feuding with a wife. Clearly, the other wives are going to side with Kody, but it can cause a rift among the sister wives. I really don’t feel like it’s a big deal given that the ladies really don’t like each other anyway. Kody lectures Christine about her hormones emotions, as they cause him to be on the defensive. He’s not a fan of PMS. Oh no he didn’t! Christine understands his questioning and admits to suffering from PMS. So sorry that her body isn’t syncing up to Kody’s idea of what a menstrual cycle should be. He’s the king of the d-bags, and Christine won’t let it die. Hurt feelings, you know!
You know, a lot of times I’ll read reality star gossip, and I think, “That is way too far fetched to be true.” However, whenever I read the most ridiculous stories about the Kardashians, I tend to believe them…the more unbelievable the better. This post is no exception. We’ve got Kris Jenner thinking she’s the bees knees (shocking, I know), as well as daughter Kylie getting tongues wagging for something other than overly plumped lips.
Kris is ready to stop being a pimp momager. Instead she believes she’s a celebrity in her own right. And why shouldn’t she? She’s gotten almost all of her daughters to a place where they are comfortable fame whoring on their own. She’s done her job, and it’s time for her to enjoy the fruits of her labor. And speaking of labor…we’ll get to that in a moment!