Imagine…someone in Canada thinks Keeping up with the Kardashians is too crude. Are we watching the same show? Obviously, I'm being sarcastic, although I am not at all surprised by the dirty mouths on Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim, nor do their thong pulling, underwear sniffing, breast leaking antics shock me in the least. How sad is that?
It all started with a "knock knock" joke courtesy of Lord Scott Disick on Keeping up with the Kardashians that aired on October 23 in the middle of the afternoon. He and Kourtney spent part of the episode using donuts and carrots to simulate a certain sex act. Keepin' it klassy, those two! I guess I should give you the warning that there may some offensive jokes and/or language after the jump…you know, the warning that the Canadian version of E! forgot to issue before the episode in question!
It's finally arrived…that dagnabbit commitment ceremony on the finale of Sister Wives.. It certainly took long enough, didn't it? The celebration of Kody Brown and his women is in full force. This party is much bigger than it needs to be I anticipated with 200 guests and multiple items from the rental company…not to mention 7000 individual servings of food. Yes, you read that correctly. Meri's sister is at the helm of the kitchen with her mom is in charge of determining the portion sizes. She loves math. The kitchen looks like a Pinterest nightmare.
The event planner pretends to be excited about the inauguration of the mission statement. The wind is whipping through the cul-de-sac compound, and canvas displays and strings of lights are swirling around like Dorothy's house. Thankfully, fashion designer Sam has enlisted her mother to help with the dresses. I am concerned that Sam is going to snap. Janelle is missing a sleeve and Robyn is missing a dress. Sam has totally given up on the Meri's colossal nightmare. Can you blame her?
It's your update on all things Kardashian–you're over the moon, I'm sure! I promise to bypass any news about Kimand the tiny rapper, and only focus on some of the more tolerable gossip…like Lamar Odom professing that Khloe Kardashian will always be his wife, no matter what! I may even have some sad rumors for you too. Could the eye candy that is Brody Jenner (brother Brandon's just as hot!) be peacing out on Keeping up with the Kardashians? Honestly, he didn't seem overly happy to spend time with Kris Jenner just to get to see father Bruce. And finally, because, hey, everybody's doing it!–KendallandKylie Jenner are dishing on their new young adult novel. Happy weekend, y'all!
Speaking to Us Weekly, Lamar reveals he isn't ready to give up on his marriage. He says, "I love my wife. She'll always be my wife, no matter what. Who knows? We don't know exactly if [the divorce is going through]. Only time will tell. I hope not. But even if we were divorced, she would always be my wife," sharing, "Those were some of the best years of my life. Being married and being married to a woman I decided to marry was, besides having children, the most important thing in my life."
Why in the name of everything that is good would a poor girl subject herself to dating Jax Taylor? The Vanderpump Rules star has proven time and time again to be the worst friend and boyfriend on the planet, yet girls still flock to him. What about the term "sex addict" makes him attractive?
Oh, he's on television! That's right! I guess there are some ladies that wouldn't mind hitching their cart to his fleeting fifteen minutes of fame. I just hope they get tested regularly and don't mind the Stassitattoo on his bicep! Well, one such girl doesn't mind a bit. After dating Jax for a month (it's the real deal, y'all!), Carmen Dickman is already giving "exclusive interviews." Of course she is!
If you watched the Shahs of Sunset reunion, you know the cast feasted on delicious Persian food between screaming matches. Those crazy (literally!) kids of Vanderpump Rules even got a cocktail after their explosive, tear-filled sit down. But what of the housewives?
Last night was the first half of the Mob Wives season finale, and it's not even worth attempting an introduction, so let's just dive in, shall we? Renee Graziano shows up at Big Ang's house, as does Drita D'avanzo. The ladies eat, drink, and chat about Renee's journaling and lack of sex. All of this has lead Renee to write her own version of 50 Shades of Gray. Enter Renee's "sex book." So there's that. It's fiction according to Renee. If it was real, she'd be in a much better place. Renee reads excerpts from her novel, and it's dirty, which is good, right? Her publisher is hosting a launch party for her. That is apparently what reality stars do.
In Philly, Natalie Guercio is meeting with Alicia diMichele Garofalo to discuss Alicia's situation with her sentencing. She admits that she took off her wedding rings after hearing her husband's wire taps. She is ready for divorce, but she's terrified about her sentencing. Natalie is scared for her friend's future. Later, Ang and Drita are planning a one-on-one with Natalie at Ang's house to discuss Natalie's recent behavior. They are upset about Natalie's recent Twitter battle with Renee. Natalie believes that if Renee is able to dish it on social media, she should be able to take it. Drita and Ang wonder why Natalie felt the need to get involved in the first place. Has Natalie watched this show before? She should know better than to awaken the Twitter beast in Renee. The women warn Natalie play nice.
I have a confession to make: I love (and miss) those crazy kids from Jersey Shore. Admittedly, I wasn't onboard when MTV's train wreck originally started, and my dear friends who raved about it and subsequently got me hooked piddled off after the second season. I didn't. Granted, I had to watch it for Reality Tea, but I so would have watched regardless…however, it was nice to have the guise of the blog to hide my true addiction. I could GTL (well, technically just "L") with the best of them. On the rare occasion I call for a taxi, I whisper "cabs a heeya" to myself when it arrives. True story.
Vanderpump Rules' Scheana Marie recently said that wedding spin-offs are "boring," and it's the only thing on which I will EVER agree with her. However, I'd totally watch Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi walk down the aisle. Of course, I'd want the entire gang (sans Jolie Trashbags) involved. Alas, I don't think I'll get my wish of televised Seaside nuptials (although my fingers remain crossed!), but it seems that Snooki's wedding to fiance (and dad of the cutest tiny guido gorilla juicehead toddler) Jionni LaValle is full steam ahead. After a year long engagement, Snooki has finally started planning the exciting event!
Of course, Joyce is also giving us her take on Monday's episode. She begins her Bravo blog, "I want to thank you all for the cyber friendship and the support you've given me through this journey called Housewives. I also want to take advantage of this platform to answer something lots of you have been asking. For those who've asked me on social media how I feel about the fact that Brandi uses every chance she can to try to disrespect me, all I can say is that she is a classless person who thinks everything she says is OK and funny. Apparently she has no friends to tell her that making racial remarks, backstabbing all her fellow Housewives, making horrible remarks about other women (Joanna Krupa and Kenya Moore), and talking crap in all the interviews that are meant to be about her book are not OK…Sorry Brandi! Your card is overplayed and you have zero comedic timing! You are not funny and since I learned to take things from the source…Knock yourself out and keep proving me right."