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dance moms abby 2

I am really having a hard time watching this mess. I can't even think of a witty introduction to last night's Dance Moms because I personally want to rip that bump-it out of Abby Lee Miller's hair every time she speaks. The girls have gone from fun-loving talents to terrified robots. Shame on her.

Abby, Melissa, and her daughters arrive in Los Angeles so that MacKenzie can get into the recording studio. What is Abby now? A pop star manufacturer? Abby wants to make sure that MacKenzie has the personality and energy to be a mini-Katy Perry. She interrupts the session to tell the poor girl that she is performing like Brooke, and that isn't a compliment. MacKenzie puts a little oomph into her singing, and Abby is finally seeing her star potential…at least one of us is. She and Abby head back to Pittsburgh while Maddie stays behind for a performance of her own.

With the start of the pyramid, Abby reminds the girls that she is looking for a dancer to be her Maddie when Maddie is off doing more important things…like a job in L.A. Nia is at the bottom because of her headpiece debacle, followed by Kendall. She's clearly the reason that her duet with Kalani didn't place first as Kalani and Maddie took the top prize in their duet. Of course, Kalani learns a bit about Abby and her fickle ways when she goes from the top of they pyramid to the bottom row. Chloe is third and praised for her duet Maddie, but she needs to work on her facial expressions. MacKenzie is in second for her brilliant work with the candy box in the group number. Christi wonders why MacKenzie is above Chloe after Chloe won both of her dances. Duh, Christi! The candy box! When Maddie is once again in the top spot, Jill scoff that it's predictable.  

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courtland-rogers

Well, I'm not going to say this is at all surprising. No sooner had Jenelle Evans' husband gotten released from prison that there is now a warrant issued for his arrest. It's shocking to me that the Teen Mom 2 star wants to divorce Courtland Rogers when the pair clearly has so much in common. Bonding over multiple jail stints totally should have been the strong foundation on which to build their marriage. 

But, alas, Courtland is likely on his way back to big house due to recent antics…and by antics, I mean stealing from a friend who was trying to help him get into treatment. Don't bite the hand feeds you, Courtland! It seems that his pal Katie McMillan invited him into her home at Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina and hoped to get him help for his addiction issues. He repaid her by stealing, and subsequently trying to pawn, her jewelry.

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NeNe and Gregg Leakes shopping in Soho

Well, someone certainly doesn't care about being friends with any of her Real Housewives of Atlanta co-stars. It's the NeNe Leakes Show, and that's all there is to it! After the craziness of Sunday night's episode, the Neenster has choice words for new biffles Marlo Hampton (she's not even a real cast member, NeNe reminds us) and the crazy that is Kenya Moore. Poor Cynthia wanted some fun at the Bailey Bowl, but with this group, that is quite the pipe dream!

It comes as no surprise that you won't need any sunglasses given the amount of shade NeNe throws in her Bravo blog this week!  Aptly titled Manlow and Krayonce,she begins, "Here we go again! If you read my blogs, then you know I hate long, drawn out stuff. I don't have time to touch on the BS, so let's jump right in! The Bailey Bowl: I love a good challenge, so when I was told to gather up a team and meet on a field for some fun and competition, I was there! We started off by having some good competitive fun. Then here comes the BS!"

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big-ang-drita-davanzo-renee-graziano

When it comes to fighting, the housewives franchise has nothing on the ladies of Mob Wives! Case in point? The giant brawl at the season's premiere party with broken bottles rumored broken bones! I think that Renee Graziano could take on all of the housewives at once, and it still wouldn't be a fair fight! Well, maybe Teresa Giudice could get in a couple of good blows…

Even though Drita D'avanzo has calmed down since seasons past (she used to be the scariest one!), she still knows how to differentiate between the "fights" the Bravolebrities claim to have and the knock-down-drag-outs-call-the-police-I-see-blood! explosions for which their VH1 counterparts are known!

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party down south lyle 2

Thank you, reality television, for making my home state look like the classiest and most intelligent place in the country. It started with Myrtle Manor, and then CMT slid thirty minutes down the coast to Murrells Inlet for a little gem called Party Down South. Next week, I'll have the pleasure of recapping Bravo's attempt to ruin the beautiful and historic city I adore with a little train wreck called Southern Charm (it's how the other half live, y'all…and I cannot wait!).

While all of South Carolina is abuzz about the upcoming society-skeeze-fest, those characters up scenic Highway 17 need to make sure they aren't forgotten. Enter the brain trust that is Lyle Boudreaux of Party Down South glory.

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sister-wives-recap

Tamron Hall is a saint to moderate the Wives Tell All episode of Sister Wives, but I hate she has to start off immediately asking about the commitment ceremony and that damn mission statement. Of course, Robyn pipes up first with a very canned and rehearsed response. I am so distracted by how much make-up they're all wearing. Has Kody been spray tanning? Is that Botox? It looks like Truely may have done poor Janelle's make-up, and Christine appears to have been styled by Minnie Mouse.

Meri's emotional roller coaster over being an empty nester is revisited. Mariah may be going off to college, but at least she has her wet bar!  Meri admits that she still doesn't know what her role will be in the family. She may want to take a sabbatical to find herself. Robyn is angry…she helped Meri raise Mariah, and she wants the favor returned. Kody's face is going to give me nightmares. Robyn thinks that Meri has so much to give to the remaining kids. Meri likens her loss to if one of Kody's wives died, but Kody reminds her that she still talks to Mariah everyday. She needs to get over it. 

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Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick LAX

Imagine…someone in Canada thinks Keeping up with the Kardashians is too crude. Are we watching the same show? Obviously, I'm being sarcastic, although I am not at all surprised by the dirty mouths on Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim, nor do their thong pulling, underwear sniffing, breast leaking antics shock me in the least. How sad is that?

It all started with a "knock knock" joke courtesy of Lord Scott Disick on Keeping up with the Kardashians that aired on October 23 in the middle of the afternoon. He and Kourtney spent part of the episode using donuts and carrots to simulate a certain sex act.  Keepin' it klassy, those two! I guess I should give you the warning that there may some offensive jokes and/or language after the jump…you know, the warning that the Canadian version of E! forgot to issue before the episode in question!

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sister wives

It's finally arrived…that dagnabbit commitment ceremony on the finale of Sister Wives.. It certainly took long enough, didn't it? The celebration of Kody Brown and his women is in full force. This party is much bigger than it needs to be I anticipated with 200 guests and multiple items from the rental company…not to mention 7000 individual servings of food. Yes, you read that correctly. Meri's sister is at the helm of the kitchen with her mom is in charge of determining the portion sizes. She loves math. The kitchen looks like a Pinterest nightmare. 

The event planner pretends to be excited about the inauguration of the mission statement. The wind is whipping through the cul-de-sac compound, and canvas displays and strings of lights are swirling around like Dorothy's house. Thankfully, fashion designer Sam has enlisted her mother to help with the dresses. I am concerned that Sam is going to snap. Janelle is missing a sleeve and Robyn is missing a dress. Sam has totally given up on the Meri's colossal nightmare. Can you blame her? 

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